To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

Not setting myself up as a model parent here as I struggle a lot with my very difficult, stroppy teen, but when she's vile to me I try to stay calm but services will be withdrawn on the basis of her behaviour. Internet goes off (though I realise that's harder if there are siblings around), I can also control her phone so it shuts down and she can only text me and her dad. I will not do her washing if she is rude and demanding about it. Rude and horrible - no lifts that day. Rude about my food and cooking - she can cook for herself. For really bad behaviour - grounded for rest of day by physically locking flat door. She can generally reverse these things by doing some chores set by me, though usually prefers to just sulk, but if it's really important to her she will do bins or dishes to get what she wants back. This has the advantage that she learns to do chores - she's quite a good cook now!

If she gives me lip and refuses to do tasks I point out I'm not her slave either and expect respect if she wants me to do things for her. (I do shop and make sure we have everything she needs in - so she wouldn't actually be left without food, laundry stuff etc but I'm not skivvying for someone who's just sworn at me.)

This only has a very small/slow effect on actually making her more respectful and better behaved and we're working on that (I do also praise the positive a lot, chat, spend quality time with her, give her attention etc), but I think it's important to make clear it's not OK and there are consequences. Even if there's no discernible effect in the short term - because it's better than giving up and acting like this behaviour is just something you'll put up with.

(FWIW my older DS was much less like this as a teen and would do chores happily.)

Kid's being a slob. Let's teach him to kill people. That'll help.

You must have been tolerating this kind of behaviour for a long while to get to this.

I'm not sure this is always true. I've always, always set boundaries and been clear about what's expected and followed through with consequences. (Far more so than many of my more attachment/permissive parenting friends). DD has always, always kicked against expectations and being told what to do. Now she's a teenager it's ramped up. My two DC are very different but have been brought up the same.

This is very good advice. Especially the first line.

You do know there are all sorts of roles in the army.

Turn off the wifi/change the password? Do you people live in 2025? There are so many devices in my house linked to the wifi it takes about an hour to reset everything when we have to change or reset it for some reason.

But in this situation I would be confiscating the PS5, and possibly his phone and making it clear what my expectations are for him. Only when he bucks his ideas up does he get them back. Or he can go get a job and pay for his own phone/PS5.

If he's going to behave like a child treat him like one. No phones upstairs or at the table. No gaming. Parental controls on the phone. Bedtime blocker. You get to look at his search history. If he doesn't like it he has no phone.

If he starts acting like an adult you treat him like one.

There are all sorts of roles everywhere.

Seems a bit extreme to kick him out. He lives in your house and can't afford to buy his own deodorant; I'm guessing you do a LOT for him, including paying for stuff, some cooking and cleaning which partially benefits him, providing basic home comforts, driving him places, etc. Sit down with him when you have time and private and are both calm and sober. If his other parent lives with you, get them onside and with you for this conversation and present a united front now and going forward.

Tell your son you were surprised by his comments about taking out the bins and ask him to elaborate. Then tell him that his doing small and reasonable chores in reasonable time frames without being outrageously rude to his parents or siblings is his contribution to the household from which he benefits. Tell him what his chores are and when you expect them done and what the consequences are for not doing them. Listen to any reasons he gives you why he can't do them and make adjustments if warranted. Make sure everyone understands what's been agreed before you end the conversation. Then impose the consequences if he fails to do the chores without a good reason. How you want to deal with the rudeness, if it continues, is up to you. Obviously, set the same rules and expectations for the other children in the household, adjusted to be age appropriate.

I know.
You dont have to take it personally it is just a comment.

Mother of 3 grown up sons here. You have gradually let your son GET AWAY WITH MURDER. He has developed into an entitled baby who wants the home comforts but doesn't want to share the work. I bet you still do his ironing (please say I'm wrong!) My sons and daughter all shared in housework, and they all did their own ironing from age 14 (one boy never ironed a thing, his choice!) I would certainly not be giving him an allowance of any kind until you both trash out a contract that you both sign. You'll pay him £20 pw if he changes his bed, hoovers and tidies his room, does his washing every week and also does 2 general household tasks (the bins, daily empties the dishwasher). If he doesn't want the cash then he can get a job. If he flounces off to sofa surf it won't last. There's nothing as comfy & cushy as life at home with a living mum.

That I'm disagreeing with you doesn't mean I'm taking it 'personally'. I'm just suggesting that your suggestion doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

How would you suggest I disagree with you impersonally?

