I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Her situation is very common. I agree. Seen this too.

It's a mum blaming default you have gone to though. Not fair at all. Punishment in traditional forms tend not to work. I don't therefore agree that she should have done that. OP is probably scared of him and we can't determine here how much back up if any she has/ has from a father figure. That plays a role. There may be commonalities that many recognise here but the tools accessible and additional ingredients that may go into this situation are different for each family.

I'm an advocate for meds if all else fails. But even that is no easy feat if he is headstrong and resistant and has been for a long time I'd guess.

I'm so glad my family treat me the same as they would there normal children. You do know autism is an illness and this lad has no control over how he is mostly. Were his siblings even brought up to understand the differences how it's actually not bullying, hurtful comments etc and part of an uncontrollable illness and to ignore rather than take to heart. Anyhow my siblings were so they know thoughtless words, deeds etc means nothing so we have no problems and ye I left at 18 struggled alone tbh for a while and then got invited back home and siblings re-shuffled happily. Middle 2 siblings are fine but my youngest brother 12 years younger is even more autistic and ye we just get on and love each other anyhow..They are only bullying, nasty words when they come from a person with no problems and can control themselves

There have been others on this thread that have attested to the long term damage being subjected to a violent and aggressive autistic sibling can cause.

That his behavior is caused by autism does not negate the harmful impact it has on those around him. His siblings aren’t obliged to accept his behavior and/or want to be around him. He’s an adult man that is capable of living independently, and his desire to move back in with OP, to the detriment of everyone else in the home, is not more important than the welfare of OP, her husband, and daughters.

This is absolute bullshit. I am autistic. I am still responsible for how I treat people.

I can be terribly blunt. I can be very abrasive towards others when just trying to get through my day. I can have meltdowns where my behaviour is overly angry, even aggressive in my younger years. I am still responsible, it's still possible to learn this behaviour is not okay and put extra effort in to do no harm - or at least to be sorry for the behaviour you can't help, that has impacted others, and work with others to figure out how to make it better for everyone.

There will be some people who cannot understand, of course, but if you're here writing your opinions on mumsnet - or in the case of OPs child, able to live independently, drive and hold down a job - you can understand and put effort in to control yourself and your reactions so you do not cause harm and hurt to others.

Having an autism diagnosis is not a free pass to treat people like shit. Not at all.

There will be other houseshares where people are willing to live in a sty. Did the other people move out because of him as that’s a problem that might repeat?

Exactly this. I'm AuDHD and have two autistic boys (one with ADHD, one without). They don't have co-occurring learning disabilities..We have never, ever taught them that autism means they can treat others how they like. It does autistic people a disservice when they are totally mollycoddled and people believe we are not capable of understanding the impact or natural consequences of our actions and changing behaviour. Autism is a reason this may be more difficult (executive functioning, memory, habit formation, ability to perspective take, etc) but if the autistic person has full capacity, no LD and is able to live as an autonomous adult, it is not an excuse.

I was absolutely determined to not be one of those mothers of autistic boys who think the world must bend for their every need, and who care nothing for their autistic child's impact on others, even their other children.

ND parenting isn't easy, it's even less easy when you are ND yourself, so I'm not without sympathy for how difficult a job is, how much advocacy you have to do, how the world doesn't understand, school doesn't understand, etc. I know it's bloody hard to get help unless you can pay, or navigate the system. But autistic children still need boundaries, they still need to understand there are consequences for treating others badly, and they need to understand that nobody will give them a free autism pass once they become adults. They're no longer a dysregulated child lashing out at that point, they're a scary full grown adult male.

I'm sorry, but I'm autistic and never in my life have I been aggressive towards someone. It's funny how it's usually men who are aggressive as usual, but we have to put up with it if they have a diagnosis.

No, I don't think you can have him back to live with you, it wouldn't be fair on the other dc. I'd also be worried about him ever being about to leave again if he came back.

Ultimately, he's a competent adult. I can understand him feeling overwhelmed and wanting to come home, but he needs to make the best out of the choices available to him.

I wonder about other ways to support him. Does he have much of a social life? Accessing people with similar niche interests can be a real game changer, it was for me!

How old are the other children?

The safety and wellbeing of the family as a whole needs to be the priority. If your DS moving in has a detrimental impact, including to his own health and wellbeing, then that's not the solution to this. Contact adult social services for advice, and provide information about the options to your son to take forward with your support.

I asked the OP this question yesterday but she hasn't been back for 24 hrs .

Can’t really believe the responses here. At the end of the day he is your child, he needs your support whatever age he is. My son is autistic and can be a handful on times for myself and his younger sibling, but there is no way I could ever abandon him. It really does seem like you prefer life without him.

People saying here he won’t end up homeless, chances are he will, people with ASD are at a significantly higher risk of homelessness than the general population. Could you forgive yourself if that happened? I really hope you can work something out.

Many of you are wilfully ignorant towards disabilities and that's why your empathy is in the bin here.

OP, clearly having your son back home is a risk to your daughters so you can't do that, but I think if your view of your son is as most responders have shared here i.e. a manipulator who will be fine if you just push him out and don't consider how autism impacts his behaviour, your approach to solutions will be limited. If you see him as your son who is genuinely struggling and seeking help then you can think of ways to help beyond having him back at home. It's also possible to see your daughters as needing safeguarding from his aggressions and understand that he might feel abandoned in the process, AND still decide he cannot come home. This thread is littered with binary thinking.

