To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

[TheEdgyTiger]

Not everything needs to be a feelings-based negotiation.

Hypocrisy right there.

That's exactly what I would do with said toddler in my example. Pushing them round a supermarket whilst being calm and non stressed whilst they're "tantrumming" Is the exact real world equivalent of 'sitting with them until they're calm' . My kids are pretty well turned out, and very balanced emotionally. They're not "I want" children and never have been, they're very settled. I notice the screechy "I want" kids are normally the ones where the parent has purposefully practiced "gentle parenting" i.e (and I've witnessed it) lots of monologuing, lots of "sweethearts" to some deeply unpleasant behaviour, and "compromising" whilst smirking and looking over their shoulder to see who's watching their performance.

Honestly, this thread... There's this ridiculous assumption that everyone who isn't employing "gentle parenting " isn't actually "normal parenting" i.e being kind, considerate to your own child, validating them etc etc. do people realise that it's possible to be a decent loving, non abusive parent without employing the whole back and forth waffle for ages over a request denial to their child ?!

Not at all, there's this weird thing from people using all kinds of gentle parenting principles that they AREN'T gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting looks different in every family, that's essentially what I'm saying. Permissive parenting ISN'T gentle parenting

It seems like a shit show to me, I've seen the videos of "gentle parent" supporters saying they don't force their child to do anything or stop them doing anything.

Sorry but if I was to actually live life that way my child would have rotten teeth (refused to brush teeth and had to be held down for years) and would play video games all day, never do homework etc.

It's no suprise most of these advocates have one really young child and think they're parenting experts.

Wait till your child catches lice and you have to comb them out their hair or you could just not bother because "body autonomy"

Maybe it depends on the child? Mine always happily brush their teeth etc. And my daughter loves being nitcombed so much I have to use the comb once a week just because she finds it relaxing

I expect it is just easier to use the gentle parenting method on some children than others.

Oh definitely I was very chilled out and quiet as a child, my first born certainly wasn't, teeth brushing time was a scream fest from age 2-6. Luckily he's a boy who likes having really short hair because God only knows how much he would hate being nitcombed.

Ive noticed a lot of these gentle parenting influencers only have one child (usually really young like toddler age) and I think they've just lucked out with a compliant child and haven't realised it yet

That's why I tried to get a definition or some minimums of gentle parenting from people but nobody has come up with anything coherent.

I don't beat my children but was chucked off a gentle parenting FB group for suggesting the vanishing chair technique because it's "traumatic".
Mate, my kids are adopted. They had more trauma in their first month than those parents will hopefully see in a lifetime. Gradually and calmly removing yourself from your child's room isn't it.

See I wouldn't instinctively do the vanishing chair technique in kids with trauma, because I'd worry there was more upset below the surface than they were letting out.

My eldest has medical trauma and is neurodivergent and at 7 needs a lot of support to sleep so I know how hard sleep deprivation is.

I read a definition I liked which was that typical 90s parents were behaviourists, all parenting geared towards getting the behavior you want kid escalates so you escalate.

Gentle parenting is geared towards supporting kids to do their best.

On the whole though I think you parent the kid you have, we all have pre conceived notions of how we'll parent and I definitely didn't expect to gentle parent. It's the only thing that works for my eldest. My youngest is one of those kids I swear she could be raised by wolves and she'd come out neat, tidy and polite.tye more I gentle parent though the more I really believe in it! But if you're not abusing or neglecting your children I'm not judging I just dislike the way people portray gentle parenting and the hyperbole because it's not permissive or lazy parenting it's constant hard work and constant consistent boundaries or it should be

I wanted to parent respectfully. Unfortunately I had five children, became a single parent and there just weren't enough hours in the day for hugging away everyone's negative feelings and occasionally 'because I said so' was wheeled out.

They all seem to have turned out all right, emotionally literate and with normal behaviour. Sometimes we just have to do our best in the moment and not beat ourselves up because we didn't enter a two hour negotiation about something.

I don't identify with this at all, teeth brushing especially as I have genetically crap teeth and I worry I've passed them on. Tooth brushing is 'your purple or green brush? (We always have a stick of brushes as buy multipacks and they like to have 2 on the go) Strawberry or mint toothpaste (sensory issues for eldest so he really can get very distressed with a flavour) then it's brush yourself or I brush for you. 9/19 times they brush and get me to finish, 1/10 times I'm holding on my knees and brushing somewhat against their will but my eldest has had to have medical procedures and kids need to know they can trust you to do the hard things if they can't. For me it's how it's worded 'can you brush ? If you're too upset I'll brush for you, I'll count to 3 and if you haven't been able to start I'll do it...

