To be irked by this message from my 18 year old?

[feedmefudge]

We’re not getting on so well at the moment. Usually we’re pretty close and have a good relationship. She’s great! However she is incapable of reflecting on her own behaviour and admitting any wrongdoing (her behaviour is actually fine; it’s more that she has an entitled attitude). Anyway, here’s the annoying and rather patronising message, which was sent to me and her younger sister:

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Me - ‘I’m not a child. I think you can trust me to hold myself back from your Waitrose food.’

It’s irritating because her father and I divorced years ago, and he has taken her for food for my house. I don’t shop in Waitrose but will generally bring home anything that she wants if she’s cooking for herself, plus I do a weekly Tesco shop. So it’s not like the poor love is starving!
Also, ex husband will be loving it that we’re not getting on as well as usual.

Daughter has told me that my reaction to her Waitrose text wasn’t normal. And I’m just so fucking tired of it all. Raising teenage daughters on my own is genuinely the hardest thing I have had to do (obviously the Waitrose text on its own isn’t a big deal, but small issues can sometimes tip you over as they’re often part of a bigger picture).
I’m also menopausal and really feeling it tonight. Some kindness would be appreciated, even if I am just a horrible mum! 😆

You're not horrible. My hackles would be up at that tone of message, unless there's some back story of you or her sister eating her special treat foods or her Easter eggs or something like that. I'd also not be inclined to get her things she wants specially in your next shop. She's 18, she'll have to learn to treat housemates respectfully in the not too distant future.

Well, her message wasn't particularly polite, but I don't think I would have replied the way you did. I would have just put OK or whatever.

Have people got form for eating food she bought?

No you're not wrong,.she worded it very rudely "do not eat, I will know if you have" is pretty rude.
We don't really do "this is mine and only for me" in our house, but she could have worded it better "hey just letting you know that I've done a shop, but it's to last me the week so please don't eat it" would be a bit more polite. If your ex is purposely doing it to annoy you though, id just try not to have any reaction and just say "ok"

That's exactly my teenage daughter, although she's 15. Exactly as you describe and she would (and does occasionally) send the same messages about food, they're territorial about food. Especially "nice" food.

I find it amusing, she's putting a public service announcement out that she has some nice food that she doesn't want pinched. But I do know when you're feeling sensitive/hormonal this does not land well.

To be honest I'd probably wind her up and reply tomorrow saying oops just seen your message, I've eaten it sorry.

It's clear that there is a very firm disconnect with her arranging all her own food. Coupled with your requirement for her to reflect/ admit wrongdoing, I suspect there is some back story of cross words over food or other contributions that you didn't add here, but it's relevant. If you're feeling hurt, then you need to firstly admit it to yourself and then secondly work out how to follow up without turning it into anger and arguments. I do think your response was more rude than her original message, and she is likely to see the anger that she hasn't apologised rather than the upset you feel that triggered you to lash out. Is there a reason she isn't able to live with dad, as it sounds very fraught for all of you?

I'd have said, "great thanks for letting me know, don't worry about your sister and me I'll make sure I pick up some lovely extra things for us". I'd then let her know the things that are separate to be fair.
I'd make the point that as she's not sharing she cannot ask for her sister's food either.
Sometimes not disagreeing when someone wants you to (sidestepping with something they cannot disagree back against) stops them in their tracks.

Her dad can provide all her food if they like - easier for you!

I would have just done a thumbs up to the message. If the dad is buying her food then it’s saving you money so I would just silently roll your eyes about her teenage attitude and think oh well at least I just saved £100 or however much feeding her this week.

My ex husband and father of my children thinks I’m scum even though I have literally never treated him badly and I have been the best mum I can be. He has behaved terribly but I try to remain civil but he is just rude and slags me off to the kids. My point being ex’s will think what they think even if it’s completely unjustified so who cares if she has told him she doesn’t have nice food at your house. Actually my son has a coffee machine from his dad and the condition was it had to stay in his room so I can’t use it. I don’t even like coffee. Ignore, ignore, ignore is the way forward.
Her message was rude but you could have either done the thumbs up or just said ok.

Just try and drop it tomorrow and move on. Teenagers are draining and you need to pick your battles. Chat to her about something else.
Or what I do with mine sometimes is take them to the pub just for a Coke to get out of the house. Eg say I need to get out of the house do you mind coming to the pub with me for a drink. If she says no fine but it does wonders. Then we have a little chat about rubbish really and any little annoyances don’t seem important.

I think this was the perfect opportunity for a thumbs up response. "Least said, soonest mended"

She phrased her text rudely, but an 18 year-old buying special food and not wanting others to eat it is perfectly fine in itself - as you pointed out, no one in your home is starving.

Your reply was equally rude and rather than actually addressing the problematic tone you've gone in on her saying anything at all. Your response comes across more as being insulted that she would think you would ever eat waitrose food than anything else, which is a pretty weird thing to focus on.

