Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

I think I would feel terrible if my husband was having cosy meals with his landlady while I was on my own.

My first lodger back in the eighties was a young attractive law student from the Cayman Islands, she’s now a judge. A few years back she sent her equally attractive daughter to stay with me, her mum said I’m sending her to you because you’re the only man I trust with my daughter.

We once in a blue moon we might eat together in the three years she lodged with me, she used to rib me when I didn’t come home at night after a night, out it was like a brother and sister arrangement

I rarely ever sat and ate or drank with her or with her daughter either, it was purely a business /friendship, I’ve managed to stay friends with all my ex lodgers both male and female.

Taking in a lodger was always a business arrangement for me.

If we did watch a film together occasionally,
one of us would be on the sofa and one on the armchair, neither of us really drank anything so no problems there

I think the other woman in this equation should also be more respectful to you as his wife, would she like the same done to her? How would your husband feel if the roles were reversed and you was living in a home with another man and eating together.

Has he told her he’s married? Maybe he hasn’t, or maybe she fancies him he’s oblivious to it all ( does he pick up on cues)

Im not old fashioned but I know a red flag when I see one and this is definitely one

This needs to be nipped in the bud, don’t be shy, you’re not doing anything wrong, you are just protecting you heart. If he starts saying, oh you’re just being paranoid and other phrases like that then beware of any gaslighting. It’s his job to make sure that he puts himself in a situation that makes you secure on your marriage

I 100% agree with you and am glad your husband is considering your feelings x
ps: menopause sucks

It’s insane

What an assehole, spending time away from home so save money for the family! Get rid!!

My had husbsnd worked away in various locations and after staying in hotels always found it better to rent an apartment. He involved me in choosing it even though his employers paid for it, as I often went to stay if he couldn't get home for the weekend due to late work commitments. This arrangement lhe has seems rather odd.

Umm HELL NO comes to mind. Im really sorry Id be very upset.

Tbh from the male perspective, if a man told a woman she shouldn’t talk to the only person she has contact with, and mustn’t watch tv in a room with another man etc would you say he was being controlling. My gf is out right now with her friends, I have absolutely no problem with that in fact I really hope she’s having a great time. I don’t think for a second that any man could treat her better so I don’t ever even consider her going off with anyone. Years ago I was working for a company in bury st Edmond’s and I rented a room in a house, I was married at the time and the owner of the house was young nice and cute. We’d often chat in the evening but I never gave it a second thought. I didn’t want to be stuck in a room all alone every night. Humans are social creatures it’s totally natural to want to communicate with someone. Studies have shown a person would rather share a cell with the worst inmate in a prison than be in solitary. You could be going out, seeing friends but is he panicking or is he just trying to do the best he can for his family and all you want to do is complain he has someone to talk to

This is an interesting thread. A single friend of mine rents out her spare room from time to time to help pay the mortgage / pay for holidays. She had a female flatmate for a long time but she recently bought her own flat. She now has a guy stay a few night pw - he is married with children, but has to stay in our city for work. I was shocked at how little he was paying. He is getting such a good deal, she often cooks for him and he picks up a bottle of wine. I don’t think there is any romance but they do eat, chat and watch tv together. Surely that is normal. I just thought she should double the charge.

I lodged Mon to Fri for a period, and stayed in two differnt flats. Ok I'm F and both landlords were F. With one, our paths barely crossed, with ther other we watched telly and chatted sometimes - maybe one evening out of the 4 I was there. It just was less lonely. I missed home massively. This lanflord might be gay, not find your partner attractive, may have massive reapect for marriage etc. If you can, see if you can meet her maybe.

Do you trust your husband ?
Is this Job he has undertaken a benefit to you?
Do you feel a little left out ?
what is it you want what would you be happy with what’s realistic ?

Getting a lodger who is there during the week and gone on weekends is the dream. You don't mess that up by helping them cheat on their wife, then they might move in full time.

Most people don't want someone else's husband or someone who would cheat. Even polyamorous people usually have a boundary of everyone needing to consent. If she's part of the majority you're actually better off having him there than a hotel in terms of cheating, because she would be a deterrent. She will know you and that he's married, she would be judging him and potentially would tell you. In a hotel he's free to bring whoever he likes back with no prying eyes. Having said that, if he's going to cheat he's going to cheat and it doesn't really matter where he stays, but he probably would stay in the hotel to make it easier.

I've lived in share houses where we do things together and ones where we do our separate things. Doing things together is nicer. Who wants to sit in their room by themselves every night (apart from me as an angsty teenager?). Some had partners that would visit. I've never hooked up with anyone I've lived with. It's a terrible idea, and none of them were married which just makes it an even worse idea.

He wants you to come and see his place and meet her, maybe do that and if you're still uncomfortable have a conversation with him about it.

