To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

[TheEdgyTiger]

Not everything needs to be a feelings-based negotiation.

The proponents of it claim not, but parenting ability is obviously deteriorating so something is causing it. I've also noticed a decline in the behaviour of dogs and people don't seem to train them anymore. I think people are afraid to say "no" full stop to anyone/thing because they erroneously believe that it causes trauma or something.

Oh good, I don’t think we’ve had a thread criticising parents for about 10-15 minutes, so this is a relief.

We know that responding sensitively to children's emotions gives them the best chance of good emotional regulation later in life.

Surely most parents aim to give their dc the best start they can?

Obviously gentle parenting is nothing to do with being afraid to say no, that's just trolling.

No. It can be used as an excuse for it, but that's not what it means. Just as 'firm discipline' can be used as an excuse for 'I can't control my temper with my children', bur that's not what it means.

True gentle parenting will include the ability to say 'no' without becoming aggressive.

The consequences of poor parenting effects everyone because these children can cause a lot of upset and distress to others when out and about. Some of them are feral.

This again.

No. See, we can and do say it. And DD is a very well-behaved teenager, unlike some of them that were shouted at, grounded and hit. They are the nightmares at her school.

That’s very generous of you.
I think it’d because people don’t want to have ‘difficult’ conversations. Cowardice.

I gentle parent, I tell my kid no all the time.

Gentle parenting needs to be rebranded. It’s supposed to be about explanation, direction and equality. It’s not about not saying no and letting your kids get away with everything. But it’s about the ability to teach boundaries while teaching children that their thoughts and feelings are valid too. We need to keep them safe, happy and of sound body and mind.

I think mental health is so so important these days. I love reminding my children that emotions are completely normal, being upset over something an adult might find trivial, is normal. We just need to learn how to manage those emotions to help ourselves get the best of our life.

I think children should be treated with kindness and due consideration for their feelings. I think wherever possible life should be arranged so the 'no's' are kept to a minimum, by avoiding situations where their wishes and yours will conflict and not having too many rules and restrictions about trivial things. Where that isn't possible I think a firm no with an age appropriate reason is sufficient. I don't think 'acknowledging their feelings' about being told no adds anything to the situation. It simply prolongs it and causes confusion because from their perspective, why bother talking about how they feel if you're not going to make them feel better by changing your no to a yes?

IMO the people who hate on gentle parenting are the ones who don’t want to have difficult conversations, as they just dictate to their children without taking into account their understanding / reaction to it tbh.

No, gentle parenting and permissive parenting are often conflated incorrectly.

Gentle parenting still involves boundaries, often very firm ones. But it also involves acknowledging children's feelings, listening to them, very very very occasionally changing the way things are done based on their perspective, and trying to lead by example.

We say no. The difference is when the kids ask why, we don't say 'because y is a crooked letter', we give the reason behind the 'no'. They won't always accept /like the reason, but it is given, and the 'no' remains.

Example, ds hated brushing his teeth as a toddler and tried to refuse. I told him his teeth would go rotten, would be sore, showed him rotten children's teeth on Google (the explanation). He still refused (not accepting the explanation). So I pinned him down (gently) and brushed then for him (the 'no' still stands. The next time he had a choice, he can brush his teeth or I will - the boundary stands but the power is back in dcs hands

Tbh, I was referring to the more general point of people not saying ‘no’.
Gentle parenting absolutely has its place if it’s used appropriately and correctly.
Some parents think they are ‘gentle parenting’ when in fact they are just NOT parenting.

I worked in one nursery where the manager had banned us from saying 'no' to children in any circumstances. A child could be biting another child and we weren't allowed to say no. We were expected to distract with positive reinforcement instead. Positive reinforcement is great but when a child is behaving unacceptably you need to be able to correct that in an age-appropriate way and instill basic morals and manners. By not addressing bad behaviour you're doing a disservice to the child. I understand that not all people that follow gentle parenting are like this but it does happen sometimes. It seems to be a parenting style rooted in empathy but it also requires empathy to discipline your child, appropriately, when necessary to ensure they grow into considerate, well-rounded people.

You’re mistaking gentle parenting with permissive parenting

I think the problem is how people understand these named ‘parenting methods’

Some people who claim to gentle parent are just totally ineffective.
And others who think if you aren’t gentle parenting you’re beating your kids.

I think gentle parenting, from what I understand of it, is just normal parenting. I don’t think it needs a name
You communicate with your child, talk to them, set consequences for behaviour, they know ‘no means no’ etc.

I think the name and ‘brand’ needs to be dropped.

The term gentle parenting has been appropriated by permissive or negligent parents to make it look like their hands off lack of parenting is a considered choice rather than laziness.

Gentle parenting does include the word no, appropriate boundaries and consequences. Gentle parenting is not ineffectually muttering "kind hands" as your 3 year old repeatedly bashes another child over the head with a heavy book.

Also, I think the confusion between gentle parenting and permissive parenting is often due to permissive parents claiming to gentle parent.

I think it’s one of those things now it’s too late to come back from it, the ‘stigma’ is there. So permissive parents have ruined the name

🍿

Personally I prefer to beat my kids. I have no interest in their mental health over the course of their lifetime or their own feelings of self worth.

I forsee many lonely Christmases in my future but it will be worth it to prove the value of the word “No” to myself.

Base on what I've observed, the thing that is considered real gentle parenting. Sounds like regular parenting, but it has been given a name for some reason. And then some parenta claim to follow the gentle parenting philosophy and use that as an excuse for bad parenting.

I think acknowledging their feelings in that situation means something more like accepting that they are sad or angry about the 'no' and not (for example) telling them off for crying.

It seems to have become popularised by the books authored by Sarah Ockwell Smith who has absolutely no formal training in child development beyond a BSc in Psychology from a low-ranking university. I am surprised that she's become an authority on parenting tbh.

I miss the laugh emoji.

IRL the person I know who rants about gentle parenting is a child-free person. So she doesn't have a child, isn't around children a lot, doesn't spend time in any childcare settings and just assumes she knows why kids are as they are.

It's the beaten, neglected and screamed at kids who are 'feral'. Poor lambs.

You are confusing it with permissive parenting or non parenting.

I was in my local shop and there was a mother with a child of about 4. As she passed the sweets he started saying " I want sweeeeets" in that whiny tone we've all heard. She looked at him and said" I understand your feelings but they don't align with my opinions on this issue". It didn't work, he carried on saying it and she repeated her phrase. I almost laughed. What's wrong with saying a simple" no, not today". It must be exhausting thinking up all these phrases if you feel you can't say no to your child.