To be irked by this message from my 18 year old?

[feedmefudge]

We’re not getting on so well at the moment. Usually we’re pretty close and have a good relationship. She’s great! However she is incapable of reflecting on her own behaviour and admitting any wrongdoing (her behaviour is actually fine; it’s more that she has an entitled attitude). Anyway, here’s the annoying and rather patronising message, which was sent to me and her younger sister:

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Me - ‘I’m not a child. I think you can trust me to hold myself back from your Waitrose food.’

It’s irritating because her father and I divorced years ago, and he has taken her for food for my house. I don’t shop in Waitrose but will generally bring home anything that she wants if she’s cooking for herself, plus I do a weekly Tesco shop. So it’s not like the poor love is starving!
Also, ex husband will be loving it that we’re not getting on as well as usual.

Daughter has told me that my reaction to her Waitrose text wasn’t normal. And I’m just so fucking tired of it all. Raising teenage daughters on my own is genuinely the hardest thing I have had to do (obviously the Waitrose text on its own isn’t a big deal, but small issues can sometimes tip you over as they’re often part of a bigger picture).
I’m also menopausal and really feeling it tonight. Some kindness would be appreciated, even if I am just a horrible mum! 😆

It was certainly high handed of her, but you didn't cover yourself in glory either.

Why did you take the bait?

And why are you taking out your feelings about your ex on your children? They didn't ask to be born into a family where the parents couldn't stay together for whatever reason, or to have a father who needs to get himself a better hobby.

It is not your children's fault that bringing them up through the teenage years has been hard for you.

I think you need to try hard to be the bigger parent here.

After that text I would have said “sure” and would have secretly nibbled something, I’m that childish.

She sounds a bit rude but typical teenager, my DS can be rude as well I let him have a run of rudeness get it out of his system and then when we are face to face say I don’t like his current tone and ask for an apology, which he generally gives.

Christ, the responses…. Are all teens this rude and entitled and it’s met with ‘oh well that’s kids for you.’

She’s a spoilt, cheeky, rude little bugger by the sounds of it.

I think I would have sent back a laughing emoji and immediately gone out and bought myself a load of Waitrose food and put it away clearly labelled "Mum's. Hands off!" even down to tea and coffee.

Mine buy some of their own food and everyone has their own small box in the fridge and pantry as it is hard to keep track of what has been bought 'special' by them. If it's not in the boxes, it's fair game. Seems to work well for us.

Adding, yes, I have my own box.

I have resolved this type of thing before with kids around this age group (and older). I’d just shoot back ‘sure, no problem, I’ve done similar and I’m sure neither of us will get confused’, and then make sure there is some uber great treats in fridge and cupboard with a note attached as mine (which I then say is for me to share with others while they have their special food). Tends to get the message through and bumps it on the head in my experience.

You aren’t a horrible mum! That would piddle me off too. :( no advice other than to say I’m sorry you are experiencing this x

Oh don't write stupid replies picking at OP. She IS on her own and raising kids so she IS raising them on her own, their father seems actively unhelpful anyway.

I find humour works best with teenagers (while still correcting). My 14 year old has some occasional sass and in this situation I might reply something like “omg the shade!! 😂 Will try to resist 😋😋

"get dad to pick you up a mini fridge & cabinet, you can keep it all outside. X" would have been my response

I raised two DC on my own after separating from and divorcing their father. The teenage years are hellish. Pick your battles, is my best advice.

She said she's raising them by herself, also that he'll be loving that they're not getting on at the moment, so I'd say it's fairly safe to assume that she's done all of the hard work herself.

I had DS’ friends for a sleepover last week. I’m not ‘helping to raise them.’

Raising children is living with them, doing all the doctors appts and homework and chores and parties and fights with friends.

This dad is clearly not ‘helping’ if he’s actively happy to cause a rift between daughter and mother…and the other parent doesn’t need to have dropped off the facs of the Earth for you to be a single parent - that’s more rare by far. It’s not great to he both goady and totally wrong.

I would respect your DD keeping her separate, better quality stash of food in the household fridge only if invited to do so by you, the head of the household and the general provider of food, a roof over her head and utilities. Otherwise the contents of the fridge would be to share, respectfully and thoughtfully, as normal.

Does she cook her own meals and not eat with you or does she expect you to prepare separate meals for her with her superior food ?

Her instruction to you both is so mean-spirited and entitled that I would be really shocked to receive it. It’s quite antagonistic and all the more difficult if you know her attitude and tone is delivered through her from your ex and intended to upset you.

I would force myself to let it go if it’s a one-off with a passing reminder to word her messages more kindly without any underlying threat.

But if it’s an ongoing weekly thing which I really hope it isn’t because it’s very divisive, I’d buy a small second hand table top fridge to keep in the garage or utility room if she insists on catering separately for herself. So that food ownership is clear -and to avoid mistakes and arguments and also to avoid the necessity for the very unwelcome and offensive ‘hands-off attitude from her.
I’d also have a few basic rules about kitchen use.
And I’d still talk to her in passing about eating and sharing food as a family and how to use a nicer and more polite tone in messaging.

I’d’ve gone to the fridge and scarfed the lot. And left the empty boxes still in the fridge. And then denied the whole thing.

But seriously, I don’t think you did much wrong, OP. She left a snarky message. You replied with a snarky message.

And I agree with whoever said that you need to go out and buy some nicer treats and then send a message to the chat saying that only you and younger sister are allowed to eat those.

I get the emotional response but would try and reel it in and realise she is probably unconsciously looking for an argument and de-escalate. Maybe time with her dad has inflamed something, or he's made a point about how she should make sure no one else eats this 'special' food, and she is acting out the tension.

Rather than tone matching it's sometimes better with teenagers to make them realise on their own...I liked the suggestion by PP of saying that's nice, I'll get some nice things for DS and I.

I would have replied 'don't be so bloody rude' if my teen had sent me that. Who does she think she is?!

But scarfing the whole lot would be making a rod for your own back, as you'd end up having to referee the row between her and her sibling when she accused them of eating it all, and they quite rightly proclaimed their innocence.

Well, I think I'd reply to say the person who owns the fridge and pays for the electricity to run the fridge gets first dibs, maybe with a smiley face so she can stew about whether you're joking or have in fact eaten her food. Her dad is a twit by enabling this.

Agree with PP that everything at this age is best dealt with by joking. I have three all a bit older and we just tease and take the piss if anyone acts like a knob.

Kids can be thoughtless
I remember letting my daughter's boyfriend move in rent free ..so they could save for a Mortgage..
I was buying all their food ,and the families food .
They would come home with bags of snacks and expensive fruit and put it in the fridge..food I couldn't afford to buy for the other 5 members of the family .. because I was buying everyone's meals and everything else .
It did cause some uncomfortable feelings.

Did your ex husband not think this might upset your other daughter..and did they not think it might hurt your feelings.
Sine the boyfriend moved out ( he wasn't here long thankfully) I've more money and the rule is , anything in the fridge or cupboards is family food ,for everyone to eat ..no restrictions

Honestly, their brains don’t develop until 25. Pick your fights. Count to 10 and be grateful she cares about food not drink & drugs.

Presume your food is off limits to her? Well it is now…

Was she trying to be funny maybe? 😁 I agree that's rude of her.

Not if you happily owned up to it! It would serve her right... I wouldn't do this but I'd be tempted to hide some of it and pretend I'd eaten it...