To be irked by this message from my 18 year old?

[feedmefudge]

We’re not getting on so well at the moment. Usually we’re pretty close and have a good relationship. She’s great! However she is incapable of reflecting on her own behaviour and admitting any wrongdoing (her behaviour is actually fine; it’s more that she has an entitled attitude). Anyway, here’s the annoying and rather patronising message, which was sent to me and her younger sister:

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Me - ‘I’m not a child. I think you can trust me to hold myself back from your Waitrose food.’

It’s irritating because her father and I divorced years ago, and he has taken her for food for my house. I don’t shop in Waitrose but will generally bring home anything that she wants if she’s cooking for herself, plus I do a weekly Tesco shop. So it’s not like the poor love is starving!
Also, ex husband will be loving it that we’re not getting on as well as usual.

Daughter has told me that my reaction to her Waitrose text wasn’t normal. And I’m just so fucking tired of it all. Raising teenage daughters on my own is genuinely the hardest thing I have had to do (obviously the Waitrose text on its own isn’t a big deal, but small issues can sometimes tip you over as they’re often part of a bigger picture).
I’m also menopausal and really feeling it tonight. Some kindness would be appreciated, even if I am just a horrible mum! 😆

I don't think her message is so bad..I can imagine my 8 year old daughter saying something like that. Are you sure she wasn't joking with her last sentence? Even if she wasn't then I wouldn't pull up someone harshly on misfortunate phrasing. I think a thumbs up would have been enough and then maybe you could ask her later why she added that last sentence and if she feels that she doesn't get enough food or if her good gets pinched.

Having said that I also don't think that your message was so bad at all. I can imagine myself replying like that if I was feeling stressed or tired.

So to summarise i think both of you need to be more tolerant of each other but that is probably easier for the parent than for the teenager even an 18 year old.

Now I didn't know that one.

Her - ‘I bought lots with dad to eat for the next week. If something says Waitrose on it, do not eat it. I will know if either of you have.’

Teens seem to communicate in a really abrupt way. I recognise that tone from my own Teens and their friends. I think it's just how da yoof communicate these days. * *

It's so weird people gatekeep food in families.

Next time try a jokey response - often a good way of defusing a situation. "Panic not - I will not let you starve! 😀xx"

I think it sounds like a text conversation between 2 teenage sisters really, not a teenage girl and her mother. So in that sense, she's right, it's not normal. She has not used good communication skills with her initial comment though, and got your back up, I get that. But basically she WAS just letting you know which stuff was hers, as no doubt her dad did intend for the food shop to be just for her.

I don't think teenagers often understand the way their short and to the point messages come across on whatsapps etc. My 19 year old can send very brief messages with no niceties or chit chat and sometimes it feels sooo abrupt,a nd verging on rude, whereas he sees it that he's just giving me the information I need and nothing else. I usually try to make my point in a dry slightly humorous way, so I would probably have sent her a reply along the lines of "Yes, ma'am. Or should I say "Miss Marple"." (or whatever female detective she would know)

Apparently it’s a thing🤷‍♀️ Whoever thought a full stop could be aggressive 😂 (Gen Z it seems 🫤).

That's a completely immature response, though, that would just inflame the situation.. I guess this demonstrates how some parents and young adult children clash so much though ....

Er, deffinitely don't take advice like this seriously, OP!

This why does she and the dad think this is OK if they have same dad!

Hmmm I'd tell her if you send a snotty message you have to expect you might get a snotty response back. OK it isn't mature but it is the reality of life. I'd struggle to not deliberately wind her up. Eg sneak out and replace some of the things with Tesco alternatives. Or label all the non waitrose food in the fridge - DON'T EAT SALLY - NOT WAITROSE!!!!

"No problem love, have you bought your own fridge and cupboard to store them? Since we're not sharing, I've decided to keep my fridge and cupboards for my food."

that wouldn't wind me up... my bar is higher than that.
I appreciate directness anyway

Big old nope on having her own special food and speaking to you like that.

"Sorry darling, food in the house is for everyone. If you want special food, either buy your own fridge or keep it at your Dad's. You're an adult now, so you can sort it out."

Wait, now people need their own fridge to have any right to food they've bought specially? That's barmy. If DH tells me he prepped something special for his own lunch then it's his, I can't just unilaterally decide it looks nice and nab it! And vice versa if I have something picked out. If the other wants some, they have to ask if there's enough like a polite human. It's no wonder some teenagers lack respect if the adults around them don't have any manners.

I would have replied “no worries” - you were a bit tetchy

Was there something in my tone that warranted the thumbs up?
You're coming across as unnecessarily tetchy.

You included the detail about dad buying the food - in Waitrose no less - which strongly suggests you resented the dad spending money there on the daughter and resent the daughter for going shopping with him and letting him spend the money on her.

I think you need to stop resenting your daughter for what your ex is doing. It's hard when the ex is seemingly rubbing his spending power in your face and singling out one child for special treatment (the golden child) but your daughter needs to know you are her friend who has no agenda, the one adult parent she has whose love comes with no strings attached.

Be that parent.

This
I would have just said 'Rightho' like Mr Muddle
But also can understand how some messages will just hit the right spot especially if you're not feeling on top of the world.
My best tool for my teenager is to pause. Before I react I pause for as long as I need to then I take action. Usually results in much better outcomes.

I wouldn’t have replied that that text. I’d have pulled her up on her rudeness when I saw her F2F. Compete or unacceptable for her to speak to you with that tone. There are much nicer ways she could have phrased the same thing. But not something to be dealt with over text which can easily turn into a tit for tat, and written messages can often come across incorrectly.

Tell her not to eat anything in the house not from Waitrose then! Cheeky mare.

Right now the fridge and cupboards would be heaving with cheese, trifles, chocolate and crisps all from Tesco covered with stickers saying DD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT EAT, THIS IS JUST TESCO SHIT

Her message was so rude.