I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I?

[nomorecheesyjokes]

I have 2 teenagers living at home and a son in his mid 20s who moved out a year ago.
He is autistic and is struggling to find his way, he has a job, which he hates, minimum wage but he’s not academic so has no qualifications.
His tenancy is up and he has to leave but is struggling to find another room he likes and really just wants to come home, I think he’s finding it all overwhelming and if he was an only child we’d probably accept he is better at home but he has a bit of an aggressive streak and is quite intimidating to his sisters as he can be quite loud and struggles with boundaries such as not barging in their room or making unwanted comments which are hurtful.

We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.
We have slowly decorated the house throughout since he’s been gone as he has a tendency to spoil things which since ds has moved out has looked much cleaner and tidy as he was not the cleanest.

I feel torn now between having him back and the house being ruined in next to no time, he will upset his sisters because he doesn’t understand tact and they are very sensitive, Dh and I will be back to arguing about his mess but - it would be a lot of stress off ds shoulders, he doesn’t have any friends and stays in all the time when not working and is a very dominating presence, he also makes lots of work for me as he is messy and a hoarder.
What would you do in this situation? We thought he’d be fine with his own room but he’s not really and it will greatly impact our daughters if he comes back as they struggled to live with him before and the constant squabbling between them has stopped and they have become closer living apart and a lot happier.

Bless her. It is a tough business growing up ND in a NT world and especially if you have a high sensitivity ND profile. Best of luck to your DD with uni and I hope she finds a lovely ND tribe who will look out for each other.

Well like it or not, he's an adult who as you say holds down a job so needs to find somewhere to live. I'd insist of helping him find another room in a shared house but invite him over a couple of evenings each week for a meal and again at the weekend one of the days so he knows he's loved and wanted around. Tell him you've given the bedroom he slept in to his sister now so he can't have the room back as it's being used. He won't pick being homeless and sleeping in his car over a safe room. I'd help him out with bond if necessary though.

So they all have live a life of hell? His parents are trying to support him in every way possible. I'm sure the OP doesn't need you guiltripping her, the way he is. I'm sure she is beating herself up having to choose between the happiness of her son and that of herself and the rest of the household. Should they all just live their lives walking on eggshells and in fear of anger bouts and verbal abuse?

Pish posh. This young man will unlikely see beyond himself. Ever! He is not stupid. He just sounds like he pretends he is for the sympathy vote and to guiltrip his poor mother

Yes - it may be a reason but it’s never an excuse.

Well that sounds like emotional black mail on his behalf if he won’t accept your help.

Go onto Facebook and look up the support group ‘Fightback for Justice’. They are AMAZING at helping genuine disabled people get the benefits they are entntiled to. They are a free advice service but for a fee will help you fill in forms, check them for you etc. They are a non profit CIC and run by a solicitor called Michelle. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Ignore the posters who say that you must love your daughters more, value a tidy home more than you son etc. Unless you have lived day in , day out with an autistic person with ADHD you have no idea whatsoever of the chaos that they can cause. The mess! The stuff left in bedroom! The demands for privacy but when you dare to venture in the bedroom to look for all of your teaspoons/forks etc it’s almost like you need a hazmat suit!
My advice - don’t have him back. He’s manipulating you ( some autistic people are very very good at this in order to get their own way) to get what he wants without a thought of what your daughters need or you and his dad.
Contact every agency/charity you can to get him support and to help him get social housing or supported housing. If he comes back he will never leave.

l know you love him. I know you want the best for him and I know you won’t abandon him - so give him as much support as you can but tell him he is an adult and has to learn to live independently from you as you won’t always be here.
People don’t understand that with an autistic child the support, the emotional/financial help never ever ends and is much much more than a NT child needs. It’s non stop and utterly draining. It’s such hard work.
We do it because we are their mum and we love them but we have to teach them how to be independant as one day we won’t be here to run their lives/do everything for them and so it’s vital they learn. Cruel to be kind but it has to be done.
Good luck sweetheart.

He was accommodated there before. Not long ago, in fact.

I really feel for this guy and can’t imagine how it must feel to be struggling so much plus have your entire family not want you just to come home.