I would never threaten to throw my child out. Words like that can stick and cause harm or resentment.

Mine is 16 and yes they can be a bit annoying but that’s teenagers for you.

I would have gone absolutely apeshit at the "ain't my slave" comment.

I think it would be completely fair to tell him he needs to either pull his weight around the house or move out. Sit down with him and agree what he's going to do from now on to contribute towards the household. If he can't give you that basic level of respect, tell him you will no longer be doing anything for him at all.

Sounds reasonable, I'd moved out and had about 4 part time jobs at 17 - in addition to school and lots of parties because I was the only one of my peer group to have my own flat.
Confused the hell out of school when I returned letters to my parents sent to my address.

Different roles in the army not all of it is about guns.
You keep quoting me so i guess it struck a cord as its not that deep.

We divvy up tasks (myself and 2 DS)

If you make dinner for everyone, you don't have to set, clear or stack the dishwasher. The others eating have to do that.
If you don't do it, you don't get fed. Simple as that.
If you don't put your clothes in the laundry basket they don't get washed. If you put a wash on, you don't have to hang it out. If you hang it out, someone else has to take it off and divide into piles for owners. If that doesnt get done then your clothes wont be washed next time.

The 2 DS keep each other in check, so they will say, I did xx so your turn to do yy. So that helps and I don't need to nag. They also know I'm serious and I will not go into rooms and find dirty clothes etc so then they are simply annoyed when their stuff isn't clean when they want it so they soon learn what works.

The first thing I would do is limit his access to the internet by turning it off and changing the password.
If he wants to be a bum, it’s not great but he’s still not fully cooked yet so I would t throw him out/tell him to leave but you can stop making life quite as comfy.
When my children moan about life/limited access to family resources they are told when they contribute they can moan as much as they like but as I’m the one paying the internet, phones etc I can dictate the terms of usage 😂

It’s interesting how people say “it’s just boys” when a teenage girl (and the mother!) would be absolutely flamed for this.

@ChaosInCups2023 I have a DD so not the same but she was quite difficult for a while and didn’t help at all around the house (still barely does but it’s better and she does have a lot on her plate now). Creating a rota was honestly the best thing I could have done, maybe give it a try with yours?

Okay that might be the best response I have ever had from a man when talking about patriarchy and women’s oppression. I actually laughed out loud. I would genuinely prefer to have the option to risk death on the Titanic than spend a lifetime experiencing sexual assault, harassment, violence, less pay, poorer working conditions, lack of applicable medical research, less access to resources, gaslighting by medical professionals, and on average doing significantly more domestic labour and caring labour.

So bring on the lifeboats and I’m happy to fight you for one. Your poor daughters.

In our house the PS5 would have been removed until he learnt to speak to me with basic respect.

It’s so ridiculous how many parents sleep walk towards having spoilt, selfish, lazy, entitled teenager/young adults and then wake up one day and are surprised and outraged that they’re reaping what they’ve sown.

Your 17 year old didn’t become like this overnight. Youve failed to teach him responsibly, community spirit, respect and consequences etc. That doesn’t mean that threatening him with moving out as a 17 year old child is the answer.

He should have been doing chores and tidying/cleaning/cooking/laundry/walking the dog/taking the bins out/painting the fence/mowing the lawn etc etc for yeats already. Not all of it obviously, but children should learn how much is involved in running a household (age appropriately).

Not just get a sharp shock when they’re kicked out for being the person they’ve slowly been allowed to become.

Do you think it's reasonable to kick a 17 year old out for one instance of rudeness?

Do you actually think that there would be a good outcome from that action? Either for the unemployed child on the streets or for his relationship with his parents?

Don't post nonsense.

No boys are not different, sexist expectations of boys and girls are different.

Nor can they force the Army to accept him!

It’s about societal structure, not individual circumstances. Young girls are constantly bombarded with information about what being a girl/woman entails from the moment they are born (as are boys). And the differences are stark. We literally train girls to become carers by giving them dolls to look after, and prams to push them. Most activities that are traditionally female-oriented take place in the home and indoors, while boys spend more time out of the house. Is your cleaner female? How many male primary school teachers are there? And so on and on and on. This isn’t about individual experiences but about societal structures. If we don’t continue to train 50% of the population to look after all the rest then who will do it? It’s insidious.