Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

But a lodger-type situation IS domestic. Or it is for those of us who don't believe that a lodger should be packed off to their room with a pot noodle and their own shonky TV for the evening.
Surely as the partner of someone working from home you'd prefer to know they were having dinner and a chat of an evening than that they were stuck in a bedroom on their own?
DP and I communicate with each other about what TV shows we're going to watch/want to watch, and agree on things we'll save to watch with each other and things we can safely watch alone or with someone else.

Not sure it is really. Does OP know the circumstances around how the rental came about ? And if it’s not an OW, the fact is that it soon will be !!

I've said this already, but I think some people aren't realising that the OP gave us a resolution to the issue quite some time ago; all further discussion has been academic.

But you’re not living with him are you ?

Sorry, I don't understand the question.

Living with whom?

I actually think it's a bit odder that you think "eating dinner and watching TV with your flatmate" is more intimate than sharing a bedroom with someone.

If you get on with your flatmate you're likely to do quite a bit of the former, and I'm baffled that it's considered overly coupley. I don't think the latter is necessarily a problem but it's certainly a lot rarer - it's "last option when travelling" territory. I've never slept in any flatmates' rooms!

"Cosy" does a lot of heavy lifting in your post and others' posts. Cosying is only a problem if they're cosying up to each other physically. Sitting on different sofas, or even the same sofa with distance between them, is not cosying.

And watching TV is just not a special activity. When you're away for work you do it because there's sod all else to do, usually. I watch TV with DP but I would never call it a cornerstone of our domestic intimacy.

Exactly. Huge difference between hanging out occasionally and spending most evenings at home together.

I'm not sure that's what this poster meant.

Well I wasn’t worried about my husband sharing a room with a female friend because I know her, I know the circumstances of why they shared and I had nothing to worry about (other than the poor woman losing sleep to his awful snoring).

My use of the word “cosying” that you object to was because it was the best word that comes to mind to explain my issue. I am not worried that my husband has shagged his flatmate. I don’t believe he would do that, and I know he’s not so irresistible that she couldn’t stop herself. I was uncomfortable with the prospect of my husband living for a large chunk of his week with an attractive woman, just the two of them, cooking, chatting, drinking wine, watching box sets etc etc. That sounds cosy to me. If you would be ok with it, well done you. I wasn’t. I do not expect my husband to stay in his room eating pot noodles. Ideally I’d like him to meet nice flatmates he can socialise with but maintain boundaries with. Living one on one with an attractive woman of the same age etc is too far for me.

To me that just sounds like life of an evening after work.
Sure, it might feel cosy if I was with my DP. But when it's just me and my lodger it feels, I'd say, friendly (but boundaried).

Your issue seems to be based on your idea that cooking with someone, chatting and watching TV is inherently potentially threatening to your relationship. I just can't get my head round that mindset.

To be honest, this kind of lifestyle doesn't sound best for a marriage

I agree that him working away all week and only coming home for the weekends isn't a recipe for success, in the long run. That's the kind of thing you can power through as a temporary situation, if you must, but it will put a huge strain on most relationships if it goes on for too long.

It’s how we spent 11 years of our married life and it was fine. I quite resented him when he was first here all the time.

I did say 'could' and I did explain that I know, rationally, that my own DP is totally trustworthy and that many men are. But I also know that even though my head would say it's totally fine, I would FEEL unhappy about it. That doesn't make me paranoid. I'm just acknowledging my (illogical) feelings.

It wouldn't occur to me that cooking, chatting, drinking wine and watching TV would cross any normal boundaries, because those things are all so... platonic to me. I've done them with almost all my friends, male and female at some point. All my flatmates, male and female, too. None of them have ever had any inherent frisson beyond the quotidian activities they are. The fact that I now do them all with DP is because I live with him, not because they're inherently coupley or romantic. The only difference is I might actually cosy up to him (physically, not metaphorically) in a way that I wouldn't with my friends.

Socialising but maintaining boundaries - yes, of course. Boundaries around things that are inherently romantic or sexual like flirting, kissing and so on. Chatting and watching TV doesn't even nearly fall into that category.

"Attractive woman" gets to the point I suppose - that this is actually just territorialism. How many years older, or how many more grey hairs, or how far outside conventional attractiveness, would she have to be for you to be OK with this exact same arrangement?

That indicates that it's not the arrangement itself that's inappropriate. It's her looks. An attractive woman is, it seems, innately inappropriate for a married man to be around. How... misogynistic.

