I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

If this is so, then you should help him find another place to live for the sake of yours and your family's sanity.

You must consider your DDs first, because they are minors and need you and he obviously does not.

You may have to speak to someone who is able to help you professionally.

Let him do that. It will be uncomfortable for him, but it may give him the impetus to find somewhere to live.

If you help him, you may be ruining your DDs peaceful life. They will be insecure. They are unable to defend themselves if he turns to bullying them to get his way again, if you give him his way now.

Do you think he is on drugs? If he is, then he will take anything in the house from you and your DDs to buy them, and you will never recover from that.

Let him move back but with rules, he gets support with his ADHD and autism, he pays rent, he does jobs. It’s then his choice whether to accept these rules or find a room somewhere else.

But then if (when) he doesn't do any of those things, the OP has to actually evict him from her home, which is highly unlikely to actually happen.

So then the other kids suffer, which is what she's trying to avoid - and the son doesn't actually sort himself out either! Lose lose!

This would worry me OP. The mental health crisis for young men, especially those with autism, is REAL.

I would let him come home and find room. Do you have a dining room you could convert to a bedroom or use the living room for a short time? On the understanding he needs to be up and the living room returned to living room status by e.g. 8am every day?

Your DD are sensitive but they should understand their brother has autism and tact can be lacking.

I would suggest a 3 month basis with a caveat something more permanent needs to be in place after that.

It's your DDs home but also your DSs

You are being blackmailed. No. No. No. Be the supportive parent you have always been - but do not let him return home. Think of the others - and value yourself.

Often people will find it easier to listen to a non family member about the need to take meds and accept help etc. So it may be worth OP looking into local support maybe NAS or MENCAP. If a support worker could build a relationship with him they might be able to persuade him to try meds and re apply for PIP etc.

I think our job as parents is to prepare our children to live as independently as possible and to be become the best version of themselves while providing unconditional love and strong boundaries.
With your son, I’d break it into small tasks. Focus on the positive. He’s living and working independently and has a strong work ethic. I’d give him lots of praise and kudos for that.
His current set up is a mess so perhaps he starts by breaking the tidying and cleaning into small tasks. Make a list. Tick them off. Can the whole family go over one weekend and help him improve his environment?

If he gets aggressive or won’t participate, stop and explain you’ll be back to help when he’s happy to join in.
Keep trying until it is done. Then set a list of weekly tasks he needs to do to keep on top of it. Explain that everyone has a responsibility to themselves and their neighbours to keep their environment clean and organised.
Next tackle his personal care, diet etc. Is there a sport or exercise he enjoys? Could you or DH or one of his siblings or friends go with him to this activity and support him or join in with him?
He is unpopular at work and has few friends. Is there a hobby he loves where he can hang out with like-minded people and adapt his social skills? Can you help him to verbalise and understand why he has difficulty with relationships? Can you encourage and help him with friendships? Is there a charity or therapy he can access to help him with his social contacts?
He has no qualifications and does not like his job but has a great work ethic. Is there a better job for him, one that makes better use of his skills or that he would enjoy more? Could he work towards a practical qualification in his spare time?
I’d lean into the thing he likes and the things that bring him joy. I’d try to incorporate family time with him outside of the home - a family trip to the cinema or for food or a weekly takeaway at his (now clean) home. Can you take him on holiday for a week?
Basically, set firm boundaries about moving back in to the family home. That’s not possible and would be a retrograde step. But ensure he feels loved and included whenever possible. Is there wider family that can also help you support him.
Lots of young people earn badly at first and living independently is a huge shock to the system but he deserves praise for this. He may not have a lot of spare cash but he has enough to support himself. Make sure he understands this and that he has to remain self-sufficient. There is no magic money tree. Work gives him a sense of purpose and routine so that must be protected at all costs.
It’s a long slow road, OP, but he’s done brilliantly moving out and staying employed. Remind him frequently of this. Do everything you can to support him in his current circumstances. Don’t give in to blackmail. Point out the consequences of his choices and explain that while you will always support him emotionally and love him unconditionally, we all have to live with the consequences of our choices. Explain exactly what you can and can’t do for him going forward and let the decision be his. He’s an adult, and while he needs as much support as you can give him, he needs to be allowed to choose for himself. Good luck.

@JustMarriedBecca Would he really move out if asked to though? I think it's highly unlikely.

I think this is an unfair comment, he's an adult, able to hold down a job, learned to drive and did live independently for a year. The OP said he'd been aggressive towards his 2 younger sisters so why should he be given preferential treatment over his sisters? He would be making 4 other people unhappy/worried by returning so why is the OP the baddie in this?

If I asked someone to move out and they didn't then I'd be changing the locks.

Your DD are sensitive but they should understand their brother has autism and tact can be lacking

We're not talking about lacking tact. We are talking about previous aggressive behaviour and the privacy of minor females being invaded by a full grown adult male.

Autism or not, safeguarding minor children is the priority over and above an adult with full capacity.

Or he could follow the rules and they all live happily ever after.

