To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

Ohrully?

https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1207156109

Not that one shipwreck over 100 years ago has anything to do with this discussion anyway.

His poor future wife

Most networks offer parental control blockers now so you can turn off specific electronics so the whole household isn’t cut off.

I'd be embarrassed to even think that males learn household skills slower than a female and I'm raising male Asian teenagers.

Tbh I’m mid 30s and no way am I doing work at 10am for minimum wage. Thats fine imo. Some people are just not suited to mornings. But then he has to get an afternoon/ evening job. Bar, restaurant, warehouse, whatever.

It's not work though it's chores.

I am talking about the job he lasted three weeks in.

So couple of questions? Is he lower or upper sixth? As in is he about to leave school this month? Does he have a plan for now or in a years time?

5 kids is a lot, I grew up in a large family too and if he's the eldest it can feel like you are always being asked to do something simply put, because you presumably never stop moving. It's worth considering however moody he is, are you the parent that is irritated whenever his ass sits down because you have so much to do?

Then, school holidays are coming. Reset opportunity time for the whole family.
Full list of household chores and days/times if relevant - points value and assigned by you [for the littlest] chosen by the oldest.
Then, within reason as soon as he's got his stuff done for you, he can consider himself off the hook to some extent. It drove me crackers that I could never say my work was done if I pulled my weight and my parents could give grief to my skiving sister so I wrote up a chores list and changed things.

If funds permit, extra non routine household jobs for cash are also an option. Maybe the fence needs painting this summer or whatever. It might inspire him to find some work locally cutting grass, or clearing gardens or whatever.

Turning off the wifi doesn't work as it punishes everyone unless you've got a pretty sophisticated set up. If he gets pocket money, its now coming a week in arrears. If everyone doesn't get out of their own way by 11am on Sat morning, it goes off until everyone is done.

Then there's also the conversation about drifting. You get the results you deserve - where does he want to be by next summer? A uni offer, an apprenticeship landed and a road to a life of his own. Or living with you in a far less comfortable way.

YES!

I wouldn’t kick him out but I’d go on strike and every time he asked why something wasn’t done, for wasn’t being cooked etc. I’d tell him I wasn’t his slave.

I think if you wanted him to help out around the house then you needed to consistently have that expectation since he was young. Suddenly expecting a teenager to behave in a different way to how you've brought them up just doesn't tend to work.

If you want him to do stuff now he's a teen the best thing is to get him doing things that benefit him/make him more independent. Making his own lunch, washing and drying his own clothes, washing his own dishes. He's then doing it for him and not being 'your slave'.

I can't tell but is he at school/college? If so I wouldn't be too concerned as long as he is keeping up with things there, that needs to be the priority IMO. If he's not then I'd be a lot more concerned about that than the fact he wouldn't put the bins out. I also think you have to remember that it wasn't his choice that you had 5 kids.

Turning off the wifi doesn't work as it punishes everyone unless you've got a pretty sophisticated set up

You just go into the route and see devices connected. You can just block certain ones.

Not hard nor a special set up.

So he ain't your slave, eh? Well you're not his either, as I hope you pointed out to him, so perhaps you need to implement a withdrawal of services. Stop paying for things, stop taking him anywhere, stop washing his stuff, stop buying him clothes, stop picking up after him (except to sling it in a black sack and put it on his bed). Who pays for his phone contract? Who pays for Sky, Netflix etc etc etc?

He doesn't know he's born, does he?

He's 17 for heavens sake. We've all got to start somewhere. I was stacking shelves or on the till at his age, weekend and holidays.

Yup I obviously live in 2025 and have multiple devices in various rooms. Ours is controlled so that I can block out individual devices, alter times and only allow certain ones to come on and blocking others.
I simplified it because one not everyone is tech minded but also if he’s staying up until the small hours it’s probably only him using it. If I didn’t want to it out down to a fine art the internet would be going off when I went to bed at 10.30 and not back on again until I wanted it.
Staying up gaming half the night means he’s unlikely to be able to get up, which is why he binned off the job that started at 10.30am

I do completely get and agree with what you’re saying for sure. I do however think there also is an innate need in the way my dc behaves. We lived at my FIL for a bit when she was 1 with barely any toys (long story terrible year 😂) but she always gravitated to the dolls, prams, kitchen at the children’s play centre i took her to in the day. As you say that could be because she more often than not sees mums out pushing babies in the street, but my husband is the cook in the house so it can’t solely be down to societal structures, I think there is still an innate background to it too. Obviously this is just a sample of one on my dc 😂

That's the problem though.
You can't answer & neither can the OP, that's why she's asking for help!

people think the baby years are hard, that's the easy bit!!

Yep change the wi fi code. Tell him you’ll give him the password when he can behave like a respectable human. Don’t give him money if you are!

Curious if you would instruct any girls or women with you to refuse the male hypothetical offer of a lifeboat place? What if it were a woman offering it to you?

Did you actually read the rest of my post? Because my point was that I would be happy to forgo exemptions based upon sex only in the case of a truly equitable society. Since we do not have that the point is moot.

The second any child of mine told me I was "chatting shit" that ps5, all the games, all the gadgets, his phone, his laptop, would all be on Facebook marketplace within the hour.

I did, twice. So it seems both/and rather than either/or?

My daughter will be just fine, thanks.

You enjoy being a victim the rest of your life.

I won't be engaging with you anymore.

You know you can just flounce off without needing to announce it. So dramatic.

So you’d rather no one disagreed with you? I can see why the military appeals.

That’s ‘chord’, by the way.