Acknowledging illogical feelings is one thing; expecting anyone to act on them is quite another.

@gannettwe’re allowed to feel differently about what we are comfortable with in our relationships. Of course I have spent evenings cooking, drinking wine and watching tv with men other than my husband. But not months at a time.

Other than that, to call me misogynistic because I described his flatmate as attractive is ridiculous. Also, her attractiveness isn’t really about her looks. It’s about the fact that she sounds like a very interesting woman. While I feel menopausal, boring and insecure at the moment. If my husband was to find her attractive how is that me being a misogynist?

Interesting that you jumped straight to looks. Who’s the misogynist?

Pretty much done with this thread. Too many people with too many obvious biases.

I said I thought the OP should tell DH how she feels, not that either of them should act on those feelings. Feelings sometimes are illogical (e.g. phobias) but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about them.

I think it’s the domesticity of it that jars with OP (and I get why that is). Working away from home doesn’t usually mean you have two domestic home set ups. I don’t know why people are comparing it with flatmates (he’s a married man with his own home) or having dinner and a glass of wine with a mate of the opposite sex now and again. He’s there nightly during the week, it’s like his ‘other’ home rather than just ‘digs’. At what non-sexual point would posters start wanting to put up boundaries or maybe other than sex there are no boundaries for you, so they can do each other’s laundry, go to the supermarket together, after all these are not typical romantic endeavours, so you’d be fine with that?

For what it is worth I agree with you OP. It is not an affair you are worried about but the familiarity that bothers you. There are so many posts on MN about people becoming emotionally entwined in someone other than their partner. It is the familiarity and sharing that often leads to this. There is no way my DH would ever think it was okay to play house with another woman because frankly that is what it seems like your DH is doing. You are entitled to have your own boundaries and can ignore the cool wives on here. It is your life. I am glad your DH understands your feelings.

Well yes… why would going to the supermarket together or sharing laundry be a problem? He might have his main home but Monday-Friday this is is temporary home, so from a purely practical point of view it would make sense for him to leave his work clothes there which could mean they end up taking turns with laundry to make it fair. I don’t really see the difference between a lodger and a housemate tbh except one has a live-in landlord and the other doesn’t. Like I said earlier though there is no rule that says lodgers must be banished to their bedroom and never socialise with their host. I completely agree with gannett on this.

I was told I was ‘weird’ and ‘controlling’ in a similar situation. Turns out I was right. He was shagging her and telling me I was nuts for not trusting him. It’s ok to say you’re not happy. Why can’t he share with males?

Why would going to the supermarket together be an issue? The romantic thrill of the condiments aisle? I've been to the supermarket with everyone I've ever lived with.

Never shared laundry and that's not the norm but I also wouldn't have an issue with it because again: not romantic, not sexual, not crossing boundaries.

If you lodge somewhere, that is a domestic set-up. It's a home, not a hotel. That's the point. Business hotels can be awfully soulless - living in someone's home means as well as your own room you probably have access to a communal living room to relax in, a kitchen to cook in and at least one other person to chat to. That's the entire reason people seek out lodgings rather than just staying in a Premier Inn for a week. And I'm not sure why having a domestic set-up is even a problem or a threat. No, people don't usually have two domestic set-ups, but people don't usually work away from home - and OP has explained why that's necessary.

In any case it's clear the set-up isn't actually the problem - it's the attractiveness of the woman.

"Attractiveness" is usually a synonym for "good-looking" so who can possibly say why I jumped to looks.

"Months at a time" is inherent in the set-up. He's lodging there for months at a time so yes, basic socialising around the house will happen for months at a time. That's what happens when someone works away and lodges.

Setting boundaries just because she's interesting makes it even clearer that this isn't a problem with the set-up, it's about your insecurity. Your husband isn't allowed to socialise with interesting women in a standard lodging set-up because you feel boring (and so have to ensure he doesn't get to talk to interesting women?).

It's not an insecurity I'd pander to in a relationship, that's all I can say. The idea of DP insisting I curtail my socialising with men because they're interesting and attractive is ludicrous.

But your husband is so good luck to him in his joyless Premier Inn with no human contact from now on. Or only human contact with other men and dull women, I guess.

No op . Just No. And you know why.

If she is single, interesting and under eighty they wlll very likely end up having sex. Let’s be clear that is likely given how well they are getting on. So it’s up to you. You can either let it happen or you can put your foot down - your choice.