To let DH read my Instagram messages?

[Cooktop64]

Some time ago, I used DH’s phone to log into instagram, so I could look up the work of a tattoo artist mum I met at soft play. I forgot to log out, and I’ve been away for work for a while.

DH told me tonight that he had deleted the app off his phone because he felt the intense urge to snoop (not because of any sort of suspicion, but because of curiosity, which I completely understand… if I’m being honest, I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.)

I responded “I appreciate that. I’m not sure you would have found very much interesting, other than my conversation with [school team mate and early casual sex partner] and an attempt to start a conversation with [school crush who family-zoned me, whom I kept having dreams about, for some reason, and I was trying to figure out why].”

He replied that it probably goes back pretty far, and who knows what I was up to, and that he kind of wanted to re-download the app. I told him we could read through it together when I got home, and he said “It’s probably a lot of reading, but maybe we could do that.”

I honestly don’t remember everything that’s on there. I have no way of logging in to look, as I have settings on my phone to help me manage my social media addiction that prevents me from doing so. I’m a little bit worried I may have said something negative about him to a friend or family member, or said something that might invite suspicion if I can’t provide adequate context or the correct timeline for lack of memory…

On the other hand? I think it might bring us closer, for him to see all that and know me more deeply, and it might be nice to clear out any skeletons in my closet. Maybe I revisit some not-so-nice memories from my past, with his care and support, and it would be healing for me. Maybe we find dumb things to laugh about together. And if we don’t read through it together, will he succumb to temptation and read it without any context at all, and not be able to talk to me in order to assuage negative feelings about it without admitting to snooping?

Is it dumb to go through with this? Should I rescind the offer to read through it with him, or say “fuck it” and full send it anyway?

YABU - don’t let him read it
YANBU - read it with him

Then ask these people with whom you keep company (and who definitely haven’t blocked you) about this? As we’ve established that the good folk of MN are not for you (and vice versa).

Introspection is useful, reflective self-examination done with purpose. Navel-gazing is immature, self-indulgent, and pointless. What you’re doing is the latter. And dressing it up as ‘we’re so kooky and in love, so sorry you guys don’t get it’ doesn’t change that.

I think you need to grow up.

Yeh. That’s what people are saying.

Are they saying anything different? All I said was that I interpret my dreams as a means of introspection (and hardly anything else about how I fill my time) but apparently that’s “navel gazing?”

You don’t find that preposterous in the least? I swear I can’t make things like this up. I post here because amongst the insane, hilarious responses, you get a few good nuggets of advice here and there.

It’s navel gazing to excuse messaging people you used to have a thing for or were actively fucking by waffling bullshit about dream interpretation and framing it as some kind of noble self reflection.

You sound immature, stunted, and stuck in the past.

You've said you're 29. Is he a lot older than you? This feels very much like there might be a large age gap.

how old are you both? why do you need to prove to your partner that there really is nothing secret on your social media?

I find this really creepy and sufficating, being in a relationship doesn't mean you can't have privacy, and I don't think over sharing builds anything healthy

I don’t know what you mean, but I’m nearing 29. Why does my husband want to have a deeper understanding of me ? I would ask “why don’t other people’s spouses want to have a deeper understanding of them??”

I would ask you why you think reading over old messages would give you/him a 'deeper understanding' of your partner, unless you think there's things he'll say to other people that he'd never say to you? It sounds like your romanticising invasive behaviour.

Not every moaning about a partner is a 'grievance' that needs raising. Sometimes my DP doesn't load the dishwasher how I would load it and I will moan about it to a friend to let off some steam- it's not something I need to talk out with him in couples therapy. Do you never just let off some steam?

I’m literally just explaining my thought process to those who asked why I messaged an age old crush. I hadn’t said anything untoward that would have upset DH, or else I wouldn’t lead with that in our conversation about my DMs. He understands that people can have platonic conversations regardless of what happened in the past because he is not immature.

As I mentioned, we’re not suspicious of each other in the least; it’s just that we’re really curious about one another. He wants a more complete picture of my life in his head, as would I, if he had social media

Sometimes we don’t know what questions we want to ask to learn everything we want to learn. If he were to read a message that mentions something in passing, he can then ask about that thing. He can also get an idea of what was going on in my life at a given time and how I felt about or responded to it, depending on what was said.

There are certainly things he’s said to his friends that he hasn’t expressed to me (though not saying he would never express them to me.) That sort of thing is nice to know so I can adjust myself accordingly, and try to be a better partner to him.

Yes, I do. But then again, if he read that I was annoyed with the way he loaded the dishwasher in a conversation with my mum, for example, then he’d probably apologize and ask how I’d prefer the dishwasher to be loaded, or explain why he loads it the way he does.

Still waiting to hear how old this guy is

Somebody had probably asked, but how long have you been together?

I leave my phone around and have no passcode. I wouldn't really care if my partner read my messages but equally id feel a bit weird if he couldn't resist temptation and found it so hard to resist he had to uninstall an app.

I think taking down all boundaries and allowing him and going through the messages changes the rules and gives him excuse to do it later alone and may even feed into this anxiety he clearly has. It may make him think he has a right to that information. And in future with holding it would seem suspicious if you have allowed it in the past.

How will this work if you're ever in a situation where he's regularly checking in on what you do and how you speak to, and you need privacy? What if he became abusive and you needed to arrange finances or the help of friends in private and 'get your ducks in a row' in order to leave him?

Personally I wouldn't and I'm really relaxed about privacy.

9 years

I don’t think he’s anxious about it at all; just curious. If I told him I wanted/needed privacy, I’m sure he would give it to me

Why won’t you tell us how old he is?

Cos he's 57 (probably).

He’s older. It’s so reminiscent of a fucked up relationship I was in with a much older but when I was 21. I can see it a mile off.

Well when people find out you're abusing their trust by showing your bloke what they put in private messages, you might find yourself being blocked more often.

@Butchyrestingface and @Anotherbloodyrainyday I was curious and searched her username. He’s old enough to have 17 and 18 year old kids. And she’s ’almost 29’ - so, 28. And she’s been with him for nine years, so since she was 19.

This is getting…not good.

100% agree + snap

He’s a controlling one for sure, obscured with the vibe of “we’re so in touch with each other, my twin flame!”

It’s the truly madly deeply soulmate stuff that gives me red flags. Been there, done that.

@HiddenInCubeOfCheese you guys are imposing those words onto the situation. I never said any of that, only that we’re very interested in one another, and our lives before we met each other. He’s not controlling in the least