To be irked by this message from my 18 year old?

[feedmefudge]

We’re not getting on so well at the moment. Usually we’re pretty close and have a good relationship. She’s great! However she is incapable of reflecting on her own behaviour and admitting any wrongdoing (her behaviour is actually fine; it’s more that she has an entitled attitude). Anyway, here’s the annoying and rather patronising message, which was sent to me and her younger sister:

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Me - ‘I’m not a child. I think you can trust me to hold myself back from your Waitrose food.’

It’s irritating because her father and I divorced years ago, and he has taken her for food for my house. I don’t shop in Waitrose but will generally bring home anything that she wants if she’s cooking for herself, plus I do a weekly Tesco shop. So it’s not like the poor love is starving!
Also, ex husband will be loving it that we’re not getting on as well as usual.

Daughter has told me that my reaction to her Waitrose text wasn’t normal. And I’m just so fucking tired of it all. Raising teenage daughters on my own is genuinely the hardest thing I have had to do (obviously the Waitrose text on its own isn’t a big deal, but small issues can sometimes tip you over as they’re often part of a bigger picture).
I’m also menopausal and really feeling it tonight. Some kindness would be appreciated, even if I am just a horrible mum! 😆

I’d have taken her message as a calls to arms and good sport.

My response would have been: all food, without exception, that is stored in the house I pay for and the fridge I pay electricity for, is mine if I want it. Thank you for treating me to some Waitrose food.

I’ve had similar with my DSC when she was in her teens relating to convos with her mother. She was mostly great with us but awful to her mother.

She’s 18 -you’re on the count down !!!!!!!!!

I think you're making a drama out of nothing. A thumbs up or "don't worry I won't touch a thing x" would be fine and then not escalate things between you. My kids are early 20s, they come out fine in the end!

do you and her sister have form for eating her food,
if not you, perhaps her sister does?

Avoid being drawn into her combative messaging. That would have pissed me off too. Could her dad have told her to send that message?

No response.

Then when you see her have a chat.

She can always go and live with him if you are so evil ? That would be my answer. Then she can send him shitty texts about food.

My DS once .”I am not eating that rubbish chicken you buy (normal supermarket chicken “,Dad only gets his from the local (overpriced deli type) farm shop !
This is man who also told the CMS that he earned £7 a week to avoid paying maintenance !
I cried ….but it seems laughable now looking back .

As a way forward could you give her a shelf in the fridge for her own food?
I am menopausal and dc are similar age and this has certainly worked for us. Made life much calmer and allowed them some independence…

Will she be going to Uni soon? It’s the sort of thing you have to communicate in a house-share not a family home.

The tone of her message is very rude. I would have replied, “don’t be rude, where are your please and thank yous?? I won’t touch your Waitrose food but remember we do share food in this house so it is a little annoying having to separate things in the fridge. Maybe we can get a box for your stuff”

She’s buying food that comes from a more upmarket supermarket that her dad took her for but Is she still planning to eat your and your daughters household food does she contribute to your household bills? I would not have liked the tone of her text either. I can’t understand why he’s taking her food shopping do you think she’s playing the poor card to get money and stuff from him?

I would address her poor tone of message directly whilst modelling a polite response rather than respond in the same rude tone

I would just have corrected her tone. Like "Ofcourse we won't touch your food. I would appreciate if you asked me politely the next time, without adding "I will know if you have touched it". Ok, love?"

It’s a lovely age. You think you are almost there having got through the early teen hormones etc and then you get hit with the ‘I know everything and you are pathetic phase’ It’s a kick in the teeth, designed by nature to prepare you (both) for them leaving home. Unfortunately they now don’t always leave home ‘on time’ which is where the rub is.
I’ve got an 18 and a 19 in the house. 19 has acted a lot like your dd and worse for the last year or so. It really did get me down until one day I actually lost it with her and gave her a few home truths about her lack of contribution and her simultaneous entitlement. It worked to a degree, where gently telling her hadn’t. But mostly it’s just a long practice in rising above with a wry smile because when they are a touch older ( and if and when they have a family of their own) they will look back on this time and feel pretty shitty about some of the ways they have behaved. I know I did!

My daughter likes tp cook for herself. She doesn't often eat the food I do because we eat quite different things. But she will often make food for me too.

This is all just part of her growing up and becoming independent which is what we all want for our children.

I really would take what she's said at face value (even if there was a bit of a sneer to it) and set your own boundaries to help her navigate.

So give her a shelf/compartment in the fridge for herself, explain that she needs to both keep it tidy and clean/tidy up after herself when cooking.

Part of navigating the teenage years is managing their transition to adulthood. If you want respect from them, you have to model it to them. Children and teenagers are inherently selfish because they've not had to operate as adults, only as children, and they're trying to get to grips with asserting their own boundaries as adults with recognising those of others around them. If perceived combative comments from her are only met with similar in response, she will only learn this model of communication with others in the adult world as an adult. Or she'll learn not to assert herself at all.

So, when my daughter started buying her own food but the fridge became a bit chaotic, I suggested she had her own shelf and was responsible for it.

Some of the suggested responses on here are ridiculous. If you pit yourself against your newly adult child in a petty, retaliatory or combative way, that is what you will get in return.

Depending on my mood, I'd have replied 'too late' or just ignored it completely.

The separate food thing would annoying me too.

Oh, she knows. This is a girl with very exacting tastes.

Is her father fuelling this? Will he have said - this food is for you, don’t let your mother have any?

mean to buy her nice treats and nothing for her sister who is ill and might like something nice once she’s better.

But your response just adds fuel to the fire. I’d go really bland in messaging back, and then talk to her in person about how to convey her feelings / requirements in a more pleasant manner. And get her a fridge box / cupboard for her things so she doesn’t feel the need to message to protect her stuff.

This

I can understand your irritation (single mum of two kids here) but I think I would have replied with humour, an oops too late with a funny emoji or a funny gif of someone stuffing their face. That’s not to say your response was wrong but I found humour diffused a lot irritations with mine.

Quite agree. OP, your text was pithy and to the point. That she didn't like it indicates that she knows perfectly well she's out of line - she does now anyway.

At this point I'd just move on and ignore the subject entirely. If she wants to labour the point then you need to think about how to address the bigger picture.

My teenager can be like this, I just shut up my shoulders, buy something lovely for myself and tell her not to eat that. It’s one of those battles I deal with by natural consequences. Teenage girls are sometimes their own worst enemy and be quite selfish and spiteful ( they do come out the other side 🙂)

Yeah I’d go with this approach.

her behaviour is pretty normal at this age IMHO - mine used to put post it notes on “her” food saying “youdontseehow’s DD name” and once told us “everything I buy with my own money is mine” whilst gladly eating all the food we bought! She would graciously let us know when it was “ok if we ate her stuff” ie it was about to go out of date.

It is annoying but not a hill to die on.

This, and is Disney daddy buying the younger sister food for her consumption only if he's her dad too? Is there a chance he's meant for them both?

Dear DD, I will do my utmost best but for your piece of mind, you might want to purchase a separate home (refrigerator) to accommodate your food. Your room has plenty of space for such an item, let me know what you decide. Your loving mother xxx

Riding to her bait only escalates things and probably gives her and her dad what they want.