Working in a city and walking past young men sleeping rough every day just really gets to me.

Anyway, I hope the OP and her family can work out a solution that means everyone has stability.

Did you miss the bit where the OP said they had to repair damage he had caused? I'm sure said damage wasn't caused by dropping a cotton wool ball 🙄

Do you mean ‘We have spent a small fortune in repairing his old room, new carpet, repaint and fixing broken doors and holes in walls and have given the room to our dd who previously shared with her sister.’

Doesn’t read like smashing things up (or have I missed a post?). Very normal to redecorate when someone moves out. I did this when eldest moved out.

Does the OP not have a duty of care to her daughters then? They are minors in case you didn't catch that? What happens if tge OP takes your advice and her girls run away together cos they can no longer cope? Then OP and DH split because of a volatile son living in their home whilst they are searching for their girls. Then OP has a nervous breakdown, because she is living with the guilt of 2 missing children, a husband who has left with his own grief and a DS who is making her daily life more hell than it is already.

Excuse me for not thinking your route is the right route 🤪

OP, nothing that I have said was meant to upset you if I have, but I'm sure part of you has asked yourself some of these questions xxhugsxx Sometimes you cannot help someone that will not help themselves, even with love and support x

Did you miss "fixing broken doors and holes in walls", @PrettyPuss? Do you class that as normal after someone moves out?

I'm sorry but despite his problems he sounds very manipulative- you can't ruin everyone's lives by letting him back because he is using emotional blackmail. He is obviously reasonably capable, and is quite able to deal with people if he finds emotional blackmail so easy.
You would be doing him no favours letting him come back home and do nothing the moment he encounters problems- he will never lead an independent life if you allow him to manipulate you like this, money problems are a part of life- he has to get used to that.
I don't think you should hang everything on the idea he is autistic, he is probably on the spectrum somewhere- but so are most people, he sounds more paranoid than autistic-being aggressive and making off colour jokes doesn't sound like autism to me (my brother is autistic) has he had a formal diagnosis, and if so why doesn't he accept it?
Support him, as far as you can, but don't let him back home, you love him, but you love the rest of your family too- and they will all be unhappy if you give in.
He is not trying to overcome his problems because he knows you will rush in and save him, time to disappoint him I'm afraid.

Can you apply again? Often here where I live they will deny you first, but if you persist they will finally give disability benefits.

This sounds quite manipulative. He's going to put himself on the streets because he knows then you'll have him home.

I don’t know enough about autism, but in the current circumstances taking him back will mean: stressful living environment for the rest of the family, no opportunity for him to grow and learn, potentially he’ll be stuck living with you forever.

nobody wins!

But, he clearly needs help. He’s in his 20s and has not yet learnt to manage his condition.

A previous poster mentioned medication. I would second that. Get a referral to a psychiatrist and to adult social services. Get him ongoing support from a medical and psychological perspective. Is there an autism friendly social group he could join?

He needs your help, but not for housing.

Kindly this. You need to also protect your daughters.

This sounds really hard, OP.

I think he might be trying to manipulate you into letting him move back with all that homeless talk but if you don’t let him come back you need to be prepared to let that happen because he might take it right to the wire. Agree with many other posters that he may find it hard but he has to learn to look after himself - you won’t be around forever and the longer he stays with you, the harder it will be to get used to standing on his own two feet when he’s older. And that’s before you’ve factored in DDs’ very real needs. Definitely better for everyone if he remains fully independent.

He's able to live independently and hold down a job, why does he need benefits?

If he can learn to drive, hold down a job and live independently he is not severely autistic

You definitely missed the bit where he burned the carpet with a iron

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

I do actually

All three of my dses have moved out, @PrettyPuss (though one has moved back in), and we have not even had to redecorate their rooms once they'd left - never mind fixing broken doors and holes in the wall!

In what world is breaking doors and leaving holes in the walls 'normal wear and tear'?? And I would say that the fact they had to spend a fortune fixing this damage would seem to suggest that it is more than just minor damage - holes from drawing pins, for example.

Being autistic doesn’t give him a get out of jail free card

if he can’t live in the family home without damaging it and stressing everyone else including the other chikdren then he is too severely autistic to live in the family home