I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Life is tough for a single independent adult on a low wage anyway. Being autistic ramps that toughness up. He needs to come home and so in your position I would try to figure this out. My adult ds is also autistic, although younger than yours, but functions very well being with us at home.

I would get some sort of structure in your garden, such as an office pod/similar. I would put all your ds’s stuff in there and make that his personal space. I don’t think you’re allowed to sleep in those things generally, so I would get a foldable/sofa type bed in the living room - and get him to fold/unfold this at the beginning and end of every day. Non negotiable - this room is his for overnights only and must be a family room otherwise.

He will not flourish living independently at this time - that is a fact. But you do need to protect your DD’s and by having your DS’s personal space/stuffin a garden pod, you can hopefully do this. I would caveat by saying to him that he needs to understand that times have changed: his sisters are older and they have their own rooms, which they need. He can no longer have one of them because you need to prioritise children - and he is not a child. You also need to lay ground rules - whatever he’s doing that upsets them must not happen. He is autistic, but he can certainly follow rules and do as told.

Op, I really feel for you. There is no clear solution here that works for all of you. I don't think you can have him back. It is too disruptive for the household, too upsetting for your DD. But I also feel for him. He clearly needs help, but he only wants to accept it on his own terms, which are very narrow - move back home - and don't work the family as a whole. Best of luck with it xxx

Can you do a garage conversion? He would be with you but ina more robust room.

@Mintsj I think about OP in this. The situation will suck the life out of her and probably shorten her life. I don't feel that's exaggerating.

I agree what you said also that he won't be able to live independently. I'd fight with all I had to sort benefits and secure housing. This won't end well for OP if she has him back. She deserves a life.

It's a good idea to RTFT. Or at least all of Op's updates. Then you'd have the answer to your question.

I think your instinct is right - not just because of the effect on the household but also because it would encourage him not to become independent. There may be some coaching or counselling available that can help him navigate life - even if he's too independent to qualify for supported housing he might qualify for some help.

It's important that he doesn't just come home and then not apply for any of the help he's entitled to, because that would leave him in a terrible situation if anything happened to you and your DH - not to mention causing everyone a lot of stress in the meantime. Not letting him come right back doesn't mean abandoning him entirely - once he's applied for everything he's entitled to and done as much as he can, at least then you'll know what his situation will be without your help, and you can try to fill in any gaps.

Would be a hard no from me! He's an adult refusing to take medication that may possibly help him. He needs to recognise his actions / interaction within the home are disruptive, threatening and damaging to your daughters and your property. They deserve a life too.

He needs a reality check now because you aren't going to be around forever. Given they've had their childhood with him in the home, now is their time not for you to be pandering to him.
Log him with the council as a vulnerable adult. Encourage but don't take control. Seek a mens hostel environment where certain standards have to be maintained given he won't do his own cleaning.

OP, I suggest you speak to the housing department at your local council to find out the criteria for getting on the housing list and what to do when he is made homeless. Sadly, young men are often not seen as vulnerable but I imagine you will have all the paperwork to support this. Be clear that you can’t house him for the reasons you’ve said. As a pp said, they will probably initially give him a hostel place if he is living in his car and there are homeless teams that will work with people to give them support and refer them to any services that might help. At least there are in my area and they will always try and get people into some kind of accommodation. It won’t be easy but it will be a roof over his head. He’s got a huge advantage in that he has a job. Good luck. It must be a very hard decision to make.

And adult man barging into the rooms of your daughters?
Completely unacceptable.

Could you just build a nice shed in the back garden? I'm not sure how much they cost but a garden pod would be about 16k so that wouldn't be any good. I know there would be no insulation but it would be better than being homeless.

I wish people didn't think that autism means eligibility for PIP....hardly any of us receive it. He will be more likely to get it if he lives with you because he has to be able to say that someone is prompting him to do things. That said, it sounds like he won't allow you to help with the form and won't understand what he needs to say in an assessment.

Could he apply for a council flat close to yours? Or a privately rented flat, close to yours?

Best of all worlds would be close to home so he can get some support from you, but not actually at home.

As he has diagnosis, would the council have more a of duty of care to help him?

I would prefer not to have him back either. It sounds like having the house free of him has been a welcome relief. Your DDs also deserve some quality of life too. He probably would prefer autonomy and being independent. I would help him with the search for another room, preferably on his own?

He would then only have to look after one place and not cope with others.

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Why can't he flourish living out of home? It sounds far better for him than living at home.

Do you know many single young autistic men in min wage jobs flourishing on their own? An autistic man is likely to need quite a lot more family support for quite a lot longer than most.

@Mintsj Part of the issue though is that he won’t acknowledge his diagnoses and accept support. He probably won’t flourish until he does.

