To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

[TheEdgyTiger]

Not everything needs to be a feelings-based negotiation.

This whole idea is so relevant to the "your child is whatever they say they are" idea which in its extreme leads parents to agree their child is the opposite sex. I'm just listening to this:

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/109-what-if-we-are-all-wrong-a-mothers-regret-with-rose/id1542655295?i=1000607827603

I was just thinking that too. Very young children come out with words and phrases they don't understand because they imitate those around them. They can't foresee the implications of what they say. It's amazed and horrified me that some parents take what they say literally.

Nope. Everyone loves to slag off gentle parenting - I’ve found that it’s usually boomers or people who don’t have children themselves - however most people my age (millennials) including myself, practice gentle parenting & generally have kids who are good at regulating their emotions, expressing themselves & understanding boundaries.

Have you met children?
Or Indeed teenagers and their mental health epidemic?

This^
DS2 has ADHD and is very sensitive.
We gentle parent in terms of listening and taking into account his point of view. He’s an intelligent lad with some very good points of view and often persuasive arguments. He has “permission” to question my choices and decisions and disagree with them. We have heathy discussions about things, sometimes he’s right and I’ll change my view or decision. But he knows if I say no after discussion then the answers no and he’ll accept that as long as he feels heard.
He’s a very well adjusted, kind, compassionate and polite young man.

I think you are confusing gentle parenting and permissive parenting. I gentle parent but say no and set boundaries every day.

.... don't get me started on permissive parenting though.....

That's sad to read 😕

I think you raise some excellent points here.

Your voice on this thread is excellent. Very interesting, insightful and thought provoking information. Thankyou for your contributions.

I think without knowing each child's history, that's a bit of a reach.

There's a spectrum though isn't there? Obviously there have to be hard "no"s and there have to be behaviours which children know are off limits. With boundaries enforced and appropriate punishment to follow if those rules are broken. Anyone who thinks they can rationalise a preschooler out of throwing a tantrum is delusional.

But that doesn't preclude attempts to empathise with a child and to show that his or her feelings are valid, even if the behaviour won't be allowed.

I have to say no to my teen all the time (as all parents of teens do). And punish her if she breaks my rules. But I will sometimes explain my rationale and I will take her feelings into account.

It doesn't have to be a zero sum game where you're either a permissive, hippy parent who talks about "gentle hands" OR a Victorian authoritarian who whacks them for every minor misdemeanour. Most sensible parenting involves some fudges and compromises.

@drspouse

And I also see a lot of privilege. If your family is in temporary accommodation and you're worried about your children being put into care then being clean and tidy at school is an absolute must. You fear judgement and worse.

This is absolutely true. But again that doesn't mean there's never a place for compassion, empathy or discussion.

Because some families have a higher bar to clear in terms of societal judgement it doesn't follow that all families need to lean toward the most authoritarian solution possible in any discipline scenario.

Yep, many children & many teenagers through my work. I also have children myself & children who I am close to within my family & friendship groups. Thanks for clarifying though.

I'm still not seeing much that's unique to gentle parenting!

And? It’s not revolutionary not to beat your kids

Do people actually just pick a parenting style and just stick with it. I feel like i do a bit of everything dependant on the situation like with sweets or toys it would be no you have ..... at home or no its nearly tea time. With violence it no would you like it if someone did that to you. But if my kids do something really out of the ordinary for them then it would be more of a sit down discussion to why they did it. Or if they suddenly develop a pattern on negative behaviour it would again be a sit down discussion to try to find out what's going on. I don't think every little thing needs a heart to heart discussion but I think somethings do. So surely instead of having a specific parenting style it's best to just parent to the situation. Also each kid is different i parent my son different to my daughters as he's a lot more sensitive

I'm gentle parenting, I say no regularly 'can I have more biscuits?' 'you had a cake at lunchtime and that's enough sugar for the day, would you like a biscuit I. Your munch ix tomorrow?' if there's upset, he's allowed to be upset but he still doesn't get the biscuit. He also doesn't get yelled at, told to shut up and eff off, hit or shamed for wanting a biscuit. If he follows up that he's hungry he'll be offered other, more appropriate food.

