To let DH read my Instagram messages?

[Cooktop64]

Some time ago, I used DH’s phone to log into instagram, so I could look up the work of a tattoo artist mum I met at soft play. I forgot to log out, and I’ve been away for work for a while.

DH told me tonight that he had deleted the app off his phone because he felt the intense urge to snoop (not because of any sort of suspicion, but because of curiosity, which I completely understand… if I’m being honest, I read through his texts on occasion as well. To me, it just seems like we want to know each other’s inner worlds more intimately, and I love that.)

I responded “I appreciate that. I’m not sure you would have found very much interesting, other than my conversation with [school team mate and early casual sex partner] and an attempt to start a conversation with [school crush who family-zoned me, whom I kept having dreams about, for some reason, and I was trying to figure out why].”

He replied that it probably goes back pretty far, and who knows what I was up to, and that he kind of wanted to re-download the app. I told him we could read through it together when I got home, and he said “It’s probably a lot of reading, but maybe we could do that.”

I honestly don’t remember everything that’s on there. I have no way of logging in to look, as I have settings on my phone to help me manage my social media addiction that prevents me from doing so. I’m a little bit worried I may have said something negative about him to a friend or family member, or said something that might invite suspicion if I can’t provide adequate context or the correct timeline for lack of memory…

On the other hand? I think it might bring us closer, for him to see all that and know me more deeply, and it might be nice to clear out any skeletons in my closet. Maybe I revisit some not-so-nice memories from my past, with his care and support, and it would be healing for me. Maybe we find dumb things to laugh about together. And if we don’t read through it together, will he succumb to temptation and read it without any context at all, and not be able to talk to me in order to assuage negative feelings about it without admitting to snooping?

Is it dumb to go through with this? Should I rescind the offer to read through it with him, or say “fuck it” and full send it anyway?

YABU - don’t let him read it
YANBU - read it with him

Yes to both. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

“Trying to figure out what part of me he represents”

Also heave 🤢

you are not the main character. Your old flame is living his own life. Go live yours and maybe calm down with the OTT introspection.

Upthread you said you delete anything private which doesn’t fit with this. Who decides what is private - you or your hapless friends? You should be respecting the privacy of people who share things with you.

Honestly I cannot imagine spending this many brain cycles on angsting about the mundane private messages between individuals. Its really not normal to be read each others private messages. I’m trying to imagine my late DH’s face if I suggested a thrilling evening going through each other’s message history. He would likely ask if I were feeling quite well.

We always kept sets of passwords for emergencies but never read each others’. Being married/partnered does not mean you should have no privacy, even in the age of pervasive media. Not everything is your partner’s business.

What about the privacy of the people messaging you? They don’t consent to your DH reading this

Such a good point @reversegear once i found out that my friends dh read her texts because why not if youve got nothing to hide’ I stopped texting her.

If I found out that any of my friends were letting their partners read my private messages to them I’d never text them again. Such a breach of privacy.

So bizarre. Why do you need to trawl back through your romantic history together? Most people have previous partners/interactions by the time they get married/ what’s the relevance to the current day? Are you going to do the same with messages from all his old girlfriends?

My husband’s therapist says that everything in your dream represents some part of yourself. So for example, if you dream of your mum, and she was always super loving towards you, that’s the maternal, self-loving part of you. If you dream of water, that’s usually indicative of your emotional state— observe whether it’s rough, calm, clear, murky, buoying you up, or drowning you… So I had been dreaming about this boy from my school days, and I was trying to figure out what part of me he represented in the dream. (Probably the part of my brain that speaks kindly to me, as he was always really nice to me.)

Have him set up his own Instagram account, follow you, and you approve him as a follower. That way he can see all your posts, comments, followers, following, etc. even if restricted, but doesn't have access to your private messages, etc.

