To think “gentle parenting” is just a rebrand of being too afraid to say no?

[TheEdgyTiger]

Not everything needs to be a feelings-based negotiation.

Who taught them?
Parents from their interactions with them and each other. The same than you teach respect, care or that violence/humiliation etc…. to your dc, whether you like it or not.
Sometimes, people learnt that later on. Because they’ve had therapy, read a lot around the subject but basically taught themselves.
Fir me, one big learning curve was learning about my emotionally immature parents and their impact on me.

You sound quite dubious. Maybe do some reading around psychology. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think a lot of this is performative, to be honest. I've seen some real shockers when travelling on the train.

Latest one was a mum explaining to her 36 month-old (by looks) that if she didn't use "a quiet voice" there would be "special measures".

I was off at the next stop so never got to find out what the "special measures" were. Perhaps she had an Ofsted costume in her bag 😂

On today's episode of things that actually didn't happen.

It did happen actually.

It is all very well saying we should acknowledge a child's feelings and say that it is okay to feel that way. But sometimes it isn't okay. Far from it.

You do not want to affirm to a small child that it is acceptable (for instance) to be furiously enraged with another child and want to hit them repeatedly.

Sometimes you just have to tell them that those feelings are wrong.

Gentle parenting isn't just about expressing feelings - this is such a lazy opinion. Turns out I'm a fairly gentle parent without actually knowing what this was at the time. Also turns out my DD is autistic. Happily for us this is really compatible style of parenting for her needs. She's not whiny or difficult. I've really enjoyed parenting. It worked for us.

YABU because gentle parenting is not about negotiation. It’s about being respectful and empathetic whilst being firm (boundaries) rather than authoritarian

In this case you would acknowledge that they are furious, but explain to them that their behaviour is not OK. Something along the lines of 'timmy I know you are very cross, but that does not mean you can hit jenny.' while removing timmy from jenny until he has calmed down. No second chances. Just a recognition that yes, he is furious, but no, hitting is no acceptable, and will lead to consequences ie-being removed from the play

I think when people talk about "gentle" parenting, they are really talking about ineffectual parenting and we've all come across it.

2 year old having a screaming tantrum on the floor in a shop because Mum won't buy whatever, rather than scoop child up under one arm and march out the shop, the mother tries to have a conversation with screaming child about decisions and feelings and how to make different choices.

Or a child thumping other children at a playgroup while a parent smiles on indulgently making passive comments about using kind hands.

I think gentle parenting with boundaries is fine.

unfortunately that is not what seems to be being done. People are teaching their children but not giving boundaries, not saying no and not teaching their children that sometimes they just don’t get what they want.

The other week there was a thread with some mum wondering if it was ok to “ask” her child to be quiet on occasion. Someone actually said no !!

Can you imagine how much of a self centred pain in the arse such a child would be when it grows up ?

If you want to know what it looks like go over to the thread on teaching where 12 year olds parent has emailed saying her DC is upset as the school didn’t get her flowers after a 6 minute part of a play.

I wonder at what stage these entitled children will finally be told no…

But it is completely acceptable to feel anger; however hitting is not ok. It’s about teaching kids how to regulate their emotions and deal with, say anger, in a healthy way; not suppress feelings or make someone feel wrong for feeling them. If you feel angry, you feel angry.

I sound quite dubious? About what? About your assertions? Is it not ok to ask what exactly you’re referring to?

It's a jump on the bandwagon by trendy airheads. No time for it.

Oh God not this again.

You're confusing gentle parenting, which can be firm and boundary driven but tries to avoid shouting or aggression, with permissive parenting, where there are no boundaries at all and often very few rules and minimal discipline.

It's perfectly possible to discipline your children effectively without frightening, bullying or threatening them.

Children who have no boundaries whatsoever don't do well. Children who are intimidated by their parents and punished arbitrarily without any discussion as to why they're being punished don't do well either.

I really wish people would learn the difference.

Some of the best gentle parenting advice I read was to say no very firmly to a situation early on if you felt that entering into negotiations or explanations was going to wind you up and cause you to feel angry.

The idea being that to parent with the level of patience required for gentle parenting, you need to be emotionally regulated and have strong boundaries around looking after yourself

Better to keep yourself calm than try to enter into a reasoned empathetic negotiation on an empty sleep deprived touched out tank.

Actual gentle parenting is very difficult to do in practice. It requires a lot of emotional work and effort.

I agree with the comments that true gentle parenting is what most sensible parents always did with great success. But they now give it a silly meaningless name and people interpret that as letting kids do what they want. You encourage explain, but there has to be some control or children can put themselves in danger or hurt others and are not prepared for rules that apply to school and adult life.

Why do you think parenting ability is declining?
Teen pregnancies are going down. Gen z are more able to talk about their mental health.

Lots of society things are getting worse like schools and youth clubs etc increasing pressure on families

I know, right?

The use of the phrase itself is very telling: it implies that its intrinsically wrong to be compassionate and considerate. Surely all parenting should be aiming to be "gentle". I don't want to rule my kid with a rod of iron and wallop her if she spills milk in the kitchen or forgets to do her homework. Call me a soft bleeding hearted liberal etc but I don't believe frightening children (or anyone) into doing what you ask is a great way to establish authority and build trust.

That doesn't mean I won't establish and enforce rules, I do. I have a long list of things I don't tolerate and punishment will be applied if they are broken. But that doesn't preclude me from compassion or discussion in the way I discharge them.

I find it really irritating that people start these threads all the time as if they're some huge "gotcha" which explain that this is the source of all the problems of youth. Parenting is far more complex than simply terrorising your kids into submission.

I pretty much agree with this.

Also for me I respect children as much as adults. But obviously sometimes have to say no (to both really)

To me gentle parenting is respectful parenting. The awareness that your child is a human being who needs consideration while being aware it’s your job to teach them The skills of adulthood.

so not my dad saying to me “quit crying or ill give you something to cry about”. Lovely!

It is acceptable to feel cross or thwarted - but certainly not the overwhelming rage exhibited by some small children. They need to learn to control their emotions and calm themselves down. They need to learn not to get angry like that. And how are they going to learn to do that if nobody tells them they should?

Road safety, food safety (they have allergies) , water safety. Eg. If they went near the sea before I was ready I was clear we would go straight home.

Those kind of things.

But they knew that if I was being very strict it was for their safety

Meanwhile my friend who was wildly strict with her children about everything couldn't control them near roads /water etc because they didn't see her being firm about that any different to her 80000 other rules.

I would identify as a gentle parent. I say no plenty. In my better moments I aim to accompany this with an explanation of my reasoning and empathy if the no is difficult to hear. Just as I would for any other human being who I respected. And no not everything is a feeling based negotiation in my house although I am very proud of my daughters' emption regulation skills and negotiation skills and I like to think mine and my husband's parenting has had a role to play in that.

Gentle parenting requires a lot of nos. I follow gentle parenting methods specifically because I like that it recommends firm boundaries.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean saying yes to everything. It means saying no in a way which is firm, kind, and respectful to the child. It means offering support instead of punishment for big feelings, without giving in to demands.

I tell my children that all feelings e.g. anger are acceptable, emotion suppression helps no-one, what isn't acceptable is acting on it in negative ways eg shouting hitting etc. So we work on strategies to manage those big feelings. It's the work of a whole childhood and many finish childhood without these skills but this is more likely if they are told feelings are bad or not to feel their feelings.