To let DH read my Instagram messages?

[Cooktop64]

Some time ago, I used DH’s phone to log into instagram, so I could look up the work of a tattoo artist mum I met at soft play. I forgot to log out, and I’ve been away for work for a while.

DH told me tonight that he had deleted the app off his phone because he felt the intense urge to snoop (not because of any sort of suspicion, but because of curiosity, which I completely understand… if I’m being honest, I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.)

I responded “I appreciate that. I’m not sure you would have found very much interesting, other than my conversation with [school team mate and early casual sex partner] and an attempt to start a conversation with [school crush who family-zoned me, whom I kept having dreams about, for some reason, and I was trying to figure out why].”

He replied that it probably goes back pretty far, and who knows what I was up to, and that he kind of wanted to re-download the app. I told him we could read through it together when I got home, and he said “It’s probably a lot of reading, but maybe we could do that.”

I honestly don’t remember everything that’s on there. I have no way of logging in to look, as I have settings on my phone to help me manage my social media addiction that prevents me from doing so. I’m a little bit worried I may have said something negative about him to a friend or family member, or said something that might invite suspicion if I can’t provide adequate context or the correct timeline for lack of memory…

On the other hand? I think it might bring us closer, for him to see all that and know me more deeply, and it might be nice to clear out any skeletons in my closet. Maybe I revisit some not-so-nice memories from my past, with his care and support, and it would be healing for me. Maybe we find dumb things to laugh about together. And if we don’t read through it together, will he succumb to temptation and read it without any context at all, and not be able to talk to me in order to assuage negative feelings about it without admitting to snooping?

Is it dumb to go through with this? Should I rescind the offer to read through it with him, or say “fuck it” and full send it anyway?

YABU - don’t let him read it
YANBU - read it with him

Each to their own. As I said, it's worked very well for us for over 11 years and most of my friends who are in happy marriages have similar understandings.

Whatever works and makes everyone feel comfortable is the way to go. You wouldn't feel comfortable so it obviously isn't for you, which is fine.

That is so weird and tbh I find it a little difficult to believe that there would be a whole friendship group reading their partners messages

Surely that is not normal

It’s not “each to their own” when you’re breaking your friends privacy every time they message you, though. Unless you’re crystal clear from the beginning that your DH reads all their messages?

I also find this incredibly inappropriate. You're breaching the confidence of everyone who's messaged you to satisfy your partners desire to pry on you. This is risky on many levels. I think it's too late now that you've said it but you really need to reflect on why you agreed to this and why he wants to do it.

I agree. When I message my friends, I assume my messages are just to them. I would hate for them to be sharing things with their partners. Hopefully they are aware you do this.

Op I wouldn't, I don't see how a y good would come from it. It all sounds a bit strange to me to be honest.

This is not about a deep and meaningful relationship OP. This is about you getting your kicks in a very weird way. Your partner has been respectful. You seem to want to torture him emotionally.

As someone that recently read back through my own Facebook Messenger messages from years ago, this is a terrible idea. If nothing else you will realise how cringe worthy some of your conversations were. I dont recognise or respect my old messaging-self!

This is super weird. You read his texts to get to know him better? You want to sit and read through your old insta messages together? So weird. Don't do this.

I just wouldn't like it. Similarly, I don't think my friends who I've had personal conversations with would be thrilled about my DH trawling through them. You and your friends are allowed a level of privacy

I would imagine after reading a couple of bits it would get like watching 100s of someone else’s holiday photos, ie he’ll be glad you had a nice time but that’s enough now, shall we do something else?!

This is SO fucked up. Just because you've been doing it for 11 years doesn't make it any less toxic.

I don't know how your friendships work, but we are all really open about these sorts of things. We talk about our relationships in a lot of detail. I can honestly say that every woman I am close to reads her husband's messages (and he hers). Most of my close friends do so with consent (like I do) and a few dont.

We will all specifically say "please don't tell your DH about this" if it is something very personal and that is always respected either by just not saying something or deleting the message.

My DH and I will typically chat about our friends and any news, but we would always respect something private.

I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong and neither do my close friends, which is the most important thing really.

Everyone is free to conduct both their relationships and their friendships as they wish. As long as there is honesty amongst all involved.

This is the weirdest thing I have read on here in a while. There should be a ‘you are being bat shit’ option as well as a YABU and YANBU.

I have my old written diaries from my teenage years and letters from my first serious boyfriend, which I have kept in a box in the loft, along with lots of other random things from my youth. I would never in a million years sit down with my husband and read through them together!! 😱😱 Going through old messages from years before you met your husband on SM, is exactly the same thing! It's bizarre. You are opening yourself up, for your partner to find something to be upset with you over. Unfortunately, now you've agreed to it, turning around and saying you've changed your mind, will likely make him think you do have something to hide!!!! Either way, he's going to read something he won't like or believe you now have realised there's something to hide - you are now in a 'no win' situation.

We will all specifically say "please don't tell your DH about this" if it is something very personal and that is always respected either by just not saying something or deleting the message.

Whats the point of reading messages if you each know the other will delete anything your partner shouldn’t see? Is it pure nosiness?

Im so glad I have friends who respect themselves and their partners well enough to not allow this sort of invasion of privacy.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy so, what’s the point in having a policy where you can read each others messages when you admit yourself you would just delete ones he wasn’t allowed to see 🫣

There won’t be a point. Trust issues and rationality don’t come as a package.

I’m just interested to see the logic 😉

Me too😀

So you mentioned there were conversations with your early casual sex partner and high school crush you're dreaming about and that's what has made him want to look? If i'm reading it correctly, I don't know why you said that, I think it would make any partner curious. Anyone on here saying they wouldn't be curious is lying lol.

He had no interest beforehand and deleted the app.

Your worry about what he might find is what stikes me as odd. Are you scared or losing him or does he get angry?

Not a fucking chance would I let DP go through by phone.

Is there anything on there likely to upset her? No. But there's plenty of stuff that's none of her business.

There's the conversations with my best mate when she was going through her divorce, some deeply personal information there that she wouldn't want shared.

There's the fact that DD has come out to me but not yet to DP

There's conversations I had with my mother in the last few weeks of her life that I never want to share with another living soul.

I wouldn't want anyone reading my phone, any more than I'd want them reading my mind, it just feels utterly utterly wrong.

It will become
'You sounded much more into him than me"
You've never saìd things like that to me. Am I just convenient"
Cue lots of introverted sulking and you desperately trying to make him see that its a 'beautiful thing' that he got to see into your inner soul( chats with previous shags).
As the quote goes ....
"The past is for personal reference. We don't live there".

This sounds really unhealthy.

I think it’s incredibly telling that the examples you gave him were conversations with an old fuck buddy and someone you had a crush on school and were desperately trying to connect with. It genuinely sounds to me like you actually want to make your husband jealous and are craving drama/attention.

Apart from “Ooh, let’s have a cosy evening reading all my old private messages” being really fucking weird, and the fact that you apparently think snooping on each other is a cute way to become closer… what about the people who were on the other side of these conversations? If any of my friends or family showed the private conversations they’d had with me to their husbands, I’d think it was really cunty of them. You might not care about privacy, but there’s a good chance your friends do.

And yes, also this ⬆️

Thank you. That’s helpful advice