What do you think gentle parenting is?

What you're saying isn't NOT gentle parenting? Gentle parenting simply refers to treating a child with respect and taking their feelings into account.

Hitting, definitely a no in our house, will involve being removed from a situation, we will also, when calm talk about what cause hitting or whatever to occur and work out how to stop it in future.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean never saying no or being permissive

I'm 51.

I'd say I practiced 'gentle parenting'. If I had to put a label on it.

Not intentionally because my children were too old by the time it became a thing! But I grew up in an abusive household and raised in fear, shame and humiliation. I didn't want that for my own children. So I deliberately raised them differently.

There were boundaries, consequences and expectations but I've never 'punished', shouted at them or smacked them. We talked and had had restorative conversations.

They're 18 and 26 now. One is a naturally easy child, the other isn't but I've never had any 'problems' with either of them. They were both praised at school for their behaviour and emotional intelligence. One is a graduate. The other is at university. They both have a good work ethic and have both been recognised at work for their positive attitudes towards work, relationships with colleagues and initiative. They've both volunteered. They're independent, self confident and resilient.

The biggest problem I see is that, as has been said many times on threads like these, a lot of people who claim to practice 'gentle parenting just aren't parenting at all. The children call the shots, they're never allowed to be upset or feel disappointment or frustration so they never learn how to deal with those perfectly normal and unavoidable human emotions.

But there are problems across the board. There's a thread in AIBU at the moment by a woman who doesn't like the tone of a message from her 18 year old daughter. Some of the responses are ridiculous - suggested responses are petty, punitive, combative and retaliatory and just aren't going to elicit a positive outcome.

The problem is that a lot of people don't have very high emotional intelligence, don't have any understanding of child development and normal stages of development or just assume their children will grow up knowing how to be a part of society and manage themselves and their emotions without any understanding of how they influence that as parents. Or just lack the skills themselves that we should all be instilling in children (eg resilience etc).

I never saw my children as 'mine' though. I raised them to be members of society - a part of the whole. As children, I didn't see them as precious things I should 'protect' from the world at all costs. But as part of that world. And that doesn't mean I didn't protect them either. I haven't had contact with my mother for 13 years in order to protect them.

So either you’re a gentle parent or you beat / swear your children?

Agree. OP is confused between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

Gentle parenting simply refers to treating a child with respect and taking their feelings into account.

This.

And I also see a lot of privilege. If your family is in temporary accommodation and you're worried about your children being put into care then being clean and tidy at school is an absolute must. You fear judgement and worse.

I grew up in an abusive family and still have a lot of trauma as a result.

When my son was born, I was made homeless. I was discharged from hospital into temporary accommodation and spent a year there. I had no family support. No friends and, yes, I felt that judgement. A lot of women in the same accommodation as me had their babies removed so, yes, I feared that too. We were also physically threatened.

That was nearly 30 years ago and although my life looks very different now, there's not a day that goes by when I don't remember it or 'feel' it still.

And I still managed to be a good parent because I wanted their experience to be different to mine.

@GreyCarpet do you think parents in poverty who insist on their DCs being neat and tidy, following what may seem like arbitrary rules, and having to say No a lot because they can't control their child's environment or the attitude of others... Are they not good parents?

Gentle parenting is nothing to do with saying No, rather it's a test of emotional strength.
It's about responding mindfully rather than a knee jerk reaction.
If you have a six foot male teenager in full rage mode because he's still learning how to handle his emotions the worst thing given do can do is mirror his negative energy by shouting and screaming back.
Firm boundaries, mindful response and open and honest conversations regarding consequences and how their behaviour affects others once everyone is calm is the best way to go.
We already have a world full of selfish unkind people, children don't always do what you say, but do tend to do what you do. If you are an angry aggressive adult chances are you'll have angry aggressive children.