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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let DH read my Instagram messages?

206 replies

Cooktop64 · 10/06/2025 05:33

Some time ago, I used DH’s phone to log into instagram, so I could look up the work of a tattoo artist mum I met at soft play. I forgot to log out, and I’ve been away for work for a while.

DH told me tonight that he had deleted the app off his phone because he felt the intense urge to snoop (not because of any sort of suspicion, but because of curiosity, which I completely understand… if I’m being honest, I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.)

I responded “I appreciate that. I’m not sure you would have found very much interesting, other than my conversation with [school team mate and early casual sex partner] and an attempt to start a conversation with [school crush who family-zoned me, whom I kept having dreams about, for some reason, and I was trying to figure out why].”

He replied that it probably goes back pretty far, and who knows what I was up to, and that he kind of wanted to re-download the app. I told him we could read through it together when I got home, and he said “It’s probably a lot of reading, but maybe we could do that.”

I honestly don’t remember everything that’s on there. I have no way of logging in to look, as I have settings on my phone to help me manage my social media addiction that prevents me from doing so. I’m a little bit worried I may have said something negative about him to a friend or family member, or said something that might invite suspicion if I can’t provide adequate context or the correct timeline for lack of memory…

On the other hand? I think it might bring us closer, for him to see all that and know me more deeply, and it might be nice to clear out any skeletons in my closet. Maybe I revisit some not-so-nice memories from my past, with his care and support, and it would be healing for me. Maybe we find dumb things to laugh about together. And if we don’t read through it together, will he succumb to temptation and read it without any context at all, and not be able to talk to me in order to assuage negative feelings about it without admitting to snooping?

Is it dumb to go through with this? Should I rescind the offer to read through it with him, or say “fuck it” and full send it anyway?

YABU - don’t let him read it
YANBU - read it with him

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 10/06/2025 05:38

This is so bizarre and I’m worried you think this is normal? Having the urge to look is I think normal, but you worrying about the context of messages and his reaction… it doesn’t seem normal. You don’t have to let this man read all your messages, that’s not being open that’s him testing you to see if you pass.

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2025 05:53

Yeah, I don't think we have the same ideas about boundaries or privacy op. I would never be ok with this level of intrusion in my relationship

Original poster
Cooktop64 · 10/06/2025 05:58

OrangeSlices998 · 10/06/2025 05:38

This is so bizarre and I’m worried you think this is normal? Having the urge to look is I think normal, but you worrying about the context of messages and his reaction… it doesn’t seem normal. You don’t have to let this man read all your messages, that’s not being open that’s him testing you to see if you pass.

I don’t think it’s “normal” but I also don’t think there’s any nefarious intent, if that makes sense? Like it’s normal for DH and I, but we’re both weirdos

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 10/06/2025 06:03

I have nothing on my social media that I'd be unhappy for DH to read but I'd find it weird if he wanted to go through it all with me.

Are you going to go through all of his social media at the same time or is this just a one way examination?

LillyPJ · 10/06/2025 06:05

I can't think of many things more boring than reading through years of someone else's messages, especially if they are going to explain the context of them. It sounds like he's not that bothered. He did the right thing deleting the app - digging up old stuff isn't always helpful. Just forget about the whole thing.

Divebar2021 · 10/06/2025 06:09

This is so so odd. You’ve completely put yourself on trial here. My mum presented me with a bag of letters and photos from a boyfriend I had when I was in my 20’s. I didn’t particularly want them myself and I certainly did not think of reading them with my DH so he could understand me more. I am not that person. Delete them and move on and if there’s any “healing”!to be done find a good therapist.

BlueMum16 · 10/06/2025 06:09

No way would I do this.

Absolutely nothing to hide but this is wrong on so many levels. It will not bring you closer it will drive you apart.

You already remember there are two chats with exs. No matter how casual. That should remain private.

SingWithMeJustForToday · 10/06/2025 06:15

Nope. And I wonder how the people you were having private chats with would feel about this…

To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.

That seems really disordered thinking.

MonTuesWeds · 10/06/2025 06:23

This is a terrible idea and would likely cause untold damage

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 10/06/2025 06:30

You're opening a can of worms for no reason. He WILL find something to be upset about and then have you walking on eggshells pleading forgiveness for something you did years ago that's nothing to do with him. Don't do it.

MyIvyGrows · 10/06/2025 06:32

He will use whatever he finds as a stick to beat you with. Might not be immediately but it will happen.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 10/06/2025 06:32

My relationship boundaries with my DH include having all of each others passwords and being able to read messages as we like. The only rule is that we can't read any messages that are between us and our parents as that should be a safe space for support.

It works for us and has done for 11 years now. In the beginning we both looked semi regularly but it's been a couple of years now since either of us have.

Sometimes just opening everything up in a casual way and not making it a big deal really builds trust. If it became toxic and he gave you a hard time about harmless things. Thst would be different... But as a once off (or very occasionally) I would expect my DH to let me read through and I would do the same.

There does need to be boundaries though. We understand that having a vent to friends is normal so we wouldn't get pissed off over that (but then we aren't the types to say nasty things about each other).

