To let DH read my Instagram messages?

[Cooktop64]

Some time ago, I used DH’s phone to log into instagram, so I could look up the work of a tattoo artist mum I met at soft play. I forgot to log out, and I’ve been away for work for a while.

DH told me tonight that he had deleted the app off his phone because he felt the intense urge to snoop (not because of any sort of suspicion, but because of curiosity, which I completely understand… if I’m being honest, I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.)

I responded “I appreciate that. I’m not sure you would have found very much interesting, other than my conversation with [school team mate and early casual sex partner] and an attempt to start a conversation with [school crush who family-zoned me, whom I kept having dreams about, for some reason, and I was trying to figure out why].”

He replied that it probably goes back pretty far, and who knows what I was up to, and that he kind of wanted to re-download the app. I told him we could read through it together when I got home, and he said “It’s probably a lot of reading, but maybe we could do that.”

I honestly don’t remember everything that’s on there. I have no way of logging in to look, as I have settings on my phone to help me manage my social media addiction that prevents me from doing so. I’m a little bit worried I may have said something negative about him to a friend or family member, or said something that might invite suspicion if I can’t provide adequate context or the correct timeline for lack of memory…

On the other hand? I think it might bring us closer, for him to see all that and know me more deeply, and it might be nice to clear out any skeletons in my closet. Maybe I revisit some not-so-nice memories from my past, with his care and support, and it would be healing for me. Maybe we find dumb things to laugh about together. And if we don’t read through it together, will he succumb to temptation and read it without any context at all, and not be able to talk to me in order to assuage negative feelings about it without admitting to snooping?

Is it dumb to go through with this? Should I rescind the offer to read through it with him, or say “fuck it” and full send it anyway?

YABU - don’t let him read it
YANBU - read it with him

This relationship sounds very teenaged. ‘OMG, we are so obsessed with each other! Even our dreams are fascinating! Everyone else is a supporting character in the story of our lurve!’ It’s quite funny.

OP, as you are allegedly blissfully happy with your festival of navel gazing and solipsism, what is it that you’d like from us? Were you just in search of an audience?

I'm quite confused why the past would be of any interest to anyone else. I mean I've kept a whole bunch of things but I can't imagine them being of interest.

If you want to understand yourself and your past, go to therapy. Don't try and understand it with a partner- they aren't objective nor a professional.

I rewrite the story of my past constantly in my head as I discover more in my present about myself.
Sure I will sometimes chat about it so there's no secrecy, I've never forgotten my past and I think openness is important but what actually matters is living in the moment.

This is so weird and tbh I've stopped messaging friends before if they said their partners read their messages as feels like a violation for whoever is talking to you - why does he get to read your mates messages it's just weird and rude

I mean, just who has the time to be doing this?!

I assume they don’t have kids as otherwise they wouldn’t have time for all this navel gazing and angst!

It all sounds very teenage and possessive.... a recipe for disaster :/

If you're both into it, fine, but it will be guaranteed to cause arguments, bad feelings, bitter attitudes...

Why are you inviting drama into your relationship so obviously? Don't you have better things to do together?

She said upthread they have a child.

I DON’T have kids, but still wouldn’t have the time or energy for someone who constantly wanted to know what I was thinking or to unpack my social media messaging going back to the year dot.

This is really bizarre behaviour.

Why would you bring up and read messages from years and years ago when it is not relevant?

Not to mention that you are potentially breaching trust of the other person involved in those messages - again, for no reason.

No good can possibly come of this.

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

There’s nothing wrong with a little introspection. It can be really helpful, you know

Is it helping you?

Family-zoning is like friend-zoning, except the person doing the zoning feels that the relationship between you and them is familial in nature. So, for example, if you feel like a man is like a brother to you and he tries to make a move, and you shut him down and told him “I could never; you’re like a brother to me,” you family-zoned him.

No, I don’t get blocked very often

No, lol. I’ve been doing dream interpretation all my life; DH told me what his therapist said about dreams after he had been having nightmares and talked with his therapist about them.

Of course. It helps me to self regulate, to be who I want to be, and to steer my life in the direction I want it to go. There is no self-actualization without introspection.

😂😂😂

And people don’t block you very often? You’re confident about this?

Certain.

People in real life aren’t the way they are on Mumsnet. At least not the ones I keep for company.

We're doomed.

What a lot of old bobbins.

So 90% said you’re unreasonable. Still get the vibe you’re going to do it anyway, OP.

Anything else?

Nice I suppose that he didn’t snoop when he had the chance

I don’t think it’s nice or intimate to read old messages I would not want to see my OH moaning about me to a friend I’d be upset and no amount of context would make that ok ever

and even though i know they have loved someone before me id definitely not want to read those !!!

can of worms best left firmly shut

@pimplebum

I would not want to see my OH moaning about me to a friend I’d be upset and no amount of context would make that ok ever

You wouldn’t be able to just see it as a grievance or feedback within your relationship, and just talk it out with each other ?

Only on mumsnet would you ever read something as strange as “introspection bad!”

So why would you bring this issue to MN if you don't think it's the right forum for it?

Maybe better to ask your real life friends about this issue then, if we’re not your sort of people.