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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

344 replies

MidnightOrange · 11/06/2025 00:14

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 11/06/2025 05:11

Hell no

feelingbleh · 11/06/2025 05:29

Absolutely not. I'm not the jealous type at all but no way would I be OK with my partner living with another woman.

SunnyPugdays · 11/06/2025 05:43

That would be a no from me ,and my husband wouldn't dream of putting himself in such a situation.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 11/06/2025 05:43

there's so much detail missing from this story...
when did he take up this 'new job'? and why did he decide to stop working more locally? was it a unilatteral decision? was there any discussion with you first, about what it would mean for your marriage/ living arrangements? is this a permanent/ forever job/ contract, or a short/ fixed term one? have you been left looking after any children or pets due to this? if he really just announced one day that he was off to work elsewhere, and would only ever be around at weekends, i'd have expected a bit more communication at that point, and for me that's all a far bigger issue than his lodgings

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 11/06/2025 05:44

CR2025 · 11/06/2025 01:25

If your spouse gets a job far away you move or split.

his home isn’t your home anymore.

Cobblers.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 11/06/2025 05:46

Op, this living arrangement for your h is a strange choice and inappropriate.

I would object but also find out how he came to this arrangement.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 11/06/2025 05:54

MidnightOrange · 11/06/2025 00:14

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

You are NOT being unreasonable to say you're not happy but it does indicate TRUST ISSUES on your side of the fence.

You have every right to tell him about your concerns but he has every right to blow back at you for your lack of sympathy about his working week.

I spent years doing much the same thing. DP had insisted on moving out of London for a rural lifestyle. Turned out there wasn't much of my type of employment anywhere near.

Sometimes I could get away with a 2+ hour commute each way, each day but that's such hard work after your thirties but it was not always possible.

I tried coming home one night a week, but that means packing and lugging your cases to/from a hotel near daily. I ended up becoming friendly with and confidante to the bar-staff just as a way of having social interaction. Tbh, the nightly phone calls were more depressing than uplifting hearing all the enjoyments others had been having. It wasn't helped by being expected tonuse my weekends to catch up on all the stuff around the house that needed doing.

But, although I stayed at.most remote jobs for 2-4 years it was always in 3/6 month increments, never 100% predictable. So quite tricky to sign rentals or buy a place to call home

It is intensely frustrating to live a lifestyle where you live out of a suitcase with no place to keep anything useful for a hobby beyond a swimming costume or running gear - both solitary pursuits.

So, share your fears with DH. But I would say that he'd be reasonable to respond with "if you love me you'd be happy I finally have some people to socialise with and it concerns me that you're happy for me to work away and take the proceeds but not to trust me enough to keep it platonic"

After all, he's told you about the arrangement, not told you that he's watching TV with "Bob" rather than "Roberta".

Be aware, be alert, but don't be paranoid

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 11/06/2025 06:01

That’s bloody weird. Sounds dodgy. I can’t believe they he’d think you’d be ok with this.

Spies · 11/06/2025 06:06

Of course you're not unreasonable. It sounds like he's up and left and found himself a new relationship. He doesn't sound like he's renting a room he sounds like he's living with her. I'm not sure anyone who found themselves in this situation would be ok with the way he's behaving and can't believe any posters think you're being unreasonable.

MidnightOrange · 11/06/2025 06:14

Thanks everyone for your input.

Ok. To fill in some gaps. His work away from home is unavoidable. He works for an industry that means he has to. I cannot move at the moment. He has been working away for about 6 months, in hotels up until now. I was completely involved in all the decisions and discussions about the job. If I’d have had a problem, he wouldn’t have done it. He saw the room on spareroom. He sent me the advert before he went, told me all about it etc. I’ve googled the woman and she’s neither a supermodel nor got any facial warts as one pp said which made me laugh. I’m not leaving my husband. We have a good marriage and I am fine with him working away for now.

I will talk to him I think, I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. I know he would hate it if it was the other way round and I will say that to him.

OP posts:
SingleAHF · 11/06/2025 06:16

Even if your husband is now and turns out to be 100% faithful to you throughout the entirely of your marriage, he was STILL in the wrong for doing this!

