To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

Don't forget marital rape being legal too!

Ahhhh, the good old days when women were just so privileged. 🙄

I despair sometimes.

Boys just take a bit longer.

Only if they are infantilised.

I can't imagine any circumstances in which I'd kick my (then) 17 year old out. What I would do is remove all the creature comforts: the PS5, the phone (which I assume you're paying the bill on), disable the wi-fi when you're not using it, don't buy in his favourite foods etc. He'll soon get the message.

17 is young, it isn't a child though, he needs a bit of a wake up call or he'll still be sitting on his arse in 10 years playing video games and still expect you to be looking after him. He's a young man and should be acting as such. He need to get a job for a start.

@ChaosInCups2023 I would do what this poster says. I would also sit him down and say that you are not his slave either and that until he starts to show you some respect and also starts to contribute to the normal domestic chores which he partly also contributes to needing done, that's the way it is going to be. Don't give him money either, for any non-essentials, like going out with his mates, or for his phone contract

Telling him that if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to move out is not unreasonable and is not the same as actually throwing him out.

Stick to not doing things for him and he will learn.

And if you give him lifts anywhere, stop those, too.

Change WiFi password. He only gets it when he starts helping out in the household he lives in.
No financial support (beyond absolutely essentials like travel to college), again, until he starts helping out, without any attitude. Still if he does start helping out, only give him very little- if he wants more he needs to stick to a job.

A proper conversation is needed about how he needs to not be entitled, misogynistic and lazy help out with chores around the house and it’s time to grow up.

You're obviously not going to expect him to move out yet when he has no means to support himself, so don’t give empty consequences. But you can stop giving him money, providing internet, and teach him how to cook his own food.

This.

That will get his attention.

I was living on my own in London (60 miles away from my parents) with a full time job at 16. I'm 71 now and things have certainly changed since 1970. Your son needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and his future. He's still acting like a child. That will have to stop. Are any of his friends more mature than he is and might influence him to realise he needs to grow up now?

All this!! Remove the home comforts and if he wants his washing doing either he does it with lessons from you or he does other chores in exchange to help out.
Never too young or old to learn independence, improve his attitude and respect other people.

I lived completely alone from 17, boys who are trained to be useless and waited on take longer. Boys who have been raised to contribute to family life don’t.

Men are so funny about the rules they imposed on themselves! Suggesting somehow it’s our fault or comparable to the rules they’ve imposed on us.

Same (on a less life-and-death issue) as “oh men have to wear suits all summer” - well women never told you to!

Next time he says he "ain't your slave" you can tell him you "ain't his free service provider" and cut the comms.

He's getting close to being an adult and he needs to get the message that being an adult is about making a contribution, not just doing what you want all the time.

Because if he moves out, he's going to find life is a whole lot harder that sitting around doing what he wants all the time.

My three sons all had weekend and holiday jobs at 16. I had to chauffeur because living rurally no other way to get to work. Two worked in hospitality, one farming. They always had money. Revision, studying was an issue so no phones. Even now youngest doing his masters hands his phone over to his partner, he's 23 and knows his weaknesses

You need some tough love. Stop enabling his shitty behaviour. Yes he might be an immature teenage boy but he does not get to be abusive to you. I would not tolerate this.

I would be very clear on house rules and expectations. Assuming you still take him places, fund his lifetstyle, pay for his phone/wifi, do his laundry, cook and pay for his food etc., then these come on the condition that he does X/Y/Z. If he is not prepared to do that then this needs to become self-funding and he needs to get a job and become more self-sufficient. Don't pander to him. Don't make it emotional. Keep it matter of fact. Society relies on us all (the majority at least) contributing and being respectful. He needs to learn this.

Well, there is a difference between men and women. In the event of another Titanic, I hope most men would invariably make sure women and children were first in the lifeboats. I find that noble and a reflection of the fact that mothers and children should be protected. Of course, other women would, I hope, give up their place for mothers and children as well. Doesn't mean boys are incapable of learning how to run a home, or girls from building a fence. Or that a man isn't allowed to join a discussion without being a female victim mentality pile on!

