To be irked by this message from my 18 year old?

[feedmefudge]

We’re not getting on so well at the moment. Usually we’re pretty close and have a good relationship. She’s great! However she is incapable of reflecting on her own behaviour and admitting any wrongdoing (her behaviour is actually fine; it’s more that she has an entitled attitude). Anyway, here’s the annoying and rather patronising message, which was sent to me and her younger sister:

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Me - ‘I’m not a child. I think you can trust me to hold myself back from your Waitrose food.’

It’s irritating because her father and I divorced years ago, and he has taken her for food for my house. I don’t shop in Waitrose but will generally bring home anything that she wants if she’s cooking for herself, plus I do a weekly Tesco shop. So it’s not like the poor love is starving!
Also, ex husband will be loving it that we’re not getting on as well as usual.

Daughter has told me that my reaction to her Waitrose text wasn’t normal. And I’m just so fucking tired of it all. Raising teenage daughters on my own is genuinely the hardest thing I have had to do (obviously the Waitrose text on its own isn’t a big deal, but small issues can sometimes tip you over as they’re often part of a bigger picture).
I’m also menopausal and really feeling it tonight. Some kindness would be appreciated, even if I am just a horrible mum! 😆

just make it clear she can sort all of her own food going forward, & not to take any of yours.

Your text back wasn’t great, but you’re only human and who can be perfect all the time? Same applies to your dd, her text wasn’t great. In an ideal world, these things wouldn’t escalate. If you keep reacting to each other, a small thing can grow and grow.

Im curious about the posters who said they’d buy separate food for other DD’s. I need to know if they’re for real??

Maybe you could say to him, 'thanks for buying dds food for the week, she's very anxious about dd2 or me having access to her private Waitrose food, so maybe we could split the cost of a mini fridge for her own use to help her manage this?' 😉

Then get a keypad lock for the big fridge! 😆

Tell her to save up and buy her own fridge as any food in the family fridge is for the whole family and while she’s at it she can pay for the electricity to run it. Either that or she can rent a shelf in your fridge for her personal stash of food.

😂 Or just this:

Sorry OP. As I often have to remind my DH: YOU ARE THE ADULT!

Her message was somewhat snide. Yours was rude. Even at 18, they're not adults yet, mentally. It's normal to get angry sometimes (esp in peri menopause), for them to see they've made us angry, but you do need apologise for your part. Perhaps not being able to take ownership of wrongdoing has been modelled for her by you!

Instead of being prickly speak with her something like.

The message you sent about the food came across quite haughty for me to read. While I understand you want your food left and will absolutely respect that. Next time could you consider a different.way to word a message like that. I also want to promise I will do the same as I know my response could have been worded better too. I love you lots and I want us to communicate better without either of us getting upset.

Just tell her not to dish it out if she can’t take it. Call it ‘training for life’. ☺️

Her text shows a lack of kindness to you and her sister. It’s great to have expensive tastes when she expects other people to pay for it. As other posters said give her space in the fridge and rules when she cooks her own food. Minimise your reaction to her it sounds like she’s entitled.

Does she have an income? If she does I'd be inclined to give her a shelf in the fridge and her own cupboard for her own food. If she wants to live like a flat mate then that cuts both ways. She can buy her own food.

TBH I’d stock the house with lots of Tesco goodies and reply saying “no problem same goes for all the X in the fridge/cupboards”

Yh because "don't steal my drugs" is really the alternative to this

I’d have probably been a LOT more petty than you tbh… Send back 🤣 and then deliberately go to Waitrose and buy some of her favourites and label them yours and other DDs.

”Do not eat mine and other DDs food. I will know if you have” with a 🥰

I once found a saucer of my 8 year old dd’s M and Ms on the table and written in Sharpie on the clingfilm which covered them (!) was, “They have been counted.”
I’d like to think your dd was being humorous, but given her recent attitude, perhaps not. Unlike other pps, I understand your response and you could actually now play it as having been an attempt to lighten the situation, even though it actually sprang from pissed-offidness. It’s not “not normal” and I’d be having words with my dd for her attempt at hurting my feelings, I think.

Yeah this..does she not think it would be nice to share something ? Clearly you share everything with her? Does she work ? Its not you

Well said, exactly what I was trying to say but a much clearer explanation!

Oh for the laugh emoji back😂

You’re right. It’s the tone of her message that is really off, with no p’s or q’s.
Personally, I’d be having a chat with her about that. Tell her she’ll get better responses from you (and people in general) if she fixed her tone and remembered her manners xx

@feedmefudge I think your reply was triggering.

It's not so much the fact she's concerned about this food being eaten, it's the rude tone she's taken which shows no respect to you as her mother. It reminds me of the way teens try to flex with calling their parents by their Christian names - there comes an age where most teens start fighting for forms of independence and respect that their parents may feel they have not earned. Sounds like she wants to be treated like a housemate by you, her mother. Problem is by this age, if she's got into thinking that kind of disrespect of you is appropriate, she's not likely to change all that easily, and certainly not by you being snappy or heavy handed. She may be dependent on you and her dad for board and lodging, but she is legally an adult now.

I do wonder if there is a backstory to the anxiety about food. Is she very picky / fussy, so that these special Waitrose bits are particularly important to her? Is she anxious about her A-levels, and trying to manage it by controlling things like her diet? I was very regimented around exams with what I ate and drank - wanted to have particular snacks and things as I felt it would help me keep focused and get a routine going with revision, so I could understand her behaviour a bit better if there was that angle.

I think your ex is also s**tstirring by dropping a little bomb of discontent into your home. Do you think he's maybe said something not entirely in jest like: "make sure your greedy mum and sister keep their mitts off your stuff". It's not helpful at all for him to be sending her to your house with a load of personal food which upsets the balance of your home, unless you are in fact being controlling around food and maybe haven't recognised that in yourself. My spouse grew up in a house where you weren't allowed any food outside set mealtimes, and it led to all sorts of resentment around food.

This is spot on. Wise words 👏🏼

I would be irritated but not that upset by it. But if she has her own food I'd probably be buying less in the weekly shop for her until it has run out!

I do think the tone of the message is worrying. Even my 3 year old knows to ask nicely or say please otherwise he won’t get what he’s asking for 🤣

Does she always talk this way? It won’t bode well with uni lecturers or employers if she is like that. I manage someone who communicates very similarly (rude, never a please) and am having to pull her up on it a lot.

One up her with m&s diamond strawberries not for sharing because you know she has her OWN special food and they are delicious plus they make the fridge smell all strawberry and nice

And that's why she needs to have a positive and respectful communication style modelled to her or this is what she will learn.

Honestly, so many people proudly sharing the petty responses they'd give. It's pathetic.