I definitely think you should speak to him about it. As a caring husband, he should understand why you feel the way you do. He needs to realise that you are his wife so he should not be hanging out with another woman more often than he is with you. I'm sure he'd be upset if the situation were reversed. I hope he fixes this problem to help put your mind at ease.

Most people who feel that way don’t have cosy dinners and tv sessions with their lodger though? The people doing that are the people enjoying the company.

Why wouldn't they? It's a normal thing to do if you like the people you live with. I was in a distance relationship and while my ex didn't live with any of them he regularly had women over to his house to hang out and would often eat dinner with them.

If you can't trust the person you're in a relationship with, who can you trust?

Actually, I think you mean people enjoying having the house to themselves on the weekend. I'm one of those people. I would enjoy having someone I like in the house during the week and having the house to myself on the weekend.

Ive read OP's posts but not the replies.

I don't blame OP for not being happy with the living arrangements whereby her H apparently thought it OK to live in such a close way with another woman. Even if the way he moved in with her was apparently above board the intimacy of their living arrangements sounds highly inappropriate for someone supposed to be in a monogamous marriage.

Having said that there is absolutely no circumstance would make me OK with my H going away on weekends alone with women friends and sharing rooms with them.

I think OP is remarkably trusting because I.would not like to be in a marriage with a man who has a lot of women friends and goes away alone on holiday with them, goes away alone with his male friends, and works away from home. I'm left wondering how much time OP actually gets to share with her H. It's not the type of marriage I could cope with mentally but if it suits OP and her H then that's their business.

I'm glad OP has resolved the situation with her H. I think he must realise he pushed things a bit too far by expecting her to cope with him actually moving in with another women.

I mean if you only want lodgers on weekdays and gone at weekends, you’re more likely to be someone who enjoys their own space and doesn’t want to spend evenings with them. I can’t think of much worse as an introvert!

Yes, I’d be very uncomfortable about this and think you should tell him. As long as he starts looking for something else and gets on with it, that will indicate he appreciates your concerns. And be clear you’d like him to find another arrangement, don’t pussyfoot.

Glad you got it sorted. It's the proximity that builds bonds. I know of someone who ended up having an affair with her married Monday to Friday lodger (eventually marrying and then divorcing).

I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement.

Oh wow, absolutely no. I knew the trust issue would be thrown in here from some posters but that’s BS. Even when the relationship is 100% plutonic, if you’re spending more time alone with the person than anyone else, they’re in effect your significant other. That’s not a good marriage, nothing to do with trust. I swear a lot of people use the trust argument to convince themselves a poor situation is ok. I’d rather be poor and live with my wife, she feels the same. Most affairs aren’t premeditated, and most happen simply because of opportunity, nothing wrong with trying to avoid obvious temptation and that has nothing to do with a lack of trust.

I think the humans are social creatures quote is an over used trope. Eight billion people on the planet , we are not the same. Also what about taking cultures into consideration?

I am half Greek Cypriot and half English. The differences between Anglo Saxon culture and Greek Mediterranean culture is vast. I am much closer to the Greek side of my family. The relationship between my cousins and myself are akin to Anglo Saxon bother and sister.

I’ve been to Latin American and the Mediterranean country’s and they are pretty similar

I live alone and work alone, ie with the public, but no colleagues ( taxi driver) I’m happy meeting passengers for a while and never seeing them again, not all of them want to talk, fine by me.

I’m happier on my own.most of my socialising is done on the phone, I can regularly talk to some of my friends for four or five hours on the phone, the other night I spoke to my friend for seven hours, he lives alone as well. I don’t need a physical presence and I really don’t need anyone around me to tag along on my journey.

I made sure that I never had to rely on anything for anything in my life, and yes I do have trust issues, my hobbies are solo pursuits gardening, fishing, photography I don’t do group stuff

I solo rode a motorcycle sixty thousand miles through Europe, I rode through the arctic circle then inti Russia. I did a lot of wild camping in the woods, by glaciers on the North Cape under the stars. I was very happy indeed, but being on a motorcycle one always attracts attention from other bikers or ex bikers

There are plenty of men and women who feel lonely in marriages and relationships, loneliness is a condition on the mind not your surroundings. If you feel lonely and enter a room full of people you will still feel lonely, it’s wretched feeling which I had once after my divorce was over.

in my opinion if a person can’t sit in a room on their own, and feel the need to drink or get high, have a affairs or seek out company because they absolutely must have it, they are needy and weak.

You can’t live with someone if haven’t learned to live alone with yourself first, because that person then becomes a crutch

Some of us are foot soldiers and some of us are snipers I guess ?

Omg I bet he likes it there 😂

This is a bit unhinged.