To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

My three boys never liked being asked to do jobs directly that needed instant attention.

We had SATURDAY jobs in my house. I gave them a written list and a time I wanted them done by.
WiFi would go off if list not completed by say 3pm.

Everyone had a job. There were no emotional negotiations/reactions.

They preferred to do job in their own time, and they always stuck to the boundary because of peer pressure and WiFi- devotion.

This with bells on!!

This.

There is zero excuse for boys to behave like lazy pigs. Despite the undercurrent of feminism on here, I see women still excusing all kinds of toxic behaviour by adult or almost adult sons that I can't imagine their daughters would get away with.

This is on your parenting. I have a 17 year old son, also in college. He's finished exams and only has a couple of days with events left for this term.

He sets his alarm for 6am every day. Gets up, cleans cat litter tray and dog poo picks in the garden. Makes us both breakfast while DH gets ready for work, and then he puts a load of laundry on. He helps me with the things I need for the morning - medication, back support etc, and then he'll usually bake a loaf of bread which he uses to make us lunch. He does other chores round the house, walks the dog, and spends some time gaming or drum practice. He'll cook his own tea as he's into the gym atm and doesn't eat what we do, put bins out if needed. He mows the lawn when it needs it, does gardening, and my favourite bit is at about midnight when he comes into my bedroom and wants a chat.

He's absolutely brilliant. But we've brought him up to respect his home and belongings, nurtured his cooking skills, and taught him how important it is to chip in with chores. The rest he chooses to do himself, and I'm really, really happy he's turned out like he has.

Revert to treating him like a 13yr old.... He wants money? Earn it. I worked during weekends and holidays so I could go to cinema etc. my mum paid general upkeep but if I wanted money then I had to do chores. No chores= no money to go out with friends

Boys are different. I don't understand why we've gone to completely denying biology. It doesn't give them a green card to behave like shits but there is a biological difference in rates of physical maturation and brain development which does have an impact.

A short, factual statement following a nasty comment about his child-male, not flouncing.
A fussy and incoherent rant about happily fighting a man for a lifeboat-female, embarrassing.

Yes, I'm sorry. There are biological differences, differences in development. My point wasn't that they don't exist but that they don't impact on this situation.

A toddler can be taught that we don't leave a mess, we tidy up after ourselves. Most parents would be having a conversation with their toddler if they spoke to a parent rudely.

An older male child can understand that they have certain responsibilities e.g. OP son is supposed to take the bins out.

If 17 years old is old enough to drive a car that could kill them or others used wrongly they are old enough to be expected to do simple tasks, communicate appropriately etc.

Not read full thread sorry, but for those saying “ my 9 year old does chores without complaint and it must be your fault”… yeah, so did mine. Then they hit 14 and somehow forgot everything they had supposedly learned. I have been at WAR with one of mine for YEARS over the issue of household responsibilities.
At 17 I expect own laundry done, rubbish taken out, washing up shared equally among family members, occasional cooking vacuuming own room and cleaning own toilet. To get this is a constant battle. I’m knackered with it all.
I keep trying, keep withholding money, lifts, trying the “ sit down and explain calmly” ( to which I get nodding and apologies and maybe 1 day of compliance before it all goes to shit again).
Part of the problem is that I don’t think ANY of their friends are expected to lift a finger. I guess their mums are not on mumsnet, hey.
So OP I feel your pain!

Internalised misogyny is so insidious.

Part of the problem is that I don’t think ANY of their friends are expected to lift a finger.

Yes and I get told this! "X's mum doesn't make her do anything!"

"Well I'm not X's mum and X will get a shock when she has to look after herself" I bore on like a stuck record.

Way to go, sadfeels!
"Man the lifeboats!" 😂😝😂

Cut off all non essentials. A ohone is not essential. PSY is non essential. Leave his laundry and leave cooking.
Hot water and a roof over his head is essential. All others he can fund and do himself.

Sounds like a normal teen to me

I am assuming you are a woman. I find it so interesting that you have called me names (fussy, incoherent) mocked me and said I am embarrassing for replying to a man’s assertion (on a women’s forum no less) that patriarchy has nothing to do with women’s oppression in the domestic sphere by providing literal evidence-informed rebuttals of all the ways that women continue to be oppressed.