@Mintsj It sounds as if he's doing pretty well for himself, actually, despite the challenges. He has a full time job and his own place, which is a lot more than many people his age!

Yes, he needs support, but OP can support him without him moving home.

The thing with Pip and being ND I can almost guarantee that unless you understand the nuances in the questions then you get refused.
There is a poster on tik tok who goes through the questions and explains everything (think in RL she is a solicitor)
He should apply again taking her advice and relating it to how he lives.

Could you approach this as, if he can put aside the fact he doesn’t believe he has ADHD and autism and “play the game” it will mean he gets more money in and that will mean he can find a better flat/car/wont have trouble with his bills/can afford stuff etc

If he has a diagnosis of ADHD then meds are what he needs. Some people might get results from things you can get online or OTC eg, Lions Mane, L Carnitane, Saffron, etc but meds are what he needs (I take meds and all of the above and still my brain doesn't quieten but I can get stuff done)

Could you maybe give him the information that having ADHD means not only is his brain a different shape to a NT person but if he goes through life unmedicated his lifespan will be shortened by about 15 years compared to a NT person

If the first meds he gets don’t make him feel right then he can try others. There are different brands, different strengths and different types

He does need to try them for at least a month to get used to them and then he can try stronger or a different medication. He needs to go back to the psychiatrist who diagnosed him and go through titration.

Maybe point out that the way he is with people and the mess and the destruction are all part of his ND and if he still thinks he is not ND then he needs to look at how NT’s live.

The anxiety and frustration that comes with being ND in a NT world manifests as anger.
Being ND and not being able to concentrate on anything that doesn’t interest you when surrounded by people where life, living and the right words comes easy to them even if it is the most boring thing in the world is like a bad joke.

He is probably a much more intelligent guy than his fellow co workers so seeing people progress above him is really frustrating

I also have a DS diagnosed with ADHD and is more than likely ASD but hasn’t gone for a diagnosis. He is medicated
School wrote him off as never being able to be a functioning member of society and able to look after himself let alone get a job.

Within 3 years of him being diagnosed and medicated he has a managerial role, his own start up business and is learning his 3rd language

Ds never believed he had ADHD and was resistant to meds but he can see now the difference they make.

Absolutely agree with this OP.

You have to protect your daughters, and yourselves at this point.
He’s working and has been living independently. It’s not a party for anybody, and independence is hard when you’re a young adult, but he’s aggressive and manipulative. Support him with housing by all means, but elsewhere.

Totally agree with all this. I'm quite au fait with the nightmare ridiculous questions on PIP forms and supporting people to help their answers fit. Great advice there ref TTok.

He needs benefit help and it's wrong the way it's set up. I agree entirely that playing the game is the only way.

He'd need your help filling the form OP and being there in an assessment with him because the god damn numpties assessing will have zero true comprehension of his challenges.

Not even universal credit?

he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful

Yep, leaving him out in the cold for society to deal with, where he can be aggressive and intimidating.
Why wasn't his attitude worked on with a therapist when he was young enough to change, occupational therapy to channel frustration, CBT to regulate emotions, so many people make allowance for bad behaviour from children with SN and once they're an adult, you shut the door.
We're both thankfully working again. I have spent years financially broke paying for OT and play therapy for DS.
We continue to work on his empathy and resilience. He may move out, he might not, however it is my job to try give him the tools to cope.

Come on now. That is incredibly short sighted and very unfair on OP. That dreamlist you provided is just that. It really isn't within the gift of many mum's. How long has her son been denying his status as an ND person who needs support that he himself has to engage in. This probably started quite young. And maybe OP can't afford the implementation of that list. We know public services won't provide it. Very unfair post.

At no point does OP refusing to house him in her home mean dumping him and doing a runner. Stop it.

What a horrible post and very judgemental.

Sometimes children/teens won’t agree to do therapy or take medication, you can’t force them. Then they change from not being a child anymore to an adult and if they are being aggressive and violent then that is scary and OP should absolutely protect the children she still has in her home.

Everything isn’t solved by CBT and talking about feelings. Sometimes you just need to make a boundary.

Not short sighted at all.
It is not a dream-list, it is a must when you have a child who is on the spectrum, aggressive with defiance.
I couldn't afford the services neither but we had no chance of getting them publicly.

OP should have punished her DS for his behaviour years ago, walking in to his Dsis room, punching walls, remove his things, he can't meltdown forever, he'll eventually tire.
OP's situation is not unusual. I seen it all before.

It is not unfair many parents make allowances for sn children, until they're adults who have the same behaviour, it is imperative to change this behaviour when they're young and continue channelling their sensory output.
Not on the ipad.