To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

What pocket money do you give? Because I wouldn’t be keen on giving spending money to someone who spoke to me like that and treated the house like shit.

My kid tells me his extending his childhood and enjoying it. He’s like this but he is not an arsehole. If he don’t bring his dishes down his dinner is left in the saucepans. If he gave me shite talk like that his game wifi would be off. He is still a kid at the en d of the day and whilst he’s in your house he needs to respect you. My kid has to come off his gaming when I go bed. My house my rules within reason.

I don’t know about this. My dc2 is always cleaning. We have a cleaner so I don’t do that much at home especially when I’m with dc so she’s not copying me.

Yeah but in the unlikely event you and I are on the Titanic you get in a life boat and I don't.

What a load of sexist bullshit. Boys are only different if they’ve been brought up by parents who have enabled them or conditioned them to be different. Having a penis does not prevent someone from doing chores around the house.

OP I think to threaten to throw him out is a bit extreme! Basically would suggest what others have:

• stop doing things for him
• stop his money
• take away the PS5
• change the wifi password

But most of all sit him down and tell him that things have to change, and you won’t accept being spoken to the way he did.

I remember one day in 2008 when I was on the trampoline seeing my brothers X box flying out the window and my mum screaming something about how she was “fucking sick of it”. I don’t think you should throw it out the window, but you should turn off the WiFi or take it off him.

While I don’t think you should kick him out (I’m sure it’s bloody tempting), make it clear that he needs to change his behaviour or move out. If he chooses to move out stop doing things for him, and nag him about finding accommodation everyday. If he wants to be independent that starts at home. No making him dinner, no washing his clothes, no nothing.

At 17 he is old enough to take care of himself. Many students leave home at 17 to go to college/uni. They survive.
I think I would sit him down and tell him that I took on board what he said this morning and that guess what - I'm not a slave either.
I would then stop doing anything for him. No cooking, no cleaning or laundry. I wouldn't give him any money. I wouldn't change the WiFi password just now as he is at 6th form.
I would tell him that until he shows some respect and starts pulling his weight that this is how it will be. If he refuses to treat you with the respect you deserve as his parent then you stop treating him like a child.
It will be horrible for a while but it sounds horrendous living with him anyway.

I’d be seriously worried if my 18-year old son couldn’t even find the laundry basket. Because he is a boy (man). Not good.

Also not good having a parent who makes excuses for it.

The gaming should be the first thing to go

He needs more structure.

I do think, on average, boys are a little differernt than girls, but that does not mean they will be layabouts until they are 26. Alexander the Great set his sights on conquering the world at 17 and got down to it.

Three things strike me - his life is pretty easy because you are doing and providing everything, he may well be a gaming addict if only at a low level, and he was completely, unacceptably rude to you.

And don't discount the gaming element. It's designed to be addictive in the same way gambling machines are addictive, and the effect on motivation for boys in particular is massive. One of the things I've noticed in particular is that for a lot of boys, interest in girls in a big motivator to make something of themselves, and it seems like gaming kind of suppresses that somehow.

At a minimum I'd stop the access to gaming and his phone until he is stepping up around the house. So - keeping his space reasonably tidy, doing his own laundry, some chores like taking out the bins. My inclination would be to have him pay for these things himself, which will give him reason to get back to working.

Does he have any interests other than gaming? Lean into those if possible too.

Tbh I'd expect a teen to laze about so I wouldn't be fussed about some things but, the way he spoke to you! Nah. He can do everything himself now. Don't ever do his washing or any extra cooking if he doesn't want what the dinner for everyone is. Don't buy anything for him but the bare essentials. Don't give pocket money.

Just show him how to work the machine and tell him you expect him to clean up after himself and hoover his room once a week.

Tell him if he's still there in 1 year, the rent will be £350 pcm, so he better start saving. Would be wise for him to find part time work and build it up at the ready.

Basically outline what you expect, what changes there will be on your end and let him decide how to step up.

So you are referring to a time when women couldn't vote, many weren't allowed to work or could only work certain jobs, needed their husbands approval and were totally dependent on men?