Boys aren't different, some people's expectations of boys are different.

Family conference round the table time.

Don't just direct at him. Talk to all the DCs and go over basic expectations, behaviours, chores etc. If they do support the family then that's great and they can continue with their WIFI, phones being paid for, bus fares and whatever else they need. If they choose to 'chat shit' and not contribute then they can expect not to have their phone contract, bus fares, money for clothes or whatever else.

At 17, you cannot make him to anything sadly. He has to want to do it. If he doesn't do it and continues to disrespect you then yep he needs to find an alternative place to stay. I feel for you OP it's bloody hard!

I have a 17 yr old. If he spoke to me like that, he would be in so much trouble. And I don’t do punishments etc. We’ve been gentle parenting since before it was a thing, but talk to me like that?! I think the gentle parenting would go right out the window.

My first thought is be careful. I wouldn’t ever want my kids to feel they don’t have a place to be at home or I wanted them out. Think about what this might do to your relationship and what it will do to his life going forward.

However, he isn’t being responsible. I think a serious sit down and clearly lay out how you are feeling and what is expected is needed. A clear you need to take responsibility too so that he understands his pet is needed. He has been allowed to coast for too long.

Tell him you're not his slave either and why should you do everything around the house. That he lives in, eats at, uses clothes, electricity. You need to ask him how does he think he's going to last in the real world as no partner, man or woman want a slob to live with. Say to him his attitude is going to get a shock when he gets to the real world and have to do things and earn money. People aren't going to accept his behaviour did you make him do chores growing up?

Say to him if you don't want me nagging, I'm going to put a chore chart on the wall for us all to do a bit each week. Get the youngest involved too, do no favours not getting them to do things as well. Tell him to check it and he has to do his bit. Or the ps will be thrown out and the Internet turned off. Tell him to put a reminder in his phone however many times a week to check it so he knows what to do. Ask him to help you put one together.

Get tough woman!

You must have been tolerating this kind of behaviour for a long while to get to this. He has zero respect for you. You need to establish firm boundaries, which admittedly is much harder at this age. Is he absorbing misogynistic content whilst gaming?

Don’t parents of boys think of the kind of man their son will be, when parenting? As a woman, would you want to marry a man who doesn’t contribute to the household/family life? Where is his dad? The effect of a father’s discipline will help you establish these boundaries too.

2025 and people still excusing men and saying boys take longer. I hope you all don’t have daughters although expect if you do they are ‘good girls’ and trained in all things girly like cooking and cleaning.

Anyway I would be having a field day with the ‘ain’t your slave’ comment and he wouldn’t know what had hit him. Start with no more financial help, not cooking meals and doing laundry and take it from
there. When I was young it was normal for people to finish school at 16 and leave home. How did they all cope?!!!

I would take away all maid services and access to meals on the understanding that this is a transactional agreement in which you work together. You're cracking down because he's at all age now where it's important that neither one of you becomes the slave of the other. He can't be allowed to stay in the family home and behave abusively to you.

At the same time I would be looking into making sure he had goals that he's wanting to work towards and that there are no underlying issues that could be treated by trauma therapy or medication. Also family therapy as understandably the chances are your tone conveys the expectation that he will fail which can be very hard to go against.

OP this should have been instilled a while ago. My 5 year old helps with the recycling and the rubbish.
She is also pretty good at tidying up. We do get protests but I also explain I don’t love tidying up etc but we don’t want things to get lost or hoovered up!

My 10 year old niece also has age appropriate chores and can cook basic meals.

I’ve had a job since I got my NI number and paid my way, it wasn’t even discussed with my parents, I wanted my independence!
my sister was the same.

I don’t agree with boys take a bit longer, my husband (now 35) had a job from the age of 13 (when I met him), knew how to cook and iron etc as a young teen.

I would do a silent retreat….and have a discussion about being a member of the household.