Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

Can he ever not be wrong?

Whatever happened to the notion of the strong independent woman whose entire life does not revolve around a man? Or to the idea of platonic friendships? Or to the sisterhood where another woman was not going to steal your man??

The OP sounds very sensible, having participated in the process and been fully aware at all times.

She's not asking whether she should leave him; just whether is reasonable to explain that, although party to the agreement, she's uncomfortable with the actuality.

My answer is absolutely explain your feelings.
But also be clear what you think an acceptable resolution would be?

• only a male.flatmate? (Will you still worry they might be getting too friendly)
• stay there but don't eat together? (Lonely)
• back to hotels? (Expensive)

It's easy to be concerned, but it shouldn't be a reason to be coercive.

I do trust him. I just feel weird about it.

I would try and develop some happiness with this arrangement. You have a good marriage and you say you’re happy. After being unhappy, he’s now in a situation where he has some company mid week, which means he won’t go out looking for company. This lady gets to share with someone who will hopefully be non-threatening i’m not lecherous because he already has a significant other. Not all men cheat and can’t be trusted

he has suggested you visit and I suggest you do that to put your mind at rest

So why aren’t you listening to that ‘weird feeling’ and blindly holding on to I trust my dh mantra?

Why is it so hard or unthinkable to question things?

It is healthy to protect your interests, to be aware and to feel comfortable within a relationship. This would not be acceptable to most wives op.

I have a lodger at the moment, a friend of a friend of a friend. They are on a year placement in my area.

we don’t eat together or watch tv together, he spends time doing his own stuff or in his room.

its over familiar behaviour that your h seems to be entwined with. That starts if friendly but where does it lead with people realising. I’d nip it in the bud - get back on spare rooms

unless it’s a contrived lodger situation, was this all set up? Had he met her since he started the job? Then moved in?

Why did you wait until now to think about saying something? He's already moved and settled in, surely this was best discussed before it actually happened?

No marriages in the military allowed then?

Why did you wait until now to think about saying something? He's already moved and settled in, surely this was best discussed before it actually happened?

Because she didn't know that they would spend each evening together watching TV and eating meals before he moved in?

It's the fact they are acting like a couple sharing a house than lodgers that's the issue.

Is this a permanent job relocation? If it is, you really need to move closer to his work or he finds another job closer to where you live.

Nope. He’s spending more time living like a couple with her than he is with you.

A bad day at work, an extra glass of wine at dinner, a comforting shoulder to cry on…….more fool you op.
That’s all I am saying.

I hope you have your plan b ready, and finances in perfect order. You are both playing Russian roulette with your marriage with this arrangement. A wing and a prayer, rather than solid boundaries, clear expectations and lots of love and time together the glue of every good marriage.

My son in laws friend did this , had a wife and daughter back home .
Now lives permanently in new town , with new wife ( yes who he rented room from ) with two new kids as well !

Hence the need for a discussion. Beforehand.

He has to leave this arrangement today. He can go back to the hotel.

I don't see how that discussion would have told them what the situation would be. He wouldn't have known himself that they would be sharing meals or watching TV together before moving in, it's not a normal lodger situation. Or are you saying the OP should have anticipated this and told him not to do those things?

Sharing space for most of the week, eating (cooking?) together, and watching tv and laughing together in the evenings

@MidnightOrange, your feelings and boundaries are reasonable and valid, and your H needs to honor them.

This set-up would make me very uncomfortable. He is away from you all week and is getting to know this new woman in a home setting. Proximity can easily breed interest, familiarity, intimacy and attraction.

This wouldn’t be happening in my marriage. Why play with fire? I would absolutely ask him to find other accommodations.

Your peace of mind needs to come first.

My DF worked in an industry that meant he was frequently working overseas for long periods. My DM never wanted to move abroad, and neither of them wanted mine and my DB's education disrupted, so we stayed in the UK.

I don't think he ever shared accommodation with a single woman, although he shared a house with 3 colleagues for a while, and one of them was female. DM never gave it a second thought.

They could have agreed certain terms like all male houses etc, op could have outlined what she was comfortable to agree to.

It’s hard to have preempted that a normal lodger situation would develop into couple like relationship so very quickly, so it feels like there is much more to it.
Maybe he knew her before?

Something feels off, and op is determined not to find out. Denial it seems is easier than facing up to the reality that her dh is now living with another woman for most of the week.

If the tables were turned, he’d have misgivings about you lodging with a single male ….guaranteed.

I used to work away Monday to Friday and worked with a lot of people who did the same. A lot of people had lodging arrangements, some had hotels. Whether people cheated or not was not related to their accommodation.

I completely understand why you were fine with the idea of him lodging somewhere.

At the time of seeing the advert, you didn’t worry about it being a woman because it was your expectation it would be a lodger relationship.

But I’d personally feel annoyed with my husband for taking that relationship beyond a lodger relationship to a personal relationship, where they are eating together and spending their evenings together. He didn’t ask you and he just did it.

He didn’t protect his marriage to you by keeping that relationship more distant. I would wish he’d had your marriage more to the forefront of his mind before deciding to spend his evenings with her.

Many, many married couples have to live apart during the week for many reasons. It’s tough and it’s lonely for both spouses. But such is life. You’ve made this choice for financial gain and I assume this is temporary? When is it ending?

I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you moving in a lodger during the week while he’s away , in theory, but also wouldn’t like the set up if reversed and that’s a great way to explain it.

Why don’t you suggest getting a lodger for some company? Maybe a nice young man who can do odd jobs in the house - see what your DH thinks? 😉

Dogaredabomb

I'm thinking of getting a part time lodger, who i would assume would likely be a mature married man working away from home. I'd prefer to be cordial but independent but I guess if you both want to watch Inspector Morse 🤷🏼‍♂️

I actually don’t get this, you’d assume a married man would need a place on his own? Is this a normal thing where you are?

You say you trust him, but it doesn't sound like you do.
Then it's it nice that he has found a friend so he's not as lonely whilst he's away from home, regardless of gender. If they get on well, why can't they eat together? You'd rather he sat on his own ?

This - exactly this.