To be irked by this message from my 18 year old?

[feedmefudge]

We’re not getting on so well at the moment. Usually we’re pretty close and have a good relationship. She’s great! However she is incapable of reflecting on her own behaviour and admitting any wrongdoing (her behaviour is actually fine; it’s more that she has an entitled attitude). Anyway, here’s the annoying and rather patronising message, which was sent to me and her younger sister:

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Me - ‘I’m not a child. I think you can trust me to hold myself back from your Waitrose food.’

It’s irritating because her father and I divorced years ago, and he has taken her for food for my house. I don’t shop in Waitrose but will generally bring home anything that she wants if she’s cooking for herself, plus I do a weekly Tesco shop. So it’s not like the poor love is starving!
Also, ex husband will be loving it that we’re not getting on as well as usual.

Daughter has told me that my reaction to her Waitrose text wasn’t normal. And I’m just so fucking tired of it all. Raising teenage daughters on my own is genuinely the hardest thing I have had to do (obviously the Waitrose text on its own isn’t a big deal, but small issues can sometimes tip you over as they’re often part of a bigger picture).
I’m also menopausal and really feeling it tonight. Some kindness would be appreciated, even if I am just a horrible mum! 😆

Aw - you’re not a horrible mum and I feel for you… I’m a loan mum with DD a bit older than yours and even without the complication of a smug ex in the loop I can feel the irritation.
Try not to worry. She’s old enough to understand that you will also have off days.
If you think your reply was OTT just tell her that and say sorry you were a bit sharp but you also have some things going on. IF you think your reply was ok then leave it.

SInce my DD has been away at Uni sometimes in reply to certain messages I find it better to pause before sending!
I also think at this age they’re learning about assertiveness and sometimes they don’t hit the mark and need coaching on it

am impressed your DD is cooking her own meals! Well done for the win there!! @feedmefudge

I also think at this age they’re learning about assertiveness and sometimes they don’t hit the mark and need coaching on it

Yes

@feedmefudge I could have written this exactly, but it’s ok for them to eat something they know you’ve bought for yourself for a wee treat. Teenagers are very hard work

I think I'd have replied with 🤣 and if I had time a photo of me looking longingly on the fridge 😃

Exactly! But sometimes you have an off day and they can really really annoy you! @feedmefudge

But I do think when you’re getting on well, you could show her your better way to write it and explain why it got to you and that it’s good for her in life to learn how to write requests in a more modified way. doesn’t mean they won’t be taken as seriously or aren’t as important xxx

But this is where it becomes a teaching point.

My son used to babysit when they were younger. The rule was I'd be home by midnight. I once got home at 12.05am and he was really worried. When he was old enough to go out, he never came home after midnight without letting me know first because he knew how it felt to be on the other side.

TBH I read both messages and didn't think there was much wrong with either, certainly not enough to lead to a major fallout. Perhaps whatever is going on for you both which means you are not getting on as well as before, is slanting your perspective on it.

The real problem isn’t the text. It’s the fact you allowed your X to drive a wedge into the normal household systems by ‘taking her for food’. I mean he’s using that as a means to disrupt and you’ve let it happen. I buy food for our house and it doesn’t get weaponised become no one gives it a thought. We just eat it.

And let her think the tone of the message was totally fine?

I wouldn’t have replied at all but would immediately have gone to M&S and bought the most delicious food money can buy. And obviously put it in the fridge next to hers.

I dread raising teenagers. Doing it on your own can’t be easy. However, I think you’re overreacting in this instance. It’s a perfectly normal teenage text. Teenage years are all about stamping out their own space and telling the world that they are now adults and can think and manage on their own and how dare the world suggest otherwise! They’re like over enthusiastic dogs running from lamppost to lamppost marking their territory. Teenagers are programmed to be wholly selfish and self involved. It passes eventually!
As hard as it is, sometimes it’s easier to bite your tongue and let them be unbearable arses on occasion. All teenagers are and most look back later at their teenage selves with utter embarrassment and feel dreadful about what they said and did to others.
Pick your battles as otherwise you’re both going to be constantly in battle mode.

I honestly wouldn't put too much energy in replying to messages like this. I'd give it a 'thumbs up' to show I'd seen it but no other reaction. Don't let her wind you up...she obviously delights in you being the bad guy so don't give her any ammunition. Keep your cool! You'll be so pleased with yourself when you do.

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if others have already said this. But given your response - to her rude message - was a little immature too, maybe when she’s back you can use this to have a chat? Explain that you are sorry for how you reacted, but she needs to recognise that it was a reaction to a rude message. You could perhaps try to use this incident as an opportunity to open up better communication with her because I think some kids don’t accept a telling off but are more receptive to one when it is in the context of a parent also accepting they too have made a mistake.

I’d throw out her Waitrose food and tell her exactly why. She needs to learn some respect. It will be tough fkr a bit but you’ll be doing her a favour in tbe long term.

Yes I agree with this. I think what she was trying to do was just let you know that she wanted to eat the food gradually. She definitely needs to work on tone though so I would chat nicely to her about that.

So her dad bought her a shop & she didn't use the chance to get her mum & sister something nice?

How disappointing.

She does sound a bit of a PITA.

I think I’d just have replied ‘Yes, dear - whatever.’

No more Tesco Finest for her then 😉

The tone of your reply matched the tone of her initial text.
If she wants polite replies she shouldn't send rude texts

Yeah, that's great parenting 🙄

Why do you resent her dad buying her food? Surely it's good for you because it saves you money.

If isn't the ex its her daughter asking they refrain from eating her treats that her Dad bought her. She messaged in an inappropriate or clumsy manner. Mum responded likewise. End of story really.

Teenagers can act like stroppy mares at times and 5 minutes later be delightful.

Part of the problem is living like you are young people in a shared house. Try getting back to cooking together/for each other

A thumbs up to a teenager is seen as passive aggressive. Would have been a great response in keeping with teens tone.

Really?! Guess I’ve got a lot to learn. My son is only 5 🙂