Because he should have realised how it LOOKS to you (and to others) that he has moved in with another woman and spending much of his leisure time with her. He should have realised how you would FEEL - ie threatened and insecure and worried.

MidnightOrange · 11/06/2025 06:18

@Mudflapsi wish I was as chilled as this. Half of me thinks it should be ok, he didn’t go looking for this and I know that. If it was a man I’d be more comfortable.

OP posts:
moose62 · 11/06/2025 06:19

I'm going against the grain here but my sister had a male lodger after her divorce to help with her finances. He lived in her house from Monday evening to Friday morning. She cooked meals for him and did a laundry service so he didn't take all his dirty shirts home to his wife. He paid extra for this. He stayed 3 years and they became good friends. She didn't remotely fancy him and it was mutual. His wife came to stay occasionally and she also became a friend.
It can work.
You are making the assumption that if a man and woman live in the same house they will automatically have some sort of affair. Is there a reason that you don't trust your husband? Could you meet his landlady and see where he is living?

Fitasafiddle1 · 11/06/2025 06:21

He has moved in effectively with another woman op. He would have 24 hours to pack and leave or less.
This would be a dealbreaker. Are you sure you can trust him? This set up would not work for me.

whatsappdoc · 11/06/2025 06:25

I'd suggest that you're thinking of getting a weekly lodger because it would be nice to share meals and watch tv with someone during the week.

Fitasafiddle1 · 11/06/2025 06:26

Lodgers are people you say good morning to once a day, not cosy dinners and spending the evenings together watching Netflix. You are under reacting. I am also struggling to see how you have a good marriage if you are seeing so little of him, and you are spending most of your life on your own.

Have you considered that you are too trusting?

Natthebat · 11/06/2025 06:26

PussInBin20 · 11/06/2025 00:40

What the hell - no way would I put up with that.

Would you divorce him over it?

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 11/06/2025 06:27

Mine worked away for a few years and he rented a room from a young pretty female for a few months in one town. Guess what happened? Nothing! I completely trust my OH, why don't you?

Fitasafiddle1 · 11/06/2025 06:27

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 11/06/2025 06:27

Mine worked away for a few years and he rented a room from a young pretty female for a few months in one town. Guess what happened? Nothing! I completely trust my OH, why don't you?

And you know that how? Did you monitor his movements 247?

DBD1975 · 11/06/2025 06:28

This is truly bonkers, not sure why anyone would be happy with or agree with this arrangement. It is a no flipping way from me.
Put your foot down OP this needed to be stopped before it started, it is crazy and, in my opinion, totally unacceptable.

Sally2791 · 11/06/2025 06:29

I imagine he would not be comfortable if you were watching tv with your male lodger every weekday evening?

MidnightOrange · 11/06/2025 06:29

@moose62you see this is what I think it is. I am convinced it was all above board getting the room. I have no reason to not trust my husband. I’m feeling a bit insecure at the moment, but that’s nothing caused by him. He wants me to go and visit one week soon so I can see where he is. I really don’t think he’s doing anything dodgy, I just feel really weird about it.

OP posts:
Spies · 11/06/2025 06:30

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 11/06/2025 06:27

Mine worked away for a few years and he rented a room from a young pretty female for a few months in one town. Guess what happened? Nothing! I completely trust my OH, why don't you?

Did he also share evening meals with her and watch TV together?

He's a lodger acting like they are in a relationship, it's just odd and I'm surprised several posters can't see that this is not normal lodger behaviour.

MidnightOrange · 11/06/2025 06:31

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 11/06/2025 06:27

Mine worked away for a few years and he rented a room from a young pretty female for a few months in one town. Guess what happened? Nothing! I completely trust my OH, why don't you?

But did he cook and watch tv with his landlord?

OP posts:
TooManyCupsAndMugs · 11/06/2025 06:31

Fitasafiddle1 · 11/06/2025 06:27

And you know that how? Did you monitor his movements 247?

No. But i trust him completely. He told me about her, he had a room in her flat, she was his flatmate nothing else. If you don't trust your partner, your relationship is over.