Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

I’ll assume they’d also be fine if their dh emailed and texted the woman at weekends to check about if shopping needs doing or if they fancy trying that new restaurant that opened near them etc.
Did the OP say that happened?
Actually, it occurs to me that I must be heaving an emotional affair; on at least one occasion my male friend who I stay with sometimes has asked if I fancy going to a concert/event with him…

Well, we're not married, but we are civil partnered, or in your moral universe does that not count?
I'm not sure why it's so far from being the same thing. Apart from frequency of occurrence, it's the same, no, being in the house with/cooking with/eating and chatting and watching telly with...

You call it territorialism, I call it natural boundaries. Of course there are differences between how spouses or partners relate to people of the opposite sex. My husband goes on holiday with his male friends fairly often. He probably wouldn’t go wild camping with just a female friend for instance. I don’t think that’s unusual. Your boundaries may be in different places than mine, but I bet you still have boundaries. I have absolutely no idea why you are so incensed by my husband’s and my boundaries.

I’ve already said I’m feeling insecure at the moment. Well done you if you never feel insecure. I feel very lucky I have a husband who is understanding and supportive, as I hope I would be of him. For someone who claims to want build women up, you come across as pretty judgey.

It means that you think you're insulting me, but actually you're just insulting yourself, your husband and your relationship.

Huh?

As the half of my relationship who travels frequently for work, I think I naturally see it from your husband's perspective, and what I'm incensed about is the idea that my partner would try to impose those boundaries on me.

You're free to have the boundaries you choose but I object to terming them "natural" - they're not boundaries most people I know, and plenty of women on this thread, would deem natural.

Umm, other people can have their own views, you really can’t police other peoples language!

If you would be so horrified by other people’s boundaries then they clearly wouldn’t be right doormat for you. So I guess it’s just a case of seeing who you can find that would tolerate your chosen lifestyle. I would run a mile from a distant relationship for instance. Others might manage more happily.

Franky, whatever… if you’d be incensed that your husband would impose those boundaries then that’s fine. That’s your marriage.

I didn’t impose any boundaries. I told my husband how I felt and we discussed it. It ended up being more his decision than mine. Yes, lots of women would not feel like me judging by this thread. But lots would. And some men. My husband included. And that is not him imposing boundaries on me, it would be me not disrespecting his feelings.

You have called me a misogynist, distrusting, told me my husband is going to live a miserable life in his premier inn bedroom because of me, called me territorial etc etc. I don’t know who has pissed on your chips but maybe stop being so mean and personal to people on the internet who just happen to have slightly different relationships to you.

Good on you op, you are not just a passenger in his life/travelling roadshow.

You can decide what’s acceptable to you or not, and asserting your needs is essential in any loving relationship. I am sure he is glad you raised it and discussed it openly, most committed partners want their marriage to be happy and their partners to feel contentment and fulfilment.

There are posters who totally get where you’re coming from. Some don’t get it and that’s fine as it has no direct bearing on you. I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable and it’s good you were both able to discuss it sensibly.

Surprised so many people don't know how normal working away and staying in digs is.

@MidnightOrange, I totally get where you are coming from. My husband has worked away overseas for the last few years. He is permanent there though so has his own flat. However, (for me anyway) it's not that I wouldn't trust him if he was sharing with another woman it's just that I would feel a little bit sad and a tiny bit jealous (not sure that's quite the right word, but it's the closest I can come) that he was enjoying all the comforts of companionship, eating together, watching TV together and drinking wine together whilst I was sitting at home alone doing all the boring "home" stuff. It's good your husband understands your point of view and is sorting it, it's lovely to hear about a respectful marriage where talking can sort things out.

He could live with another man but what's to say they don't get it on?

I’m pleased having a chat with you DH has sorted the situation OP.
I would feel exactly the same as you. Sorry you are getting a hard time on this thread.

You're not being unreasonable. Simply because you are allowed to voice whatever you feel in a marriage.

It’s the familiarity and intimacy of watching tv and drinking wine that I am uncomfortable with. That’s how we spend our evenings!

It's also how a lot of people, whether married, single, lodgers or homeowners, spend their evenings. It's hardly 'our special thing' in the sense that tandem paragliding or breeding tropical lizards might be.

Are you really that naive come on who in there right mind would agree to that if it's genuine and just friends then good luck to you all but I can see the end and it starts with affair and ends in divorce

I was glad to see that you were both able to resolve this in a mature manner. I would have to agree that the eventual arrangement was inappropriate, but how it came about wasn't anything untoward.

I would say I'm a very un-jealous person generally but oh man I would hate this. Cos she would be getting the bits of my husband that I miss and love most of all.

yanbu

xx

I wouldn’t like this at all

Glad he listened to you, understood and acted. Sounds like you guys are able to problem solve well together 👌

Boundaries aren’t imposed on anyone. Other people’s boundaries are metaphorical lines that you choose to cross or not cross. An individual’s boundaries can be whatever the hell they want them to be. The partner can either respect them or not.

Hey if you get hacked off a lot and find yourself incensed by those around you having boundaries then you really need to look up ODD or one of the PD’s because this level of annoyance is the only thing not looking ‘natural’ around here.

I would feel exactly like you. As would my partner if the roles were reversed.

Im glad you were able to chat, your dh was understanding and will alter his arrangements.

My concern would be that he is leading a double life. That this is ‘the other woman’ none the wiser and having a full blown relationship with him, living together etc and his cover story to you is exactly what he told you…. Perhaps arrange a visit to this place during the week to have dinner with him, if he says no to that suggestion then you know something is fishy….

No, just no. Not fair on you, he shouldn't have made this arrangement in the first place knowing what he was getting into. imagine it's the other way around. You should speak up, if he really cares how this makes you feel and cam see your point of view he will make other arrangements.