Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

Yeah ok. He didn’t think it was weird to set up with a single woman in the first place. Let me guess, she’s old, ugly and smells, has facial warts and is 2 meters wide so there’s no chance he could fancy her.. oooookkkaaayyy then .

Sorry this made me die😂🙈

You're not being unreasonable OP, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then you need to tell him. I wouldn't be happy about them watching TV together etc., it's too much like being at home with you. Surely if he's got his own room, then he can watch TV there. I guess I'd not be too upset about them eating together, but would expect them to maybe take it in turns to cook, and wash up, then once the meal has been eaten, I would expect them to go to their own rooms.

I have a lodger. We don’t eat together and watch tv together. She just rents a room in my house and we have a polite chat when I see her. I wouldn’t like it if my boyfriend lived with a woman and ate dinner with her etc.

Odd behaviour I'm sure there were plenty of other rooming options elsewhere

Yanbu. It's weird that he doesn't think it's weird.

What the hell - no way would I put up with that.

I mean I find it a bit unusual for my husband to basically rent out a second residence that he spends more time in than the family home.

The fact that he's a lodger in itself isn't that weird. But where did he find this person?

Through a normal spare room/tenancy advert?

Did she suddenly spring up out of nowhere conveniently willing to put him up around the time he moved jobs? Is she a colleague?

What is the reason why he's unable to live with you? For me I'd be considering it sounds like it's gone from a serious relationship to less than half the time spent together and him in the couch watching Netflix with a strange woman most nights.

Would he be OK if you got a single attractive male lodger and you two played 'happy house' together?

That’s really the only accomm he could find? I would suggest hotels were fine until he could find a different less cosy living arrangement, as his marriage was going to survive his working away although it’s not easy but having nice cosy evenings eating and watching tv at home with another woman is stretching it too far.

It feels like you've inadvertently become a sister wife. It would be a no from me.

If your spouse gets a job far away you move or split.

his home isn’t your home anymore.

Ohh come on . Really? Are we really going to be this absolute? ! 😂

I wouldn’t be happy with that at all.

Yeah thats not how being a lodger works. Thats how living together works.

Wonder if there is a bit of a "we are both missing people" thing, and they are filling the gap with each other. Purely by chance.

When women on here are worried about keeping their home after a split "Why not get a lodger" is the standard advice. So if she did that, and is missing living with her ex, and the DH moves in and is missing his wife.....

Just a hypothesis.

I don’t like it and your marriage will be affected. He simply cannot live with another woman and hang out with her and expect you to be ok with this. I’m pretty confident he would not tolerate this if reversed. It’s just asking for an affair to ruin your marriage. Speak to him and tell him to look elsewhere for lodging. I have never said this on MN but this is a hill I would die on.

My husband works away during the week, he's stayed in a number of different types of accommodation over the last two years from a room over a pub, various hotels to a rural house advertised as a b&b but in reality was just a house full of workers like himself, definitely no breakfast provided. Most of these places were pretty soulless and made for long days and evenings which he didn't enjoy so if he found a room to rent in a home with someone he felt comfortable enough with to eat and watch tv with I'd be happy for him, its hard enough being away without being lonely too. The pub he stayed in for months was staffed entirely by women, he became friendly with them and would eat in the pub, have a drink an odd evening and when he was studying and had an online class they'd drop tea and a sandwich outside his door because they knew he hadn't had time to eat on those evenings, none of this bothered me, I was glad he had company. I know its not easy when your spouse is away so much but don't let your imagination run away on you. My dh is renting a room in a house full of others doing the same right now, everyone stays in their room or out til late, the owner lives elsewhere, its a lonely set up and while it suits him right now as he's in the middle of studying for a Masters I hope he's either home or somewhere more homely when he's done studying. I'm not criticising how you feel, it can be hard being the person at home but be careful that the emotions of missing him may be partly what's happening and why you feel the way you do. Would you feel the same if he was renting, eating etc with a man?

I knew someone in this situation - turns out he wad indeed having an affair with the flatmate.

It doesn’t actually matter if the op’s dh is or isn’t having an affair with the woman.
The fact is, the op isn’t happy.
Shes entitled to feel any way that she does.
We don’t know her situation fully, and if she feels uncomfortable, then she’s not being unreasonable.

Note, if the single mother he’s rented the room from is a plain Jane, he could still be unfaithful.
why does she have to be ugly for the op the feel secure.

Personally, although I’d want my partner to feel comfortable away from home, and I’d want the trust to be there on both sides, I’d still feel uncomfortable with the sharing of tv time etc.
Thats a lot of personal downtime to spend with the landlady whether she’s a knockout beauty, or Mrs Average.

Take care op, and don’t lose sight of your own boundaries.

I agree with CR to a point. If it were temporary, say until school ends for the summer that is one thing but the original post made it seem like there was no plan like that. Nothing good will come from this situation.

@LostWirhoutYourLove the OP states single woman, not single mother

No, I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement. It feels inappropriately intimate that he'll be spending more evenings with this housemate than with his own wife.

I agree that him working away all week and only coming home for the weekends isn't a recipe for success, in the long run. That's the kind of thing you can power through as a temporary situation, if you must, but it will put a huge strain on most relationships if it goes on for too long.

If your spouse gets a job far away you move or split. his home isn’t your home anymore

What a bizarre take on it. I’ve known people who did FIFO for a few years to really bolster the family bank balance. It was an agreed decision within the family and the ones I know don’t have regrets (they no longer do it, was for a defined period, usually 2 years, just to really get ahead). No idea where you think people can move to in some of these circumstances, mines in the middle of nowhere, you need to fly in with nothing other than basic worker accomodation, oil rigs etc. Have even known someone who did two stints in Antarctica. Do you think only single people can work these jobs?

My mistake. however whether the landlady is a mother or not makes no difference to my overall post.

I'm thinking of getting a part time lodger, who i would assume would likely be a mature married man working away from home. I'd prefer to be cordial but independent but I guess if you both want to watch Inspector Morse 🤷🏼‍♂️

Did you see the room advert? I’d want to check he replied to an advertised room to ensure this isn’t someone he “met”. It’s not an ideal situation. Is this job for a fixed term and he’ll be home soon or is this his permanent job?