Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

Our lodger only stays a few nights a week as well. One of my friends was appalled to hear what we’re charging him and thought we should charge him full rent, on the basis that, even if he’s not in the room for a few nights, we can’t use it for anything else. But the market just doesn’t work like that these days; the deal is that if you want a room for a few nights you pay for a few nights. If as a homeowner you want the money from a full-time lodger, you take on a full-time lodger.

I like my own space and enjoy the fact that my DP and I get a few nights a week to ourselves. But I also like having dinner and a chat with our lodger sometimes during the week. Things aren’t completely black-and-white like you seem to be painting them.

Summary: yes hubby was totally out of line. Great you talked to him OP and glad you're both on the same page.
And a high five for rejecting assertions that by voicing your concerns that you are somehow controlling your other half. What a joke. But hey, no one better dare tell me who I can live with even though I'm married, far to single minded for that.
Oops probably gone to far... hurray for doormats!

I used to have lodgers for years - PhD students and people working away from home. I don’t recall ever sitting down to eat together outside of special occasions - think if they were stranded with us over Christmas scenario - and they didn’t join the family watching tv, they had their own. I can understand him wanting a more settled base when he’s away but this set up sounds a bit odd tbh. I’d ask him to find a room elsewhere with more people or a regular Airbnb - hosts would be delighted!

Why not pay a "surprise" visit one evening and see what the craic is?
You never know, all might be above board and you can see for yourself what the set up is.
Don't leave it to chance or be too naive.

Why would he be staying there in the first place if it’s close enough for a surprise visit?

I mean, it is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to share a living space and not shag each other... living abroad, I shared a flat with a female colleague for 2 years, and we just shared a living space, that's it, occasionally eating together. She had a boyfriend in another town (some distance away) who would occasionally visit, he and I got on famously, and we'd all go out to eat together, go clubbing etc 😀

All lodgers are strange before they move in aren’t they? I don’t think the OP is being unreadable to be uncomfortable with this but to make out like there’s something wrong with this woman who is minding her own business and renting out her room is ridiculous. This woman can rent her room out to whoever she likes, nothing fishy about it in the slightest (unless all female live-in landlords are fishy if they accept male lodgers)

Are you sure she is just a random lady and this has not been set up to look like that?

That sounds like a miserable living situation to me.

Please don't apologise for anything.

Your feelings are honest and sensible.
You've shared them and your husband agrees and had been feeling like it was a bit weird.
A marriage isn't just sex, it's companionship. At the very least, she may have loved having him there. But this isn't appropriate.

We have to be careful what we allow our tendrils to curl around each day.

He is yours, you are his. He should be with you or alone. The odd dinner etc with a friend omg of course ok. But not daily domestic connection.

You were right.
He knows it and was fully in agreement.

I think it sounds like you have a lovely marriage, ideal. Enjoy it : )

He is yours, you are his. He should be with you or alone. The odd dinner etc with a friend omg of course ok.
God, how depressing. With your DO or alone? Allowed just the odd dinner with a friend?
This sounds nothing like my and my DP’s relationship, which somehow still managing to be 26 years long and counting.

One thing - he told you about it. But it's like he has a work-wife, only this is a lodging-wife.

Agree - ridiculous answer. What if you’ve also got a job you like? Kids at schools? A community you are happy in?

They stayed with us for years, so it clearly worked for them. Even years later we are still in touch by email and social media and I consider them my friends. What works for some is not a fit for everyone, and that’s ok 😊

Are you feeling quite alright dear?

Reported.

Guy here. First rule to consider about (most) men: a guy is basically controlled by his dick. It is entirely possible for a man to love someone (i.e. his wife) but to also engage in lustful, no-strings-attached sex with a perfect stranger. After a couple of drinks, this scenario becomes very possible, and a regular thing. If you value your marriage dort this out now.

This would be a absolute no from me no chance my husband lived in a house share when we met but it was a all male house anyway if I was you I would not accept this situation the chances are they will end up having a affair