Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

That said, my hairdresser who is 30 and single rents out the top floor of her three story house to a single guy. Don't presume that someone's husband is just so attractive. They cook together occasionally and hang out, but it's just a house share situation.

It's fascinating to see all the posters expounding on what they consider to be a 'normal' lodging situation. Some flatmates/ logers share meals and watch TV together; some don't. Both set-ups are pretty normal.

Anyone who is sensible would usually avoid hooking up with their flatmate/lodger; it's far easier and less complicated to stay as friends not lovers. The only way the OP will be able to judge this other woman's attitude/ likely behaviour is by taking up the invitation to visit sometime.

I'm glad to hear that the whole arrangement was properly discussed, and that she trusts her husband. Those insisting that he's likely to cheat on her, just beause he's spending time in close proximity to another woman, must be feeling insecure about their own relationships

MN territorialism is wild, the sheer amount of automatic hackles that are raised at the spectre of aNoThEr wOmAn!!!

A disturbing number of people seem to believe that a man and a woman in the same space can only ever lead to shagging. And everyday activities like eating meals and eating crap TV are the height of romantic intimacy.

In my flatshare days I lived with a man for a couple of years. I was single, he was a friend of friends and became a friend too. As did his girlfriend. Obviously nothing ever happened even though we sometimes ate meals and watched films together.

One of my friends has had two different female lodgers since he bought his flat, totally platonic. The first had a boyfriend while he was single; he's now dating someone new, but his new flatmate is single. Food is eaten, TV is watched - in fact I went round to visit him last week and had dinner with both him and his flatmate (new girlfriend is out of town). It's a non-issue for everyone involved.

Another of my friends has lodger in her place but only for 5 days per week - a man in a LTR who lives in Liverpool but works in London and is saving up to marry and buy a house with his fiancee. Perfect scenario for her, she gets help with her mortgage but also her own space at the weekend. They didn't know each other beforehand but they get on and in that case it's far weirder to ignore each other and pretend you're strangers than to just eat dinner together if you're both around.

These aren't isolated examples, this is an entirely commonplace scenario. In the current rental/flatshare market, as long as the flat is habitable and the other people are sane and hygienic, you take what you can get - and that might not be much. Everyone I know has been through a houseshare period and it would be considered very unusual to stipulate by gender, and if a partner stipulated it on anyone's behalf it would be extremely controlling.

Sharing a flat, eating dinner and watching TV with someone doesn't usually lead to sex. A man and a woman put into the same space are not guaranteed to get it on (and usually won't tbh). Platonic is more common than romantic. If you don't trust your husband to be faithful that's a problem in the relationship, not the living arrangement.

Sorry I think this is different.

In your sister’s case it was a lodger relationship, which after years they became friends. Understandable.

The lodger could pay extra for certain domestic services such as meals being cooked and laundry.

Did your sister sit and eat these meals with the lodger every evening and then watch tv together? I expect not.

I’m not sure how long the OP’s husband has been in this house but it seems immediately to have become a personal relationship.

Actually, I think the woman whose house it is, must be looking for a housemate rather than a lodger and these are different things.
If this is very new, OP’s DH could reset boundaries with this woman but to be honest, I think it is going to be too awkward.

Sounds very dodgy OP. Unless he’s completely naive. Even so, he should respect your feelings and find somewhere else

But I’d personally feel annoyed with my husband for taking that relationship beyond a lodger relationship to a personal relationship, where they are eating together and spending their evenings together.

That's a friendly relationship, not an intimate one. I've spent evenings and eaten dinner with everyone I've been in a houseshare with and I can assure you that none of it was a prelude to sex. Are they meant to frostily ignore each other and only exchange the barest of small talk? Despite living together?

I'm in my sixties 2 of my acquaintances are now married to men that were 'lodgers' for years. Both men failed to inform their wives they'd actually left them and started new relationships. 'Mike' kept the pretence up for nearly 20 years until my friend gave him an ultimatum and said she wanted to be the official wife by her 50th birthday or they were done.

There's an awful lot of assuming that this woman is going to want a married man. Contrary to popular opinion they're not that attractive.

Most homes aren't that big so it kind of makes sense to pool resources and cook together sometimes. It probably doesn't happen every night.

If the OP really isn't happy then she needs to say so.

You could ask him would he be happy for you to do the same if the situation was reversed.

My friend is now married to her lodger. She had a long term boyfriend when he moved in.

What I’m trying to say is, your husband sounds very trustworthy in his behaviour and I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong at the moment. If it was a short term arrangement I would put up with it even though it would make me uncomfortable.

However this is not sustainable long term. If he is sharing his life with her more than you, intimacy and connection will naturally build up. It then becomes a very dangerous situation for his marriage. He doesn’t want that and neither do you, but once a connection is built he will have to actively ignore it. Easy to slip, and blow up both your lives.

Of course there are different set ups.

the point here is that the OP thought it would be a situation with little personal interaction and that isn’t what it’s turned out to be.

The DH hasn’t discussed this with the OP and clearly the way the setup is in reality is a problem for her. They need to talk about it.

I would add that of course we’ve all had houseshares, and had partners, boyfriend/girlfriend who were in other house shares at the same time.

It’s really common. Especially when you are younger.

But when you are older, married and live as a family unit for years (maybe they have children, not sure?). To work away from home and go back to a houseshare would be an odd situation for me. I personally wouldn’t like it and I can understand the OP’s discomfort.

You are deluded if you think affairs dont happen.
Maybe OP should move a man in too. See what he thinks about that. A great way to conduct a marriage.

