Being labelled unreliable as a working mum

[Positivegirl]

I am absolutely working as hard as I can. Because I have to pick my child up from school I am now labelled as unreliable. I work extremely hard and I see colleagues at work completely slack, turn up late and not meet deadlines. I have been labelled as unreliable because I am a working mum. I don’t have another choice but to work, I let work know it’s half term but I still go hard I work 200% while my child is in half term and never miss a meeting or deadline. I do school drop off/pick up and run back to work. I travel for away days at work I run back to get my child and run back to the desk.

it’s never enough I’m doin the best I can and it’s heartbreaking to have people who don’t have children to tell me I’m not doing enough and that I am not reliable when I know I’m performing more than others. My project manger is always late, canceling meeting last minute and not meeting deadlines for us as a team to continue working. But I am unreliable as I leave to go pick my child up (in the hour that would be my lunch break as I don’t bother having lunch)

I feel like giving up I work for me and my child to give us a good life but I’m not doing enough there. Then in motherhood I’m working to hard.

im drained to the bone with judgment from both sides from people I know could not juggle what I do as a working single mum. Im fed up

OP - please be kind to yourself. You are doing your best in a culture that doesn’t recognise that single parents need extra flexibility but more often than not are more reliable, more dedicated and more productive. I would gently point out to your project manager that because you need this job more than most you ensure that your deadlines and output are exemplary. Ask them this, softly “I can’t change the fact that I need an hour a day to collect my child. But given that I always meet deadlines and ensure my work is completed to a high standard, what do you specifically suggest we do to make you feel I can be relied upon more”.

I think what people are not understanding is; you are picking up your two year old this is your lunch break as such. But who is looking after her for the rest of the day? If it’s you that’s the problem.

How many children do you have? Is it just the 2yo?

How many hours a week are you working and also in charge of your child at the same time?

I am surprised you are merely being labelled as unreliable. I'd be sacked for taking care of my 2yo within working hours on a regular basis.

You can't possibly work as normal with a 2yo at home for 2/3 hours of the working day. Is it fair? No. But you'll have to pay for more childcare, look for more flexible work or put up with the label (as long as your job is safe). You should be able to make use of the 30 funded hours now, and a childminder is often cheaper than nursery.

Are you dropping child off at childcare or working from home while minding your child in the afternoon?
It is not clear what you are doing after your lunch break.

You’ve misled us a bit saying it’s school when it’s pre-school. How are you working with a two year old there? Is it like you are effectively finishing at 3?

You didn't make any of this clear. It very much read that you block out afternoons for childcare.

I would look for work elsewhere.

People are asking you questions you are not answering. How can anyone help when you are so vague.

You shouldn’t really compare yourself to others, just because they are unreliable doesn’t mean you can be too. As a single parent there are a lot of benefits available to you, you may just not be capable of working to your contracted full time hours at the moment. I know a lot of single parents on minimum wage and although not ideal they do get by and they work their contracted hours (give and take emergencies etc). This was me a few years back, I had to take a job that fitted around childcare, not the other way round.

Yes I know my set up is not the best. But this is the best of what I can do. I moved in to my flat without savings I have things to pay for monthly to keep us going. I pay for as much childcare as I can. Ik work does not have to deal with people like me I’m just frustrated when I’m trying hard. Yes someone should look after my two year old but I don’t have anyone. Yes I should reduced my hours but I can’t afford it. Yes I should find another job but the reality is I am always going to a child who needs looking after and bills to pay.

maybe this is a really unusual situation for a single mum but I thought most people where feeling the pinch from the cost of living

your post is not clear , is your arrangement all agreed and sanctioned or are you bunking ?

has someone said clearly they are disappointed in you or is this a feeling you are picking up on ?

id request a meeting where you clear the air with whoever is criticising you

btw id not slag off other colleagues slacking off just focus on your productivity

We have a number of people who take late lunch to do pick up and it is in their diaries as such and cannot be argued with really. However continuing to work after with a 2 year old is an issue as there is no way you can be available for meetings with your dc alone in the house.

Op, I really think you need to look for a different job that will give you the flexibility you're after.