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave”

How the hell did it get to this point OP?

What are you going to do about it? This is not an average normal 18-year old.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours

He sounds very immature, self-centred and cocky. He’s tired because he’s out late with his mates. Tell him that the next time he starts whinging that he’s tired. Stop doing his laundry and stop getting his breakfast and lunch if you’re doing that. Stop making him drinks. When he complains he has no clean clothes to wear, just tell him you “ain’t his slave”.

When I was 17 I was kicked out of college, dossing about on the dole. But I did buy and cook my own food and do my own cleaning/laundry!

I honestly don't think you really want him out of the house. It's more he needs to start being more mature. Does he actually like his courses? Would he switch to an FE college, or do an apprenticeship? It's best to try and have a calm sensible convo about how he sees his life moving forward.

By 18 I was working full time and grew up pretty damned quick, being around people in their mid to late 30s will do that to you!

I wish him and you the best. X

You are 💯 right. I have a son and a daughter and I promised myself I would not do what the Irish generations before me did and make girls do all the housework and let boys sit on their arse being attended too.

baseline....he's leaving home....bye bye. Not for the laziness but for his rudeness to you.

Τhis, this, this!

That rule was first uttered by a man (you can look it up!) and then continued by men.

This is just like when men bemoan that women haven’t historically fought in Wars - that was because men wouldn’t allow it, or that men gave women the vote so we should be thankful - it was men who denied us in the first place, men didn’t give us the vote, WE took it back.

Lolololol.

OK some of this was on another thread the other day. Up until the age of 18 you are legally required to provide for your child. So threats to chuck him out before then are empty. He wouldn't be able to access any benefits or housing. (OK in some circumstances he could be taken into care, but do you really want to go down that path?).

Sit down with him and calmly explain that living in a home should mean everyone pulling their weight in proportion to their age and ability. Tell him that if he wants to leave at 18 then so be it, but it would be in his interest to achieve some domestic skills.

sit down with him and make it clear what he needs to do to contribute to the household. tell him if he wants money he needs to get a job and earn it. if he wants money from you, he needs to pull his weight and do his chores.

also discuss with him how the real world works, and that a lot of jobs are 9-5 or earlier, and he needs to get used to that.

you need to stop buying and doing for him, so that he starts to grow up. he needs to learn respect and how a household functions.

DD is 17, looking for both paid and voluntary roles for the summer, and at home she does the dishwasher, takes the laundry to the machine, and sometimes puts the bin out, or get the recycling together. Not a huge list, as she is out of the house for nearly 12 hours, 4 days a week.

But she understands that if you want something, you earn it.

It's not a boy thing, my son is 18 and he would never behave like this, and neither would any of his friends! It is purely a personality thing. My son chose to help with all of our gardening from the age of 15. He had a part time job pot washing during his A-levels (if your son hates early mornings, that would be something he might like better as midday was always the early start in that job!). Now he pays £300 a month rent, works full time with 6.45am starts, and still chooses to help with the gardening.

If he was rude and lazy we wouldn't have him at home, he has much younger siblings, and as such needs to set a good example. I think your son needs to realise that there will be consequences if he keeps treating everyone as he currently is and doesn't make any effort. If you have other kids too then his attitude will start to rub off on them.

That lack of respect for you doesn’t magically develop over night.

Why have you let him get to 17 without dealing with this behaviour? As a parent you are responsible for the upbringing of your child so from an early age he should have been taught what is expected of him. All 3 of mine have had always had tasks to do around the house and been taught to make meals so that they would be self sufficient. Once at uni they realised how useful all this was as most of their friends had no idea about cooking or in some cases dealing with their own laundry.

yep - there is the door if you think Im chatting shit - you don't need to stay living at home. Being as you know so much of you go son, don't let the door hit you on the arse as you exit right.

if he decides to stay, then he lives by your rules and

I'd also not be his slave in the kitchen or in the laundry department, if you get my drift - he is an adult human and can arrange his own laundry and cooking