In general I can completely see wanting to pore over someone else's instagram for hours - IF you have a crush on the person or are very newly involved and infatuated and don't know that much about them. By the time you're married, I'd think it would be redundant. He should already know you better than some random who likes the same fragrance brand or follows the same musician.

In my opinion it is not healthy to do this. In relationships I have never read through his phone nor would I expect him to do this for mine. In one relationship where he became cagey with fone - not leaving it out of sight aka cheating I might hsve been tempted to.look, but did not. In another there were intensely private messages to a mutual friend about my partner's mental health episodes and the effect they were having on me. I would not have ever wanted him to see these. It would be a gross invasion of privacy and a reflection on a lack of trust. It's like someone saying ' what are you thinking?' Nooooo. 'What do you think?' That's fine.

Old meme, but applicable

He’s my bloke, though

You have me mixed up with another poster. I rarely delete messages.

Some people don’t want as much privacy as others, and that’s okay.

God, I wish I could! That would be so interesting to me…I don’t think they even had texting back then, and certainly not social media

You never ask your partner what s/he is thinking??? I do that constantly

But you would have been a different person back then?

It’s not relevant today.

DH would find it incredible boring.

I would hate to justify any comment made in the moment and had no external context.

You need to concentrate on the future not the past

Ans I’m sorry, but who contacts old boyfriends because they dreamt about them?

I have no idea about how old you are, but all this ‘all about me’ of the younger generation is so self absorbed - he wants to know you better for a deeper understanding? Why?

Spend your time having sex, getting drunk, going out, even play cards have to be a better way to spend you time

And I agree with PP, I would not share anything with a friend who shared with her husband, that makes you a poor friend, sister, aunty, cousin, etc

@Silvertulips

But you would have been a different person back then?

Yes

It’s not relevant today.

What I was experiencing back then (and how I responded to it) shaped my present circumstances and who I am today.

Ans I’m sorry, but who contacts old boyfriends because they dreamt about them?

I didn’t date that guy; we were teammates and he family-zoned me. Said I was “like a little sister” to him.

I have no idea about how old you are, but all this ‘all about me’ of the younger generation is so self absorbed - he wants to know you better for a deeper understanding? Why?

I don’t know what you mean, but I’m nearing 29. Why does my husband want to have a deeper understanding of me ? I would ask “why don’t other people’s spouses want to have a deeper understanding of them??” I don’t mean to be inflammatory or anything, but I cannot even conceive of not being innately curious about your own spouse, and I’m pleased that mine is so interested in me.

Spend your time having sex, getting drunk, going out, even play cards have to be a better way to spend you time

Well we have a lot of sex lol. I don’t quite like being drunk, and I’m too tired at night after I get DD to bed to go out anymore.

What about the privacy of the people who sent the messages, or don’t they matter?

I wouldn't be interested in any relationship where someone was so intrusive. My instinct would be to get out the relationship immediately. The idea of someone reading my messages to another guy before I got involved with them is horrific. You owe it to the other person who's writing to you not to have your partner read it as well. I do think all gloves are off when someone is unfaithful but actually I have been in that position and the very very last thing I wanted to do was to read his private messages.

What do you say as a healthy relationship, I see as a very unhealthy one.

Have you asked all the friends and family who sent you the messages if they’re happy for them to be shared?

So much navel gazing.

Your husband is your husband now
Everyone has a past, and he has no right (and what seems like a strange obsession) with wanting to know your past self. It's fucking weird to be honest, and I think says a lot about his character if he thinks this is acceptable. I feel now you've said it's okay, it's going to be hard to tell him you've changed your mind without him convincing himself you're trying to hide something. Being married doesn't entitle your spouse to know every single detail about your entire life past or present.

What is 'family-zoning'?

Do you get blocked a lot by people, @Cooktop64 ?

Uh huh…

How old is he OP?

Did your husband happen to tell you his therapist said this after you shared you'd had this dream?

I am going to say this as kindly as I can OP- your relationship sounds deeply unhealthy and I wish you well.