To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

He is a kid, and sounds like a very immature one at that.

DM tells me boys are different. I was cooking full on family meals, housework, laundry at 12 years old and living away at uni at 18.
My older teen boy can’t even find the laundry basket! It’s frustrating, but he does have AuDHD, it’s just not easy to live with when I know how capable I was.

The thing is, if you say it are you prepared to follow through and turf him out onto the streets into possible homelessness? It’s not something I could do, and idle threats are pointless. No idea what the solution is though.

I despair of my fellow males sometimes... At that age I was doing A levels, worked weekends as a cleaner in a hospital, and had a girlfriend 😀. Give him a metaphorical kick up the arse. Get him to join the army or something 🤔 Make sure he's not watching chauvinistic bllcks online.

I would simply do a silent retreat so no money, no doing his laundry and few meals cooked. He has to become independent. I will say not all boys are like this though! Both ds have done their own laundry from age 13 or so, cook and had jobs from 15. They used the moan a bit if asked to hoover though!

And change the wifi password

Boys are not different. It is simply that girls are conditioned from birth to be service providers and are gaslit into thinking they simply mature faster than boys so that they can take on additional domestic duties. It’s simple misogyny.

Sit down and have a proper conversation with him not a confrontational argument.

Let him know that you understand that he may feel a certain way because he doesn’t quite understand what he wants to do with his life but he needs to be doing something whilst he figures that out.

Go to open days at colleges with him or book in an appointment with their career counsellor to try and see what’s available for him.

Have a look around for jobs at supermarkets, restaurants, bars etc even if it’s on a part time basis to start with.

Change the wifi password and only give it out once set chores are done for the day. You son needs to remember that he is part of the household and needs to contribute towards it. Taking out bins, washing up, putting laundry away, hoovering etc are all basic jobs that he should be doing.

Once he is working set an amount that he’s giving you per month. You can either put it towards rent/mortgage if you need to or save it up secretly so than one day when he does move out you can help put it towards a deposit.

Mine aren't quite there yet, but I've had it from my youngest, and pointed out that a) he lives in the house and needs to at least tidy up after himself and b) this is not only because I don't want to do it, but also because he needs to be able to do it when he moves out.

It does sometimes feel like bashing my head against a brick wall, but then something will happen and I realise I have got through (eg. all his socks in the laundry bin, washing arriving downstairs without me having to ask, rubbish/empty drinks cans brought down with no reminder)

I think the issue might be that you've left it a bit late to instil your authority, and his responsibility - you can either take the explanation route (if you think he'll be reasonable/have a conscience) or drop the rope and stop doing things for him unless he pulls his weight.

Part of the problem is that as you said yourself, you wouldn't actually chuck him out, and he knows it - you need to be firm and stick to your guns on what is reasonable behaviour.

Well I have 3 daughters, I have two who are lazy louts and my youngest who is the opposite and can't stand chaos or mess. I guess my point is some teens are lazy self absorbed louts some are not. I don't think it is a boy/ girl thing at all. Op described my older dd (also 17) to a tee bar the answering back she just says ok but doesn't do it

This is not about individual examples but rather societal expectations. You said that ‘boys are different’ which is not true. They are just treated differently by society and have different expectations placed upon them. Just look at all the threads on here from women tearing their hair out trying to do everything while their male partners do next to nothing.

Oh, I remember my brother trying to do this at that age. My parents stopped cooking or providing any food for him nor did they let him have anything else. Guess who quickly revised their attitude. Must add that she worked full time and we were all expected to do our chores. My dad cooked all the meals, shopped and did the ironing.

You said that ‘boys are different’ which is not true
That wasn't me who said that.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going

I think yabu. I mean, if he was 27, no...the time obviously comes for an ultimatum. But at 17? No.

Ds1 is 17. This time last year he was in school. With mummy and daddy picking his blazer up from the uniform shop for him. To go from that to 'do better or get the fuck out' in the space of a year isn't the kind of parent I'd want to be tbph.

