Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

My male friend (single) had a female flatmate (in a relationship) for a few years a while ago. Her boyfriend had no problem with the set-up.

The situation that puts a relationship in jeopardy is if one partner feels it's OK to cheat. Eating meals and watching TV with someone of the opposite sex doesn't put anything in jeopardy if that's not the case.

The amount of batshit territorialism on MN is wild - no one I know in real life thinks like this.

YANBU, I wouldn’t be ok with this. I trust my husband generally and even if I really thought nothing sexual would happen between him and another woman in this scenario I would be unhappy because, well, he’s doing couple stuff with another woman. It would hurt. Maybe that’s irrational. I don’t care, you feel what you feel.

Everyone I know in real life is like this. It's completely normal.
A boyfriend/girlfriend set up where they don't live together is also entirely different that a marriage. Besides you don't actually know how fine with it they were vs how much they put up and shut up.

They must have bonded very quickly to jump straight into dinner, Netflix and wine nights.

I would never fall for the ‘he’s not that person’ belief either. I’ve known some who you wouldn’t think had it in them to cheat but they did.

As for the single women, while most are happy on their own, if you read MN there’s also single women who have no morals regarding married men and they’ll date anyone who is showing them some attention.

I'm glad you've sorted it out. I would feel exactly as you do. It's not thinking this situation will lead automatically to an affair, but it's the level of intimacy with someone else outside my marriage that would upset me. This would add to the sense of missing my partner during the week too. It's good that he has recognised this.
Seems a good outcome all round.

Eating dinner and watching TV is not couple stuff? It's stuff I've done and continue to do with friends, male and female, as well as DP. They're bog-standard daily activities with zero romantic connotations.

But then I forget that on MN, going to the cinema or a restaurant with someone who isn't your partner is tantamount to an emotional affair.

A bit different as I live with my DP, but we have a part-time lodger with a similar set-up (works here for a few days a week and needs a bolt-hole to avoid a long commute).
He and I have found ourselves eating together and watching TV together a few times when my DP has been out/away (no red wine, though).
Technically, something could happen between us. But it's not going to because a) he's happily married and b) I'm happily partnered.
If your husband is happy with you, then nothing will happen, will it?

We had to live like this for nearly 20 years, with DH working away during the week, and a lot of people he works with are contractors doing the same thing.

I have been chatting with him and he basically said he agreed with you, and it looks like your DH does too deep down. I'm glad he has agreed and hope he finds somewhere nice.

It doesn't matter how deep the trust, or how genuine the belief that you won't stray, there is always a risk. It's an incredibly lonely life for them, often DH was going out for an evening meal on his own. He lived in lodgings a couple of times, he got on really well with one of the landladies but she was a lot older and he only socialised with her when she had friends round and she invited him to join them.His happiest contract was when there was a group of like minded guys who he got on with and who just wanted to pass a jolly evening together in the pub.

Hi OP. I'm glad your DH is looking elsewhere.

I spent years working in an industry where working away from home was a regular part of the job. Marriages suffered, even the good ones. Affairs were commonplace.

Nurturing relationships needs intimacy, closeness and regular communication. Prolonged periods of separation don't allow for this. Even if there aren't cracks, weaknesses can develop over time.

So it's good that he's acting on your concerns but I'd urge you to get the long term situation sorted out

My ex DH worked away a lot. I made my own life Monday to Friday as I had to. I started to resent his disrupting my lifestyle when he rocked up late on a Friday with a suitcase of washing. I started to find it hard that we had separate friends. I found it hard that he had close and intimate relationships with work mates forged though days and days forced together. He ended up leaving me for a colleague. A relief actually. I'm now very happily re- married.

You're definitely doing the right thing.

Eating and watching TV together is something I wouldn't have had a problem with when we were dating, as we all lived in house shares and that was pretty normal.
But after 25 years of marriage, no, I wouldn't like it so much.

I can imagine the situation the other way round.

MN would be telling DH to suck it up, trust his wife, accept the sacrifices she's making by having to work away from home and stop trying to control her.

I get that OP is uncomfortable and DH is doing what's necessary to make her more comfortable. She has the decency to understand that accommodating her concerns is sub-optimal for him.

What I don't get is PPs consider that eating and cooking together in a shared household is a heinous crime that can only lead to infidelity (even if just mental), rather than friendship. It's rather demeaning to the OP (and most woman) that the husbands they chose are apparently so awful.

I think id be more worried about my partner staying in a hotel! Call girl central...

My husband has apologised for upsetting me. He is glad I’ve spoken to him and we’re both already looking for another place. He says that I’m right, he knew it felt weird but his job and trying to get somewhere to live during the week meant his head is all over the place. I completely get that and am happy with his response. Longer term, I’m ok with our situation. I’m very independent and hopefully with good communication we’ll be ok. Having him at home with a job he doesn’t like isn’t going to help our marriage either.

Very interesting to hear the broad spectrum of feelings on this though!

Are you a regular poster who has namechanged?

Is your DH a certain type of Police Officer?

Yes, a regular poster who has name changed. No, my husband is not a policeman.

@gannett I agree. Having meals, watching TV and drinking wine with your lodger is an entirely normal thing to do! Why would people rather he shut himself away in his room like a recluse? A friend of mine has had multiple lodgers and did social stuff like this with all of them, male and female. If my partner (or I) had to work away I know I’d rather he found a nice person to lodge with that he could also develop a friendship with than somewhere he was confined to a bedroom with no company, and vice versa.

Sounds like he listened which is nnice, I would have vetoed that from the start tbh

The arrangement Sucks OP.

Well I think this is his OW not just some random "single woman" he is subletting from.

Have you seen a photo of her yet?

My partner (we live separately) is trying to get a lodger. He's had lodgers in the past and likes company whereas I'm happier living alone. He also prefers female company to male company. I'm sure if it comes about it will be entirely innocent but I have to say that I wouldn't be happy about it. (My DP is brutally honest and just can't lie.) Eating and watching TV together, they are almost bound to build up some sort of relationship and I'm afraid my gut instinct would override my rational thoughts. I think you ought to tell your DH how you feel and go from there.

Most lone female renters tend to ask for other lone female lodgers. I lodged when I was younger and I may have had the odd dinner with the person I lodged with, I didn’t make it a habit.

Feels like this person is more than just a fellow renter..

Wouldn’t bother me BUT perhaps I’m biased, as I work away from home very often, and am typically away with all men.

We go out for food most nights we’re away, sometimes we’ll go to catch a movie at the cinema or go shopping etc.

I have zero interest or desire towards them - they’re my coworkers and it sure beats sitting alone in a hotel room every night.

She could be but that doesn’t alter the fact OP’s dh is setting up (albeit not consciously) an alternative cosy home environment with another woman. It’s one thing to be a lodger occasionally crossing paths but eating dinner, watching TV and having wine together is getting too domestically entwined. The next thing you know he’ll be mowing the lawn while she’s ironing his shirts (sexist I know but I’m just trying to make a point). Yes he’s working away but that doesn’t mean two ‘homes’ if you see what I mean.

Anyway, it seems he has listened to OP and is changing his living arrangements.

Yes I have. Several having googled her and looked at her instagram. I really don’t think my husband would be repeatedly asking me to go and stay there if she was the other woman. He’s not a complete sociopath.