I work with 2 women who I get on fabulously with and really like. But it's endlessly frustrating that they're always late for work due to dropping kids off and also vanishing for half an hour to an hour each afternoon to collect them again. (One child is in high school and definitely old enough to walk but the mother is nervous of allowing it). It massively impacts on my own work, I'm forever covering for them in customer meetings and having to try to gloss over them not being there. My company won't say anything to them in case it's seen as not being a family-friendly place to work 🙄. Perhaps your colleagues are feeling similar and are just getting pissed off?

I suspect that doing childcare and working at the same time might be the problem here.

Are you saying you're picking your 2 year old up from nursery then working with the child with you?

Posters keep asking and you avoid answering so I assume you are.

Then the problem isn't you being a working mum, it's you looking after a 2 year old when you're getting paid to work.

It is agreed that I can go for school collection and they know on half term and after school my child is around. We have a morning stand up which my child is in school in. Other than that we rarely have late meetings

Balls! This is exactly the same as when some people take their lunch at 12 I then have to arrange my diary around them because I don’t eat lunch then. All mums and many dads disappear at mine to do that school run it’s not an issue.

OP as a widow who’s had a lot of judgements made towards her when working my best advice is don’t tell people your business. Don’t talk about child, keep it on the low that you are going to pick her up as much as you can. This world is screwed for solo parents we are just expected to have no money. Do what you need to do and keep turning up. Before long you won’t be doing the school runs and then they won’t be able to turn around and say anything to you!

Everyone understands it's hard and people are feeling the pinch but i'm not sure what else people can recommend as you have limited options.

1. Have you checked which childcare benefits you're entitled to
2. Are you claiming enough child maintenance from the father
3. Have you checked which benefits you could get if you drop part time

These are all options other people in your situation need to explore. Clearly your current situation isn't sustainable.

Are you fully transparent with your work? And they have agreed to you doing drop offs, collecting your DC and working with them at home?

How many hours is your DC actually in childcare for?

Do you have a better way to formalise things? Could you ask for a split day 9am-3pm and then 7pm - 9.30pm (or whatever) so your are putting in your full daily hours when you are not responsible for your child at the same time? 2yo are hard work. You can't be doing both well?

I'd not be impressed with a colleague who was blocking out their afternoons to look after their child but if its been formalised and mandated by management then that's different.

So you are employed full time, but are unavailable during pickup time?
How long does it take you to get your child? What time are you getting your child? Are you using your break for this?
Secondly, how many working hours do you spend working and looking after your toddler? Because it's not clear if it is an hour or a whole afternoon.

Honestly, if your job role requires you to attend meetings in an other city or be available for ad hock stuff then your manager is right. You are only available for some of your paid working hours and some of the tasks that your job role entrails. You basically get paid for looking after your child. That will cause a lot of resentment.

Going forward, put in a flexible working request, looking at ways to make it work for your company. Make sure you cover all aspects of your job with adjustments that allow you to care for your child- like reducing hours, extend lunch break, working a few hours after 8pm.... If that's not possible, it's time to find a new job.

@Positivegirl im mainly just frustrated and feel like I can’t win. I don’t work and I won’t be able to afford to live, I may be able to look after my child but I will be relying on the system. I work part time and I’m taking food from my child’s mouth and for them to have a better life and give us stability. I work full time and I’m basically a problem in the work force.

No... Don't lay it on so thick. 'Taking food from your child's mouth', please. No it's not easy, but everyone has to find that balance in their lives, everyone has personal responsibilities on top of their professional ones. It's probably not how you pictured early motherhood, but this is where you are, so you need to make it work. It sounds like you basically are working part time hours for a full time wage, that's the problem. You cannot be working effectively after your 2 year old gets home. Why should you colleagues be working longer hours for the same wage?

You have my respect. Childcare is horrendously expensive. Does your child’s father no pay towards her keep.

Everyone else? I do pick up and I see all the childrens parent at the gate every day so I don’t know who all these childminders are as I’ve never seen one.

i am only gone for a hour which is my lunch break

You cannot work and look after a 2 year old at the same time. Im not allowed to work from home if my children are in the house and my youngest is 13!

Your work isn't just meetings, you're getting paid for the whole day and you can't be achieving your work and looking after a toddler properly at the same time.

I have been a single parent for years, I know it's hard and expensive when they're young, but you need more childcare or a part time job. If I was in your team id probably be annoyed with you too, you're getting paid to work full time but are working part time.