No need to fail someone before they’ve been given the opportunity to try.

Absolutely shocking responses from people who obviously have never dealt with a severely autistic person. A very good friend at work has their autistic son still living with her at 25, didn’t once cross her mind to abandon him despite it taking over her life.

No, he is not blackmailing anyone, no he is not bullying his sisters. He’s mentally ill and doesn’t know how what he’s doing impacts other people.

He’s clearly not capable of living independently, and no landlord or tenants would want him in their house any more than you do.

He’s your child and you need to care for him. Unless you basically want to disown him and cut him out of your lives. It’s not your fault he’s like he is, but unfortunately it is your problem.

Nope, he's mid twenties; if you let him come back he'll never leave. Why should you and your family put up with an aggressive, untidy, destructive man?

Don’t have him back. You’ll end up with your other children having to leave home earlier than they should and they will distance from you because you have prioritised him over everyone else.
he is living independently, support him to continue and ignore all the emotional blackmail about living in his car. There are options, he needs to face them. He works and drives and needs to continue to progress .

@givedogbone

Absolutely shocking responses from people who obviously have never dealt with a severely autistic person.

OP's son isn’t "severely autistic". He is working, can drive, and has been able to live independently, albeit some aspects of those things are hard. That isn't severe autism. I would agree with you if he also had learning disabilities and/or other complex needs and lacked capacity and OP was washing her hands of him, but that's not the case here at all. Even if he did have severe autism, if it wasn't safe for the younger children in the house to have him there, OP would have to find other care for him to keep the younger siblings safe. Otherwise is she not effectively abandoning them?

He may well be struggling with his mental health, but nobody here has said OP should abandon him or disown him. Most people have said OP should support him in other ways while he continues to live outside the family home, which is common sense.

Have you got a spare room downstairs that you could turn into being his, leaving DDs where they are?

If he won't improve his attitude and behaviour, how can you reaĺly be expected to have him back?

Don’t have him back. Instead support him as best you can by enabling him and helping him find alternative living accommodation. Go to Citizens Advice to see what help he could get with his issues. Maybe he could change his job or learn a trade.

He won't get pip. It is a huge form to fill in and very stressful in itself, which set my son (aspergers) off on several meltdowns. The fact he can drive, can navigate life (to a certain extent) and holds down a job means in general he is able to be independent. I totally empathise with OP. The flying off the handle and temper tantrums can last for days. And frighten me. Also physical aggression and he's a big chunky lad. How about anger management referral? Try and tackle each area of his disruptive behaviour separately? No solutions for you (sadly) or I'd have taken them on myself. I would praise his getting and retaining employment tho'. Even if not his ideal role, it keeps him 'out of trouble'!

My dd isn’t severely autistic. She’s going to university in September. But that’s all she will be able to do. She will I’ll be overwhelmed or exhausted by public transport, socialising, cooking. She’s classed as high functioning. And the pyschologist who assessed her told us that the emotional development of ND is a third behind the rest of their peers. So if OP’s son is say 24. That means he is functioning at about 16 years of age.

Having said that l still don’t think op should have him back, but there is a lot of misunderstanding of ASD people on here. They aren’t like NT, they do get overwhelmed and all will struggle in some areas of life even if they are OK in others.

I'm well aware, I'm autistic and used to do autism and ADHD assessments myself. I'm not like NTs either, and nor are my DC, and we are often made painfully aware of it! The whole "ND emotional age" thing is subjective, and depends on the young person, upbringing, etc. It isn’t a hard and fast rule that can be applied to all autistic folks. It did used to annoy me when the psychs I worked with would say stuff like that, because there's not sufficient evidence to substantiate it. Autism research is overwhelmingly done on middle class white boys, it lacks the diversity to speak for women, girls and differences in background, ethnicity, etc. But clinicians repeat this stuff as if it's gospel and it isn't. But here endeth the autistic soap box for the day. Back on topic.

If you read what I said, I didn't suggest that autistic people with fewer support needs don't struggle with anything. Adulting is hard - I'm 47 and it still is some days. The poster I was responding to was suggesting OP's son a) had severe autism and b) can't be held responsible for what he does, which he a) doesn't and b) isn't accurate.

I don't doubt uni might be challenging, and exhausting at times, but I also would venture to suggest that you probably wouldn't find it acceptable for your daughter to lash out unprovoked at a housemate because she was exhausted from a bus journey, for example, as I wouldn't for my almost uni aged autistic DS.

I think you have to consider your younger daughters in all this. They are not adults and don’t have the ability to make decisions themselves about their living arrangements. By letting your ds move back in, you are putting them at risk.

I know it sounds harsh, but unless you have the space and money to build a separate house/annex for him then he needs to stand on his own two feet. At the moment he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into letting him move back in, by saying he’ll sleep in his car. No one in the uk should ever be homeless and you’ve given him help, just not the sort he wants.

No not at all. I wouldn’t let her do it!

But she’s a gentle soul really. She just cries all the time.😣