Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

I don't agree that they will likely end up having sex. But I think the possibility of an emotional bond is very likely, and that's what I'd be uncomfortable with.

Yeah this.

Others will bang on about trust about how their husbands would never do that and they trust them.

Well good for you. I trusted my husband, he would never do that to me. Well he did.

Look at all the threads on Relationships, women tying themselves in knots because he is suddenly mean and picky and having a go. No, he cant be cheating, doesnt have time...wouldnt do that....think he is having a breakdown.

They were all found to be cheating. Some were players but most were not. Most were men who got cosy with someone else and then took the next step. Why do you think that the "work wife" often ends up being the Second Wife?

Hard no to this arrangement if it was me.

I'm not sure why you'd even marry anyone if this is really how you see the world.

Are you really so unaware of the countless incidences where a man and a woman share the same space and don't end up having sex? You may be sex-obsessed and governed by animal instincts but most people can control them.

Well, it is a combo of being like a flatmate and having dinner and a glass of wine with a mate of the opposite sex. Those are the obvious comparators. Sure, it's more than 'now and again', but obviously it is, because of the number of days he's required to work away from home.

Another person who ‘gets’ it. As I’ve said in pp, it’s not just about the possibility of sex it’s about as you say, playing house, when he already has a home. Some posters are fine with their DH not only living with another woman during the week but hypothetically going shopping with them and doing domestic stuff with them. What next, dinner out because neither felt like cooking, or a cinema trip? Where does the boundary stop? My friend’s husband works away but he stays in different rent-a-room set ups, he doesn’t have a second ‘home’.

Agree it’s good to see OP’s dh understands, unlike some on here.

You say 'playing house', I say 'lodging' and 'eating/cooking together and being sociable'.
We seem to divide into people who think that spending relaxed time in a house (and doing necessary things like eating!) with someone of the opposite sex is/should be the preserve of couples, and people who don't.

OP’s dh understands where she is coming from and that aligns with my thought process.

Does he? Or is he just keeping her happy?

OK.
But not everyone's, was my point.

Well he’s not gaslighting her or calling her delusional and crazy, he’s taken how she feels on board, no one appears to be behaving unhinged.

dinner out and a cinema trip... again, you're suggesting activities that are completely platonic! Yes, people might do them on dates, but they're also very normal things to do with a friend or housemate.

He is married, he’s not a ‘flat mate’ to anyone, he’s staying somewhere during the week for work.

Semantics. I’m married and stayed away from home for work for about 18 months. I shared a house during that time so I was a house mate Monday to Friday.

You’re going to have to take my word for this since I know him and you don’t, he really does get it. He also told his new colleague about it who agreed too and called him an idiot.

Why on earth would dinner out or going to the cinema cross a boundary? These are again things that I do frequently with male and female friends, in groups and one-on-one.

"Playing house" is a weird way to put it. He's lodging. That means he lives in a house and does domestic stuff. He's not playing at anything, he's doing the normal boring daily things that come with living in a house with someone, whether that's your flatmate or sister or brother or partner or landlady. These are not activities that are reserved for spouses only.

The alternative is a week in a soulless business hotel, which is frankly miserable (I've been there and done that) - hence the reason some people prefer to seek lodging arrangements. But the domestic/house stuff is inherent in that. It's the point.

He is married and he is also a flatmate. The two are not mutually exclusive if your lifestyle involves working away 5 days a week. One of my old flatmates stayed at our place 5 days a week and was also engaged to his fiancee in a different city. The two things were true at the same time.

OP's discomfort has nothing to do with the living arrangement or even the socialising. She'd be fine with it if he was staying with a man or an older or more boring woman.

The discomfort is entirely about her territorialism when her husband is in the vicinity of an interesting, attractive woman, which suggests levels of either insecurity or distrust or both that I couldn't be dealing with in a relationship.

Well I’m not a cool wife so in this situation yes I wouldn’t like it either.

I always think it's a huge self-own when "cool wife" gets trotted out as an insult. No, I'm not paranoid about other women, even when they're interesting or attractive - I love it when I see other women thriving. No, I'm not so distrustful of DP that I need to monitor his movements or who he socialises with - he can do what he wants, as can I. Sounds cool to me, in a very enjoyable way.

Yeah, me too.
if 'cool wife' means 'OK with DP having friends of the opposite sex and even watching telly and eating with them' then, you know, call me cool wife <<shrug>>
He must be a cool husband too because, as I've said, I frequently stay at a male friend's house and we watch telly/eat/chat together, and he doesn't say it's a deal-breaker or accuse me of playing house or anything.

There are posters on here who would have no problem with their dh, while living away from home, going out with their female flat mate shopping, dinner out, cinema, etc and although the OP’s dh hasn’t done those things I find it quite odd that women on here are fine about their own dh’s potentially doing those things, not as a one off with long established women friends but with a woman their dh lives with during the week. I’m simply not that cool. I’ll assume they’d also be fine if their dh emailed and texted the woman at weekends to check about if shopping needs doing or if they fancy trying that new restaurant that opened near them etc. Some very cool wives on here but I personally wouldn’t like it because the dynamic would be getting too parallel lives for me.

You said ‘our’ place so not just you?

Not the same thing at all unless you live with them at the same time as being married and living with your dh.

Yes, I'd be fine with all of that, why wouldn't I be?

The abnormal thing is living away from home 5 days a week and that's not ideal for most people - but OP has already explained why it's a necessity, and it's not that uncommon a situation.

He's not creating a parallel life with another woman in a deceptive or deliberate way. He's living in another house (with someone who happens to be a woman) because that's what his career entails. And given that, yes, all that bog-standard house activity is normal and expected.

I travelled for work abroad recently and best believe I messaged my friends in that city (including men! single men! interesting single men!) asking if they wanted to check out certain new restaurants. For some reason DP didn't accuse me of creating a parallel life.

Well I’ll use the phrase if I want to. 😁

No idea what you mean by a huge self-own? What does that even mean or signify?

I’m more than happy to be a cool wife. It means I completely trust my bloke, he’s given me absolutely no reason not to in the 27 years we’ve been together. He knows where the boundaries are.