I would have a discussion beforehand laying out some rules to ensure this doesn't go crazy.

I also think it's slightly odd to go back further than you have been together. Unless this is something you also want to do.

Oh and I would NEVER allow him to read chats with exes. That is not only asking for trouble, but also a level of intimate violation for both parties. Not okay.
You really, really shouldn't do that.

IberianBlackout · 10/06/2025 06:32

If I were him I’d be more weirded out that you’re still holding on to chats with former FWBs or crushes. Unless we’re talking like the depths of your inbox that you’d really, really have to scroll to find.

A quick check every now and then is fine imo, but sitting down together and going through chats is odd. Mine would just be explaining an endless back and forth of memes.

LavenderBlue19 · 10/06/2025 06:34

This would be deeply weird. You are allowed privacy and an inner world and friendships that he is not part of.

Tangelablue · 10/06/2025 06:39

LillyPJ · 10/06/2025 06:05

I can't think of many things more boring than reading through years of someone else's messages, especially if they are going to explain the context of them. It sounds like he's not that bothered. He did the right thing deleting the app - digging up old stuff isn't always helpful. Just forget about the whole thing.

Was just thinking the same. To me this would be as boring as watching paint dry. If my OH suggested spending our evening going through his old messengers I would think he had lost his mind and would decline. Would much rather watch something good on TV.
And as another poster mentioned op, it's the privacy of the friends you have had conversations with which isn't being respected also.

Mymanyellow · 10/06/2025 06:39

He is absolutely going to find something, however innocuous to pick at. You’re opening a can of worms.

Katkins17 · 10/06/2025 06:44

Sorry, but as dedicated as I am to my partner and our relationship, he wouldn’t be reading my messages.

every relationships deserve privacy. It doesn’t mean you’re keeping anything from them, but maintaining boundaries.

Coconutter24 · 10/06/2025 06:45

I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that

🤦‍♀️

So when you come across messages from a past sexual partner you mention, how well do you think that is going to go?

Mauro711 · 10/06/2025 06:57

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 10/06/2025 06:32

My relationship boundaries with my DH include having all of each others passwords and being able to read messages as we like. The only rule is that we can't read any messages that are between us and our parents as that should be a safe space for support.

It works for us and has done for 11 years now. In the beginning we both looked semi regularly but it's been a couple of years now since either of us have.

Sometimes just opening everything up in a casual way and not making it a big deal really builds trust. If it became toxic and he gave you a hard time about harmless things. Thst would be different... But as a once off (or very occasionally) I would expect my DH to let me read through and I would do the same.

There does need to be boundaries though. We understand that having a vent to friends is normal so we wouldn't get pissed off over that (but then we aren't the types to say nasty things about each other).

I would have a discussion beforehand laying out some rules to ensure this doesn't go crazy.

I also think it's slightly odd to go back further than you have been together. Unless this is something you also want to do.

Oh and I would NEVER allow him to read chats with exes. That is not only asking for trouble, but also a level of intimate violation for both parties. Not okay.
You really, really shouldn't do that.

Edited

Does your friends know that the things they share with you gets shared with your husband too? If not, you need to tell them. I wouldn’t want my friend’s husbands to know everything that I share with my friends. He may well share that information further.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 10/06/2025 07:00

Mauro711 · 10/06/2025 06:57

Does your friends know that the things they share with you gets shared with your husband too? If not, you need to tell them. I wouldn’t want my friend’s husbands to know everything that I share with my friends. He may well share that information further.

Show quote history

We both delete any very personal messages that a friend shares in confidence.
But yes, any friends that would share personal things knows that he looks occasionally. Most of my friends do the same in their relationships too, I'm surprised on this thread that it is so uncommon.

I would rather an open arrangement of knowing we can each look, than someone snooping (which happens ALL the time on MN).

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 10/06/2025 07:07

I’d be really upset if I found my messages with my friends were being snooped at by their partners. It’s so inappropriate.

TourangaLeila · 10/06/2025 07:10

This is really really weird.

usedtobeaylis · 10/06/2025 07:11

What happens after that? Where do you draw the line?

Mauro711 · 10/06/2025 07:14

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 10/06/2025 07:00

We both delete any very personal messages that a friend shares in confidence.
But yes, any friends that would share personal things knows that he looks occasionally. Most of my friends do the same in their relationships too, I'm surprised on this thread that it is so uncommon.

I would rather an open arrangement of knowing we can each look, than someone snooping (which happens ALL the time on MN).

Show quote history

I guess if you your choice is to allow someone to snoop through your private conversations or having someone sneakily snoop through them, giving permission is going to make you feel better. An even better option is to allow each other to keep your private conversations private. I have honestly never felt the urge to snoop through a partner’s phone or computer. It’s none of my business and a huge invasion of privacy.

2catsandhappy · 10/06/2025 07:22

You are handing him the stick to beat you with.
He absolutely will find something that will niggle away at him.
Don't do it @Cooktop64
You are at the top of a slippery slope and still have a chance to save yourself the misery this 'sharing' will cause.

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