To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

[TheEdgyTiger]

Not everything needs to be a feelings-based negotiation.

Same a women in her 70’s who hates children so much she stipulated, when marketing her house for sale, that no children should be allowed to view as apparently they are all clutching fruit shoots and spraying them everywhere. Further justified by saying their opinion is irrelevant (which it might be but misses the point of why children might need to go with their parents and said that anyone buying her modestly priced house could afford childcare 🤣

I think the problem with gentle parenting is it doesn’t prepare kids well for adult life when they won’t be “gentle parented” by their employer/landlord/bank/whoever and therefore they end up feeling completely let down and dissatisfied.

I think it's laziness and wanting to be your child's friend which is causing a lot of problems. As well as lack of respect for authority.

Sometimes when you’re pissing into the wind it feels better to have the one sided conversation with a degree of flare.

sorry meant to quote @Buxusmortus

Well said. I am in my 60s. It annoys me intensely when much younger people patronisingly start making wild and inaccurate generalisations about how people my age and older approached the difficult business of bringing up children in earlier times. Guess what, not everybody took the same approach! Just like now.

Yabu..
I had some very hard boundaries as a gentle parent.
I just only set hard rules if I felt they were needed and justified.

Mine are teens now. They do their homework, go to bed at a sensible time etc all without fuss or even nagging. They are a delight to be around and we still enjoy spending time together.

The friends I know who were much stricter are having far more issues with their teens.

That is quite funny though. Maybe she knew that if she said 'no, not today' he'd either still just do the whining, or escalate it into full-on tantrumming, so she thought she might as well go with the most entertaining response.

There’s an assumption that children are all the same, they all need their feelings acknowledging. It really isn’t true. Some children have very superficial histrionic responses and what helps them is very clear firm boundaries. I live near a primary school and hear certain children escalating histrionic protests all along the road. There’s no feeling involved that needs gentle parenting, it’s all ego assertion from a child who wants to dominate. As in all cases, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and so many parents assume they are masters of psychology because they ve heard acknowledging feelings is good. Honestly, it’s AI parenting. Hopeless.

But do we? Do we not also know that allowing children to work out how to behave appropriately and that feelings are not damaging will help them to be mature and worthwhile members of society?

I feel we have thrown the baby of "I am your parent and it will not hurt you to learn that what I say goes and that you ARE able to regulate yourself without analysing your every mood blip" out with the bathwater of "shut up or I'll give you something to cry about".

Reminds me of a mother I knew 30 years ago who saw her 5yo hit another child, totally unprovoked. (I saw it too.) She was a very gentle person, and really struggled with her son's behaviour. In anguished tones she said 'X! That was .. that was absolutely ... not good.' I have no doubt that she would have latched onto the phrase 'We gentle parent' had it been in use back then, but the truth was that she did a lot of reading about child development and agonising over her son's behaviour, which was often aggressive, and not nearly enough simple common sense laying down simple ground rules and consequences. He needed to hear the word 'No' much more often rather than yet another long talk about his emotions.

I keep reading on here about parents disciplining kids but then apologising to them?? just why? talk about giving them mixed messages, if you are going to discipline, bloody stick to your guns🙄

Gentle parenting feels off to most people because the only parenting technique they’ve ever experienced is control through the ‘carrot and the stick’.

Ive never used punishment with my dcs. I learnt pretty quickly it didn’t work.
I still had very clear boundaries, sets of acceptable abnd unacceptable things. Standards that most people in the U.K. thought were too harsh….

Theyre now young adults. Theyre independent. Doing really well. Kind. Hard working. Not entitled or spoiled.

Yes we do.

Because you just have to look at adults, the way they behave, the number of people who are totally immature emotionally.
And the ones who REALLY are emotionally mature, who can have hard conversations wo falling into the blame game, victim mentality etc etc… are those who have been taught to deal with their own emotions (starting with being able to recognise them!)

If the comment is that it’s not usual. Yep that’s true it’s not usual. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong though.

I don't think of myself as a gentle parenting afficionado, I believe children need firm boundaries and parents who aren't afraid to be unpopular. And yet I learned the hard way, through adopting my dc2 who is very disregulated, that traditional parenting just doesn't do it for some kids.

My dd needs high intensity parenting; it is absolutely exhausting. It is also very frustrating in the moment. I have learned that when she is disregulated there is absolutely no point making demands, disciplining or trying to talk to her. I have to be constantly thinking ahead to help her be able to make the right choices, to avoid her feeling cornered.

The sticky part is where it hits the outside world. I'm very aware that I'm preparing her for real life, in which she won't have people smoothing her path. I don't know if I always get it right. But I do know that it is utterly pointless to just expect her to shape up in the way my older child has.

I suppose what I'm doing is therapeutic parenting, which is not the same as lazy parenting. But I think it has enough in common with gentle parenting to make the point that traditional parenting doesn't always work. I'm also intensely annoyed by poorly parented kids, but IME that can happen with strict as well as with gentle parenting.

They are treated with respect though.

I wish we could just parent children properly without all these damn labels.

I was parented with love, discipline, firm boundaries, a village that looked out for me and set me straight if needed. I was raised to have an opinion but be respectful of boundaries and authority etc...

I am now a confident, largely emotionally stable adult who manages to do well in work, friendships and have a great relationship with my parents, and I'm raising my child in the same fashion.

At this point, just some actual parenting would be useful in so many instances.

Please could you kindly share some examples of your very hard boundaries?

Mine would be - we brush our teeth twice a day, we say please and thank you, we treat others with respect and kindness. Yesterday my child was arguing about being allowed to cycle on a narrow verge next to a busy road. I just said “your safety is not up for debate” so I guess that was an example.

before anyone criticises this is not intended to be an exhaustive list but some examples off the top of my head.

My experience is the opposite.
I have young adults that are now independent and hard working. They dint need anyone to tell them what’s ok or not ok.
They have boundaries whilst still being able to work WITH people, adjust and adapt, take other people ideas into account. Great for team work for example.

It’s only an issue if you assume that being ‘gentlest parented’ means never having to face difficulties or boubdaries, respect rules etc… But that’s not what it is about.

Could you say more about the ones who are REALLY emotionally mature? They were taught to deal with their emotion, you say.

So who are they, who taught them, what age group and culture are they?

It all just seems to rear feral children. But each to their own. 🙄

Kids need discipline and boundaries. I wouldn’t ever have stood at the front door negotiating with either of my children about going out. I’m the parent. I’m in charge.

I think “gentle parenting” needs a major re-brand. I was dubious about it until I read up more and tbh it’s not meant to be permissive parenting like many seem to think. It’s meant to be firm but fair.

*edit - at least that’s my understanding from what I’ve read.

That’s incredible! I wonder if he is asked to put his request in an email too 😂

That is hilarious - but it basically had exactly the same outcome as saying no, ie the child didn't get the sweets. So really it didn't matter how she phrased it, the outcome was the same.

The child wouldn't have been any less whiny/moany if she'd given him a straight no - if only a simple no put an end to whiny moaning, then no parent would ever lose their shit!

As a supply teacher OP the most challenging children were those whose parents didn't put the time and effort into them that they needed. They might mean they just let them do whatever they wanted for a quiet life, it might mean they said yes to everything for a quiet life or it might mean they yelled and threatened them to get them to quickly do what they wanted.

The problem isn't gentle parenting, it's any type of parenting where the parents aren't bothering to put time and effort into supporting and teaching their kids all the things they need to learn. Gentle parenting done properly actually requires plenty of time and effort.