To tell my 17yo he needs to get a grip or move out?

[ChaosInCups2023]

Right so probs gonna get flamed but idc. My eldest is 17, still at home obvs, doing 6th form (just about), always moaning he’s skint, tired, can’t be arsed etc. Basic teen stuff I get it. But it’s getting silly now.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” 🙄 He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

He got a part time job in Feb, sacked off after 3 weeks cos it was “too early” (it was 10am starts??). Keeps going on about wanting to move out but can’t even buy his own deodorant.

I said today if you don’t wanna live here by house rules, no one’s stopping you from going. Not chucking him out but I’m fuming tbh.

AIBU to say it like that? I feel mean now cos I know he’s still a kid in some ways but I’m at the end of my rope and got 4 others to deal with and no time for this strop nonsense.

Be honest.

Ha behaviour is completely out of order but no I would not throw him out or even threaten it.

I’d sit him down and tell him very calmly that he is part of the household and is expected to do X, Y and Z each day. If he doesn’t you will stop buying food and cooking for him, stop doing any laundry, stop giving him any money etc etc etc.

Write the jobs list down and stick it on the fridge so he has absolutely no excuse for not doing them.

Army.

And I agree with others, the swearing is absolutely not on. DD1 swore at me once when she was 14. She never did it again- I calmed down then spoke to her, said that swearing at me or anyone was totally unacceptable and if she did it again she’d have X, Y and z consequences. (IIRC it was stopping pocket money, stopping lifts etc etc)

He definitely needs to be more respectful, but yeah you're unreasonable for threatening to kick a 17 year old out of home...

I agree with other users, OP; Change the WIFI, stop cleaning up after him. He'll soon start being nicer once the balance of power has shifted. When he's back in a more receptive place, I'd raise that he needs to get a job, because you are not funding his lifestyle.

I wouldn’t kick him out as he’s still a child.

I would be putting in place firm consequences for disrespecting you and for not doing his chores/ staying out all hours -

1. The PS5 is taken away until he earns the right to use it
2. The WIFI goes off, or he doesn’t get the password if you need to use it
3. He doesn’t get whatever pocket money he usually does until he learns respect for the person providing it, ie you

I don’t think parents can force their children to enlist!

Exactly.

The "boys are different" bullshit makes me sick.

It's just allowing useless boys to turn into useless men and passing on that burden to their future wives, rather than being an active parent without misogynistic ideas.

There's a reason women joke about having to "grow up" or train their husbands when they first get together, and it isn't funny.

Both their mothers AND their fathers have failed them.

Pandering to our patriarchal society that pushes women down through things like expectations to do all the household tasks only makes the cycle continue.

You have to nip this stuff, the attitude as soon as it emerges as soon as they start thinking they don't have to xyz.
This doesn't mean screaming and shouting at them but a very frank non sugar coated word with them about expectations and very clear and inconvenient consequences is needed.

Maybe in the past but my DS and DD are going to be treated equally on that front.

I certainly was never indulged as a boy. I was doing more housework and cleaning than my parents and 3 siblings.

Now a decade on my house is clean and tidy, theirs looks like a crack den.

Both my sisters moved out in their teens, me in my 20s and my brother in his 30s. It's got nothing to do with patriarchy and all to do becoming independent when you are ready. Although I could run a household from about 20YO I was at uni part time, doing 2 jobs, social life etc so it just wasn't suitable.

It all changed when I met my wife and we wanted to buy a house and get married. Best decision ever.

Op wasn't treating to throw him out just pointing out he can leave if he wants to ut it's also very obvious that he doesn't have anywhere better to fuck off to so maybe he should be a bit more well behaved and appreciate what he does have.

Absolutely. On a related note, I also find it interesting just how many men remain at home with their parents until their first significant relationship at which point they move in with a partner. Most women I know move out in their late teens/early twenties and do the whole house share thing while most men I know simply move from their parents’ house to living with their fiancée or wife. And at that point the woman realises she has hitched herself to a child.

I think at this point tough love is the only way to go? If he moves out then he'll be forced to learn the things he didn't up til now...

I think YABU, simply because empty threats are not going to work, and will only make him disrespect and tune you out more.

YANBU to be mightily pissed off though. You need a more effective way to lay the law down, and that is not easy. I really feel it's mainly attitude rather than what he physically does to help. Mine do far too little but they get away with it by being appreciative and doing a bit when asked.

I don’t totally agree with the boy take on this, as a 17yo yes I had a pt job but other than that had everything handed to me and would just about clean my room every few weeks, a lot of my friends were similar. I only learned everything when I had moved out early twenties and even then it took a while before I wasn’t living on processed crap and cereal! While yes something needs to change, the ‘I ran a house when I was 5 years old’ that you hear on mn does make me make a face sometimes- I think more of us were entitled teenagers!

I'm just trying to imagine speaking to my parents that way. They would not have accepted that.

What is he getting up to out with his mates at all hours

This! So depressing.

The Army won't want him & how the hell is she supposed to monitor what he watches onlin?

I can't properly answer either point, I'm afraid ... I'm not connected to the military, I just know a few ex-military, some of whom report it was the making of them. The adverts also suggest it might work for some.
With regard to his online habits, again, I don't know, but communication about it can start by simply asking him if he's watching any such idiocy (by the name we all know, I refuse to use his name) - The OP's son's "not your slave" comment made me think of that as a possibility.

Hold the front page: we have a man who does domestic labour so patriarchy has nothing to do with women’s oppression. That’s us told.

He had a row with me this morning cos I asked him to take the bins out and he said I’m “chatting shit” and he “ain’t my slave” He does NOTHING round the house unless I nag like mad. Always glued to that bloody PS5 or out with his mates til all hours.

It doesn't get to this point without a parent being part of the problem. This is why threatening to chuck him out isn't much of a solution. It's actually an abdication of responsibility.

My ten year old is expected to do a few chores around the house if asked. It's part of being a household and working together and supporting each other. If he's seeing it as being told to do something like a slave there's your issue: he doesn't see or understand that he has a role supporting and contributing to family life. If he doesn't want to take responsibility then he will be treated accordingly. You shouldn't have to nag. It should be a case of as long as you do what is expected of you, you can have x, y or z. If you fail to take responsibility you will lose x, y or z without warning.

That's the WiFi, the PS5, that paying for phone. Then he can complain about being skint. He doesn't get his food cooked for him. He doesn't get his washing done for him. Because you arent HIS slave and if it's going to be an anti-slavery household ALL forms of servitude are going to be abolished.

Don't be his punching bag. Respect is not freely given, it's early and he's behaving like a child.

EXACTLY. It puzzles me how we go from 'teenage girls are more mature than boys' to later 'women at work need to work up more confidence etc if they want to progress the same as men and earn the same'. It's sickening.

Oh aren't you a delight. I don't even know where to start. You are mansplaining about patriarchy as someone who benefits from patriarchy to others who are at a disadvantage because of patriarchy.

Do you also have an opinion on periods?

And the sad thing is, a lot of women unconsciously repeat these things. They don't realise the damage they are reinforcing for both themselves and other women.

Society has done a damn good job at giving us varying degrees of Stockholm Syndrome (with a sprinkle of brainwashing) to the patriarchy lol

(not really a laughing matter, but you've got to sometimes).