I didn’t bring up the titanic, he did. A man telling a woman on a women’s forum that I shouldn’t worry about women’s oppression because at least in case of a disaster I might be saved above a man is a disgusting response. And the fact that other women still seem so utterly focused on male approval that they will take part in such behaviour is so disappointing. Do better.

Stop nagging but stop doing anything for him besides provide a roof over his head and food in the fridge. No money. No lifts. No new clothes. No niceties. No cooking for him. No doing his washing.

Yes, I am.
You made an unpleasant comment about a father's "poor daughters", and when he posted that he wasn't going to engage with you any further, you responded with:
You know you can just flounce off without needing to announce it.
This seems a bit rich, given your own extremely dramatic posts, i.e.
Hold the front page: we have a man who does domestic labour so patriarchy has nothing to do with women’s oppression. That’s us told.
I find it interesting that you resort to the straw man fallacy to attack that poster and me. He never made the claims that you falsely attribute to him, and I have not called you names. I have, however, accurately described your response as a fussy and incoherent rant.
I find it embarrassing that you wax lyrical about the patriarchy yet seem unwilling or perhaps unable to use language critically. There is no "we" and "us" and you do not speak for all women. Incidentally, I have zero interest in male approval. Or female.
Deconstruct that.

As DaisyChain said: "Change the wifi password and only give it out once set chores are done for the day. You son needs to remember that he is part of the household and needs to contribute towards it. Taking out bins, washing up, putting laundry away, hoovering etc are all basic jobs that he should be doing."
If he isn't/won't/doesn't see why he should, ask him a simple question: Why should you contribute nothing?"
Everyone has to live there, everyone has to be - and has a right to be - part of the family. But life and families and rights mean responsibilities both ways. If he doesn't want to be part of that, he can move out the day he's 18.

My brother didn’t do jack shit at home.
Either did my dad.
My dad mowed & edged the yard until my mum decided it was too hot for him to be doing it so she & I took over. I’d put on my shorts & a tank top and Mum would put on shorts & one of my halter tops and we’d go out in the morning before the heat set in.
One time, my dad’s two friends drove by - they didn’t even look in our direction and I had to tell Mum they’d driven by, as in “oh by the way, I saw…”
Somehow that turned into Mike and Jim drove by every Saturday looking for me (my mum) mowing the lawn.”
Never happened. I don’t know why she made that tall tale up. But she kept it up forever lol.
Anyhow, so my dad and brother didn’t do jack shit around the house.
And what they DID DO, we somehow managed to take it upon ourselves to do.
Why oh why do women do that to themselves?

And that was on top of my carrying top grades at school, representing an agricultural industry my senior year and working part time. It wasn’t as if I was looking for things to do.

*Mike and Jim are fictitious names

My apologies, @ChaosInCups2023
I got carried away thinking back about my own life.
Tell that kid ”It’s MY WAY or it’s the highway.”
If he doesn’t shape up take one thing away at a time.
First, take away the clean clothes & sheets
2nd, take away access to all snacks & drinks
3rd, take away access to wifi
4th, take away his access to his bedroom via padlock
5th, take away his access to meals

I doubt you’ll need the 5th, but you know what they say about desperate times.
Look upon this as a game - because your son is.

Speak for yourself.

I was never like this woman’s son.
As a matter of fact, not only did I contribute quite a lot at home, but at 17 I represented an entire agricultural industry for a year and pulled down perfect grades.
That was “normal” for me.
And I got along with my parents beautifully - did I tell them about all the mischief I got into? No, but I wasn’t careless either.

Stop doing everything for him
No laundry. No cooking. No wifi code.
You arent his slave !

ZOMBIE

WHY would you revive a thread from June. Thst the OP NEVER ONCE returned to?

He has to earn the WiFi password with chores and it’s off at bedtime

Maybe I'm female and did not help around the house at this age. I would clean my own room maybe once a month. I only learned to do it once I got my own place, and it took me years to learn how to actually keep it clean and tidy every day.

OP I think you should tell your son that you do everything else and all you ask of him is taking out bins etc, but I do think you have gone too far implying he should leave