Add to that, kids don't generally go from helpful, functioning family members to useless layabouts who don't know how to wash a dish at 17. Tbph, the fact that he does nothing around the house is on you. He should have been doing regular, age appropriate chores round the house for a decade already. This shouldn't be something you're trying to force him into NOW, at 17! You reap what you sow op.

Oh sorry, I thought you were the original poster that I had responded to, my mistake.

If he wants to be treated like an adult and have freedom like an adult then he needs to behave like one and take responsibility for his actions.

Try sitting him down "as an adult" for a family meeting, and point out that as he is almost an adult and not a child, then he needs to be helping out more, so if he doesn't want to put the bins out, what would he LIKE to do to help out?

Make him take some responsibility.

If he doesn't help out, then I'd be changing the wifi password! Does he pay for his own phone?

I would have exploded at him for that level of rudeness. I'd also be removing all financial support beyond the bare minimum and not providing any luxuries until he gets himself another job. He's not a kid, he's nearly an adult and is totally not equipped. I do get it, I have a 16yo boy too but that level of disrespect is totally unacceptable.

Does he have a positive male role model?

Has he seen men treat you well?

Stop paying for things, including data for his phone.
Stop doing his washing.
Stop cooking for him.
Turn off the WiFi.
Shut the door to his bedroom and ignore everything inside it.

Just stop making his life easier until he helps to make yours easier. Let him learn the art of give and take/barter or learn how to be totally independent. At 18 he is legally an adult.

YANBU btw.

I didn't move out properly until I was 26 but I did have my own room I kept clean at all times.

That was me working 2 jobs, earning about £20k a year so probably could have afforded a room or 1 bed flat rental.

Boys just take a bit longer.

I would just like to say that my 15 year old boy who has ASD & ADHD and some mild learning difficulties can cook simple meals, will do his chores, and will chip in with help when asked so let’s not start using “oh the poor lamb is ND” as an excuse.

Time to change the wifi password?

I’ve got a DS17 and I would have no problem finding a solution if mine spoke to me like that. He would come home to find his PS5 gone.

It would be hidden where he could not find it. Take it to work or a friend’s house. If his behaviour deteriorates further, sell it. I sold a PS4 on eBay within two hours of adding it - not for this reason though..

Seriously, I take no crap from mine. A bit of moaning, yes, but not refusal to help and swearing at me.

I would have a serious conversation about becoming an adult. Sit down with him and talk about the household chores and how they should be split.
I had clear jobs that were mine, mop kitchen floors, laundry and dusting were mine from about age 15. I had to do them to get any pocket money.
He needs a reality check.
I taught my 11 year old this weekend how to properly scrub the shower and remove the limescalr from the door (its his en suite) and this is now one of his jobs.
He does moan but I have said do you think it is fair that I do all these things, for everyone. Or should we all have some jobs.
My friend has just given her 14 year old the bi weekly job of cleaning the skirting basr boards of their home.
Has he got clear jobs or is it all ad hoc, maybe give everyone some jobs suitable for their age and size, his will be bins for example.
Ita easier to comllete tasks when you know it is your task, clear boundaries and expectations.
Also I dont understand why the kids these days are so allergic to work, I cohld not wait to earn money, did all sorts of crappy and random jobs that I was rubbish at too, waitressing, glass collecting, next warehouse, phone shop, admin for local estate agent, double glazing sales, i went through a ton of random jobs while I was studying as I wanted cash to go out with my friends.
I wonder if because they dont go out as much the motivation isn't there to have 100 quid in your pocket for a saturday night. That was my key motivator at that age.

Boys do not take longer. They are just given more leeway and have fewer expectations placed on them. Because of patriarchy.

Good on you. And how do these young adults afford all these gadgets if they aren’t working? I’d love a PS5 but can’t justify buying one and I’m on a good wage!

If I had ever sworn at my parents it may very well have been the last thing I ever did!