My ex worked away from home for a while, stayed in Travelodge to start with and then house/flat shared with a woman....she worked at the local pub, and he was sharing her bed as well as the flat. Hence why he's an ex. Don't get me wrong, not every man is like my ex (thankfully, he was a grade A arsehole), and just because my experience of a man sharing with a woman is negative, doesn't mean your husband is doing anything wrong. However, there's always a potential for it to happen regardless.

Well, working away from home is the "odd" situation that necessitates the living arrangement. Most people don't spend the week living away from their families. But it's also something that plenty of people have to do, and OP has explained this applies to them. So yes, a working situation that isn't the norm leads to a living situation that isn't the norm.

Lodging with someone and keeping personal interaction to a minimum sounds miserable and borderline hostile. When my friend was advertising for a lodger she said she didn't want to be besties with whoever moved in, but she did want to feel she could chat casually and normally to them - and in fact as a single woman with a male lodger, she'd feel much more uncomfortable if she didn't get to know them to an extent.

Obviously affairs happen. They're not connected to being a lodger!

What on earth do you mean?

@Fitasafiddle1he absolutely did not know his landlady before he moved in. I am not in denial. I know my husband very well. I was fully involved in the process of his new job and then finding somewhere to live. When he went look at the flat he was told she would be away a lot of the time with work, so far that hasn’t happened.

Anyway, I have actually spoken to him about it this morning. I said I wasn’t happy about it. I said that eating, watching Netflix and as it turns out drinking red wine was not ok with me and he fully understood what I was saying. He’s going to find a new place to stay. I do feel bad because it’s not been easy to find somewhere so I do think he’s a bit disappointed. But potentially months of a built up relationship with another woman is not ok with me.

How long has he been living there?

Living away from your partner is hard enough without knowing he is drinking wine and watching tv with another woman. Even if nothing sexual happens that itself is enough to make you uncomfortable.

I’m glad he’s prioritising you in this situation.

That's a friendly relationship, not an intimate one.

It is one that the OP isn’t happy with and didn’t expect. It has clearly not been discussed between the OP and her DH yet.

I've spent evenings and eaten dinner with everyone I've been in a houseshare with and I can assure you that none of it was a prelude to sex.

So have I. And my DH too. Both post docs, in labs around the world. We did that for years and years before we bought our own home, got married and had a child. Nothing wrong with a house share.

Are they meant to frostily ignore each other and only exchange the barest of small talk? Despite living together?

No one said that at all. You are taking things to extreme. Plenty of lodger setups are perfectly friendly, but they just don’t involve eating together and watching tv together every evening.

Different people have different requirements, especially linked to their stage of life. All that needs to happen here is that the OP and her DH need to get on the same page.

I think it’s completely fair to feel uncomfortable but also to still trust your husband. You’re not worried that the tv watching and the dinner eating means they’ll have an affair - it’s something that you don’t get to do with him at the minute and another woman does get to.

Living apart for most of the time must be really hard, even if it is temporary and you are a rock solid couple. But while the overall relationship will survive, you are missing out on the day to day comforts that living together provide. You don’t get to come home to him having cooked dinner for you, or get to catch up on the show you both love as a way to wind down. You don’t get to surprise him with a new way of cooking a family favourite recipe, or catch up about something that happened at work that irked you, or laugh at the running joke you have about that odd man he goes past on the way home from work every day.

These were things you both agreed to miss out on when you made the plans together for him living away. You were in it together, albeit apart. But now he is getting some of those needs met by another woman. It doesn’t mean they’re going to have any kind of affair - it could literally be he gets in, she’s got a shop bought cottage pie in the oven, and they both sit and watch Springwatch in silence, then he goes to bed. But it still feels like you’re not in it together anymore.

So I guess if you completely trust him, then the conversation you need to have is whether you’re happy to allow him to break the agreement of both of you feeling lonely and a bit shit in the evenings. And what you decide is completely between the two of you.

Um no wouldn't like that. I have had male lodgers but you don't get this cosy with them. Even if innocent, if misguided, now, it will lead to familiarity and domesticity with each other which is unlikely to end well for the OPs marriage.

My exH used to work away... unfortunately you can probably work out why he is an ex!! Sorry... i wouldn't be happy with this

Are you living with a partner? Move a young, attractive person in of the same sex as you so they can share meals with your partner and watch films with them in the evening. Go on do it. iT'lL bE GrEaT 4 UR rElAtiOnShIP HUn 😜

I find the jump by a lot of posters from eating a meal together to having an affair slightly offensive to single women. I’m a single woman and, following the advice that is so often given out on here, got a lodger to pay for the bills. My lodger is very similar to the OPs, a married guy who is working away from home during the week and going back home at the weekends. Him having a wife and kids was actually a selling factor as I knew he’d definitely be going home at weekends. I have absolutely zero romantic interest in him! And if I did I wouldn’t have wanted to live with him as taken/married men are a complete no-go for me. However it is nice that we can have a normal chat when we do cross paths. As I’m often out in the evenings we only see each other for maybe an hour a day and cook separately but I have offered for him to have what I’m cooking once. Again, this wasn’t a romantic suggestion but practical as I knew it would take a lot of time to make and it would be awkward in the kitchen both cooking at the same time. TV is similar, as I’m often out in the evenings we’ve watched TV once together and it was as platonic as it can get.

Having a stranger live in your house is hard but I would much rather be able to have a nice chat with them than be mono-syllabic. I’ve offered my lodger to have his wife up so she can see where he’s staying, maybe take yours up on the offer if he ends up in a similar situation to reassure you?

If you read my post, I have been a young, attractive woman living with someone else's partner, and know several others in similar situations, and nothing untoward has happened.