It sounds a palavar but it's 5 mins in reality and just a nice 5 mins, eldest needs to feel he has a choice, youngest just thinks teeth brushing is fun

I read a definition I liked which was that typical 90s parents were behaviourists, all parenting geared towards getting the behavior you want kid escalates so you escalate.

I'm not at all sure you understand what behaviourism means from this. Escalating when the child escalates means the child gets a chaos response (which is very rewarding to a lot of children, either those with ADHD who get a dopamine kick or those with chaotic upbringings). The best response to escalating behaviour is total calmness - neither rewarding it nor making the child feel unsafe.

I am also not quite sure you understand trauma (though TBF my DCs trauma is due to losing their birth parents at birth rather than due to any abuse), my point was that a loving parent moving gradually out of their bedroom while they drift off to sleep is not trauma. Losing a parent is trauma but a parent not coming immediately when a baby cries is not.

But since many things like CBT that are really effective in poor mental health rely on some form of behaviour techniques I'm happy to use them, and I know I do understand what's meant by behaviour techniques and I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't.

So I'm relaxed about them telling me I'm a dreadful parent.

Is ‘gentle parenting’ a thing? I’ve not heard of this fad.

Having had this discussion on here for about the last 16 years, here's where I am now: Gentle Parenting has no central "text" or origin, (No, Sarah Ockwell Smith didn't invent it) so it's not a defined method or approach, which means these conversations will always go around in circles because everybody has a different idea of what it means and nobody can prove their point so there will never be consensus.

I used to identify with it as a label but don't any more. I've no idea when I dropped it - probably some time between 2016 and 2020. I haven't really changed what parenting approaches I use. I just don't insist that they are "gentle" and I no longer have a very strong idea of what I would say that means. I actually think what we used to call gentle parenting ~10 years ago is totally mainstream normal modern parenting advice. There is really nothing in up to date, modern parenting advice which goes against the GP principles I originally felt represented the idea. There used to be - but not so much now. Parenting advice has changed a lot.

I have also learnt a LOT more about behaviourism and have gone full circle and don't think it's totally evil any more though I do think that behaviourism as it is popularly interpreted is often overly simplistic and doesn't tell you the whole story (and sometimes that's OK - you don't always need to sit and interpret every single behaviour).

Some of the GP stuff on social media has gone the same way as everything on social media in terms of polarisation, which has strengthened the idea of it as a "brand" (identity). I don't think the identity part is helpful. I think this actually kept me away from useful advice when my eldest was younger because I was afraid that it wouldn't "fit with my parenting style". I think this is worse now because of the way SM algorithms and groupthink work, and it is causing some pockets of extreme thinking. I see a lot of parents today online worried about disordered attachment and trauma, which I never used to see. It's extremely unlikely that normal, non-abusive, non-neglectful parenting would cause these things. Even if you are addicted to a screen and struggle with anxiety. I think social media makes this worse (I like this article, even just the free part of it: Does Everyone on Reddit have OCD?)

There is a current moral panic about parenting/standards but I honestly don't think this is down to anything at all other than the fact cultural norms change, and every generation thinks children are uniquely badly behaved in the generation below (plus a crisis in schools because of many complicated reasons but probably not hugely parenting. Parents and children have not fundamentally changed.) I think there have always been crap parents, there have always been anxious parents, there have always been overprotective parents. Probably some of them are more drawn to online content which calls itself gentle parenting and some of that leads to more extreme or more public manifestations of what would happen anyway. In general I think if you took all parenting everyone is doing as a whole now compared with any point in the past it is a net gain. Collectively, I think we parent better than we used to in the past and I think it is likely to continue to improve in the future, whatever trends come and go.

My son has genuine medical trauma from recurrent seizures, hospitalisations and medical treatments. That's what I mean by trauma. No i do not think it's traumatizing to move away form the bed if your kids are calm and relaxed. My son would find it traumatic, he has big fears that surface at bedtime, seizures always hit when going to sleep so he was afraid to sleep for the longest time. That's all I mean, and what I mean by we parent the kid we get.

You don't have to like the definition I liked I found it helpful.