Does he have an official diagnosis for autism? If so what has been his support so far and what has worked? Have you reached out to any charities/groups that work with youths with autism? The latter especially will be key because it sounds like he has no one to connect with and someone more specialised would help.

There are no overnight solutions to your situation and I understand it must be really difficult but hopefully with the right support life will gradually improve for him and you all.

Op he’s an adult. Your duty is to protect your children who are still living at home. They cannot move out to get away from their brother who bullies them and is agressive. You also need to prioritise your marriage.
He’s shown he can live independently. Moving back home is NOT an option because it will put your other children are not safe, your marriage will suffer, your house will be ruined again and it’s not temporary. He will be home forever and your other kids will move out as soon as they can to escape the abuse at home and your marriage might end in divorce. You can’t prioritise his comfort over the safety of 4 other people.

Look into supported living for him

Could you find a new part for him. Staying with a tolerant family member outside of your home? He might behave better with them, and have a new frame of mind from being somewhere new?

My late db would have been diagnosed as autistic if he'd been born now and our parents, especially df, were very keen for him to move out and be independent. He wasn't aggressive and was very clean and neat he could drive and had a minimum wage job. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I think both my parents regret him moving out (aged about 28) and though he seemed to cope at first he became very lonely. He also started drinking and became an alcoholic. He couldn't afford to keep a car. He died last year.
Ds is also autistic (aged 22) and can be loud. He knows that being ND does not mean he can behave badly! I expect he will move out but he would be welcome to live at home. Dd3 is still at school and there have been issues but she has learned to stick up for herself and they are quite close.

@thatsalad ds is autistic and he has never been the slightest bit aggressive. He used to get frustrated when people couldn't understand stand him but now, after years of private and nhs speech therapy that's not an issue anymore. If he is feeling overwhelmed he knows to take a time out but he doesn't expect any special treatment because of his 'illness'.

As an autistic adult myself it feels like you're putting the needs of the "easier" able bodied children above that of your son.
It's what so many autistic adults in the community say has happened to them. The dad thing is if it was an adult child with mobility issues no one would ever put the needs of their other children above those!
Most are now NC with their parents.

This can so easily be flipped around though. Ever heard of glass children? Many too are NC with their parents for always being sidelined to the more needy sibling.

If OP has him move back in it will be at huge detriment to both her daughters. Don’t they deserve privacy and dignity? Not to be made uncomfortable, and acted aggressive towards in their own home?

It’s disingenuous to compare it to mobility issues. The son has proved he’s capable of living alone, he just doesn’t like it now. And someone with mobility issues wouldn’t actively detriment the rest of the family in the same way someone aggressive, tactless and destructive would.

OP it’s an incredibly hard situation. I think you should support your son as much as possible emotionally, practically and even financially if you can. But draw the line at him moving back in. Your daughters are still minors and just because they aren’t autistic doesn’t mean they don’t have needs and aren’t important.

But if this was a mobility issue, the OP’s DS wouldn’t pose a risk to his two teen sisters. In this instance, his aggression and behaviours make him a risk. The OP is in a very unenviable position, because it’s clear that she is in a situation where she has to essentially choose whether to prioritise her adult DS with disabilities, or her two teenage daughters. It’s clear her DS wants to move home and is struggling, and it’s clear that this decision would have a significant and negative impact on his sisters. Living with an aggressive male with no boundaries would 100% impact their sense of safety and security in their home. I can empathise with the son, but I don’t think I’d be able to place two very young women at greater risk. I’d feel horrendously guilty though, and would probably get a second job to ensure I could financially support my son to live in a studio or small flat on his own, as sharehousing is likely to be an issue.

I think it's more that it's complicated - the OP has three children to consider, not just her son. Her son is vulnerable due to him possibly becoming homeless and his autism, her younger children are vulnerable because of their age (being under 18) and how her son behaves when he's home (regardless of how much that behaviour is a choice or not). The OP has said she'd have him home if it weren't for the affect on her two younger children. She also said she's tried to help him search for another place but he's refused that help. She's not abandoning him, she's still supporting him to the extent that he's allowing her to. But she is in a no-win situation as the needs and wants of her three children aren't compatible.

The needs of all members of the family are important though. The son has autism, that does not make the needs of the daughters any less than his, they're different needs. it sounds like the son moving in would have a serious impact on the mental health of others in the Household. There's no winner in this situation. But the OP can do the best they can to support the needs of everyone. Supporting the needs of one shouldn't be at the expense of everyone.

OP he’s manipulating you by the sounds of it. I have a brother in his mid 30s who does the same, refuses to get a proper job or flat but also refuses to pay towards bills at my mums because he’s not earned enough. Can’t handle the demands of real life and then sighs and says he’ll just live in his tent on the street.
Autistic Individuals aren’t all poor souls who just need everyone to bend over backwards for them, sometimes someone just isn’t a very good person and will take the mick no matter what you do. I say that as someone whose whole entire family is autistic.

You mean your siblings have learned to bury their true feelings so as not to upset you? They’ll possibly end up in dv relationships because they’ve been taught that their own feelings don’t matter and that abusive words don’t really mean anything (except they do). How sad.