I would have given the thumbs up or not replied in the moment and when you have an in-person moment given her an example of a better way to phrase the request.

Her tone was rude - she didn’t need to speak to you like that. YANBU.

Her message was haughty and obnoxious, but your response was immature. Taking the bait and responding with a petulant “I’m not a child!” just kind of makes you look like a child to be honest. (Sorry to be harsh!) I’d never acknowledge a teen trying to dictate to me by saying something like that. You’re the parent, not her, so don’t dignify it with a response that implies anything else.

I agree that the thumbs up response would have been fine. Or an “Okie dokie then” if you’re feeling particularly flippant. 😂

Unfortunately parenting teens requires almost endless stores of patience. I find the art of ignoring their bullshit is vastly helpful. If there’s no reaction then there’s just… nothing, and you move on.

I would 100% buy her sister some nice food in the next shop and let snotball sister know.

i would also say I’m sorry if I sounded grumpy, but I don’t really like getting told off in my house when I haven’t done anything, and I also really do not appreciate your dad buying one of his children nice food for my house. If he wants to treat you two unevenly, I’d really rather he keeps that to his house. I’ve bought your sister some food she asked for; it’s in the green bag and please leave it for her.

DD is acting like a flat mate. Perhaps she should be paying rent? 🤔

I had my DD when I was 39, it’s hard going through some really tough menopausal stuff (3 week long periods, night sweats) and a teenager/ young adult. I do think you over reacted but I completely get you have a lot to deal with, factoring in the ex husband, it’s hard.

Thanks everyone. I do so love Mumsnet for the different perspectives, even the harsher ones. I sometimes feel completely on my own with things and reading others’ viewpoints really does help.
I do agree that my own reply was immature. Had she written ‘dad has bought me some nice Waitrose food. Please could you not take any’, my response would’ve been entirely different.

Had she written ‘dad has bought me some nice Waitrose food. Please could you not take any’, my response would’ve been entirely different.

This is exactly what you need to say to her. Your initial response wasn't a shining example of healthy communication but you're human. You're also still her parent and she's a teen with painfully unformed social skills, so just tell her simply why you reacted so negatively and then move on.

@Daisy12Maisie wow the here is a gift of a coffee machine DS but you have to keep it in your room so your Mum can’t use it!!! I have heard it all now. You are so well shot of your ex, how nasty and petty is that! Hats off to you for taking it in your stride. I think the happier and calmer you are the more your horrible ex will squirm.

You aren’t raising teenage daughters on your own.

you may be on your own AND raising teenagers, but their father is helping so you aren’t doing it alone.

I think that the teen stereoptype needs a bit of a tweak.

Mother of 6 and while the boy were proper Kevins, they pretty much came back by 18.

Girls? Not so much. Some of usual teen drama but nothing major. Then hit 18 and suddenly all the teen drama started coming out.

I think that while its true that girls mature quicker than boys in terms of their understanding of the world, I cant help thinking that they just mask puberty in order to fit in. Then when they are officially adults, it all starts to come out with the added "power" that they dont live at home if they are at uni so they have that "I wont come home again" if you dont cave. Worse if they have a father that will always pick the side against you/

Recent(ish) thread about DD3 saying she will never have anything to do with me again if I dont change my beliefs about gender. She hasnt spoken to me since I said that I cant change my belief anymore than her grandmother cant change her belief in god. And yes, her father will always pick her side as he would always rather say yes to something he doesnt believe in, than say no and deal with the argument.

I feel your pain! Mine are in their 20s now so are quite a bit better now, but I remember those times!

I used to re-phrase my kids words or messages sometimes if I didn't like their tone. We always had an expression: "it's not what you say, it's how you say it"

I probably would have replied: "Hey guys, I've planned my meals this week and bought food. Please could you avoid touching the Waitrose packets. Thanks"

Is there any chance she was trying to be funny / lighthearted? And is embarrassed that it didn’t come across, and she accidentally upset you, and is now feeling kind of hurt and ashamed, and lashing out because she can’t articulate it?

The GOOD news is that it's 100% normal to feel irritated by your just adult child. They're supposed to irritate you in order for you to want to push them out of the proverbial nest.

I know it's really hard, especially with the ex, but I'd try and let it go. There are way bigger battles to fight than this one.

I'm curious how that affected you. 🤔🩷

First op, huge sympathies to you 💐

I get it. Raising teenage girls was hands down the hardest thing that I have ever done and I had lots of support and the issues were not particularly challenging.

.

I don’t see much wrong with your response tbh. It got the point across that you won’t be spoken down to anyway.

What is the financial arrangement in your household? Is your dd earning or contributing to the household at all?

If she is not helping with chores or contributing financially then I think a calm conversation about receiving a message like that written in that rude tone is inappropriate given the context that you have bought food and cooked for her almost her entire life. Help her to understand how helpful it is when communicating to see things from beyond just her own perspective.