To let DH read my Instagram messages?

[Cooktop64]

Some time ago, I used DH’s phone to log into instagram, so I could look up the work of a tattoo artist mum I met at soft play. I forgot to log out, and I’ve been away for work for a while.

DH told me tonight that he had deleted the app off his phone because he felt the intense urge to snoop (not because of any sort of suspicion, but because of curiosity, which I completely understand… if I’m being honest, I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.)

I responded “I appreciate that. I’m not sure you would have found very much interesting, other than my conversation with [school team mate and early casual sex partner] and an attempt to start a conversation with [school crush who family-zoned me, whom I kept having dreams about, for some reason, and I was trying to figure out why].”

He replied that it probably goes back pretty far, and who knows what I was up to, and that he kind of wanted to re-download the app. I told him we could read through it together when I got home, and he said “It’s probably a lot of reading, but maybe we could do that.”

I honestly don’t remember everything that’s on there. I have no way of logging in to look, as I have settings on my phone to help me manage my social media addiction that prevents me from doing so. I’m a little bit worried I may have said something negative about him to a friend or family member, or said something that might invite suspicion if I can’t provide adequate context or the correct timeline for lack of memory…

On the other hand? I think it might bring us closer, for him to see all that and know me more deeply, and it might be nice to clear out any skeletons in my closet. Maybe I revisit some not-so-nice memories from my past, with his care and support, and it would be healing for me. Maybe we find dumb things to laugh about together. And if we don’t read through it together, will he succumb to temptation and read it without any context at all, and not be able to talk to me in order to assuage negative feelings about it without admitting to snooping?

Is it dumb to go through with this? Should I rescind the offer to read through it with him, or say “fuck it” and full send it anyway?

YABU - don’t let him read it
YANBU - read it with him

I hardly delete anything unless it’s spam, not because I’m sentimental about it, but because I either CBA to clean out my inbox or I want to keep it ‘for my records’

The initial DMs with the FWB were probably kind of juicy, but then after we both were partnered they turned into “Your engagement photos are so cute!” “How is your family? What are you up to these days?” “Congrats on getting your degree!” “When do you think you’ll have kids?” Etc. with the odd very niche and specific reference to our school/sport/teammate/coach intermixed… Very tame. We haven’t spoken in over a year, at least.

With the crush, it was me more recently sending a pathetic message along the lines of “I did this thing today that we used to do as a team and thought of you. Remember that? Also, my mum said you had a kid…?” And he never responded. Which makes sense, given that he knew I had a big crush on him for several years and we’re both married now. But like I said, I had been dreaming about him, and I was trying to figure out what part of me he represents, and what the dreams meant, so I was hoping for a bit more of an interaction and catch-up sesh, you know?

I remember that much.

Jesus. This is wrong on all kinds of levels.

If I had a friend who shared my messages with their partner, I would no longer message that friend.

😂 That would be a fun option!

Sorry this is NOT typical. “Everyone reads their husband’s messages” - ummm no they do not!

Sorry but this is all just really bizarre and I can’t imagine ever have such long tedious chats (via text no less) with my husband about this.

It screams insecurity on one or both parts. Reading each others messages is not a normal thing to do, and really will not help you see each others inner lives or whatever weird thing you said about that.

Delete the app off his phone and stop reading his messages.

That would certainly be your choice. Luckily we all have free will within our friendships :)

Not sure whether I’m reading it wrong but it doesn’t sound as if he actually wants to read them. He felt the urge but deleted instead. Just leave it at that. Best case scenario- it’s really boring. Worst case- something in there causes issues.

I’ve never had any kind of urge to read through DH’s messages. I do however get the urge to peep over his arm when he’s messaging someone because I’m so nosey 🤣

I’m unsure how I feel about sitting to read through all your messages together. I see how it was be interesting perhaps to go back pre-relationship and see his attempts at chatting up any other women, purely for entertainment!

but otherwise I just think it’s a bit weird. Anything of any interest of importance that concerns him would have been passed to him anyway. Why does he want such a look into your private conversations?

I think he wants to look because he’s just purely curious. I was thinking to myself, if I could pause time and watch a movie of his life, both from his POV and third person POV, I would definitely watch it at least a couple times. It’s sort of like that. He asks me all kinds of questions about my life before we met.

He didn’t look yet out of principle, I think. He wants to be respectful in spite of his aching curiosity.

I have never once had a desire to read my husband’s emails or texts. My psycho ex used to regularly log in to mine and read them though.

What’s all this waffle of dreams about a crush and messaging them again?

Relationship sounds fucked up to me.

Red flags all over the place from you both.

This is mental.

Why on earth would you even say “oh there might be messages with former FWB and someone else I dream about”?

Diving into each others worlds by reading each others private messages and people letting their husbands read personal messages from their friends 🫣 feel like I’ve entered a weird alternative universe here. None of this is normal, if you don’t trust your partner and vice versa just leave. OP, you are wrong for even entertaining exes/FWB’s/old crushes anyway.

This is just bizarre. There’s a huge difference between idle curiosity and a really reading people private messages from months or years ago.

@Cooktop64 Can’t lie, if my partner was sending reminiscing messages to crushes (even with no sexual undertones) I wouldn’t be happy. At all.

This whole situation is weird.

Oh wow! This is seriously nuts. You sound completely obsessed with him. He’s just another human, just a bloke, he’s not a holy king. It’s rarely genuine or sustainable when people put others on such high pedestals.

I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.

WTF?

”Aching curiosity” also gave me the heave.

This is very weird, sorry. How do you know he's not reading convos with your parents or with exes, if he has your passwords? Or that he hasn't looked in a couple of years? And don't say trust- if you had that, you wouldn't need the passwords in the first place.

OP, I think what you're suggesting is very odd. I have nothing to hide if my DP happened to read my messages, but no way would I set aside time to sit him down for a guided tour. At best it would be very boring, at and worst someone will definitely find something that out of context would be upsetting to read.

Sending an old crush a message reminiscing and hoping for a reply because you've been dreaming about them is murky and dangerous behaviour as well.

With the crush, it was me more recently sending a pathetic message along the lines of “I did this thing today that we used to do as a team and thought of you. Remember that? Also, my mum said you had a kid…?” And he never responded. Which makes sense, given that he knew I had a big crush on him for several years and we’re both married now. But like I said, I had been dreaming about him, and I was trying to figure out what part of me he represents, and what the dreams meant, so I was hoping for a bit more of an interaction and catch-up sesh, you know?

Ok I see now when you and your "D"H don't trust each other.

If I were to read my husbands messages (which I have no inclination nor intention of doing as I can only imagine how mundane they are - much like mine 😂) they would be to his parents, his daughter, his mates and his hobby WhatsApp group.

Your husband would find messages to men you have shagged and have a crush on.

You're creating drama for nothing. Are you trying to make your husband jealous or something?

Regardless the whole thing is fucked and you're trying to justify it so crack on.

I really don't think he does want to be respectful. Respect would be accepting and acknowledging your earlier life and experiences without him, and not having to examine them in such a way.

Respect would also be not messaging your ex fuck buddy or "crush" behind your husbands back.

Well, quite!