Just need some assurance I didn't do anything wrong - Content Warning concerns DV.(added by MNHQ)

[Andoutcomethewolves]

About an hour ago I went to the bathroom and when I came back my H was spreadegeled over the entire bed so there was no room for me. I shoved him a few times (not hard, just jiggling his shoulder and prodding his arm to try and wake him up) and ended up shouting at him to move to one side or the other so I could actually get into bed. For context he does this to me regularly - it's a small double and easy to take up too much space but whenever he says it to me I just move. Or I usually go and sleep on the sofa but I currently have a fractured coccyx which is really sore and have important work stuff to do tomorrow so a proper night's sleep in a comfortable bed was really important.

He eventually woke up, screamed in my face that I was a bitch and punched me, hard, on my fractured coccyx multiple times. I'm now in so much pain I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Apparently I deserved it because I shoved him and asked him to move to the other side of the bed. Meanwhile he's now happily snoring away.

I'm honestly so upset. And he's going to expect me to do the work stuff tomorrow (well, today) as I'm the breadwinner.

I want to escape this relationship right now but I don't know how.

Yes, you need to get out, and to a safe place. Hope you manage to get sorted.

I'm not sure if you're getting me mixed up with someone else? My H was given a court order after violence towards me to leave our flat, he stayed with a mutual friend. But this is his flat, he would never give up. And more recently the police came round due to a call from someone on the street who heard me screaming and arrested him. My explosive tendencies are all directed at myself, I'm covered in self harm scars etc. it's just my mental health issues, particularly CPTSD, that sometimes make me not remember the way things actually went (which my husband understands though is obviously pissed off)

Very sorry if my messed up life bores you, feel free to just not comment 😊

So have you made a plan to leave?

You posted, and I quote “My husband has left me,”

But that was a court order?

I think you need to take some responsibility here. You have moved from one toxic relationship to another. You have all the resources that many women don’t have - supportI’ve family, a job, your own house, NO kids to tie you to him yet you refuse to leave.

if everyone in your life doesn’t like him then what does that say to you. He abused you now, so what will it take to leave him. If you can’t see that then unfortunately no one can say anything to help.

At the bare minimum you should call the police and get him removed. That solves one problem. The next is you should get your house back or move in with your brother if you can’t live in your current place. You have many options to help yourself here. You are not dependent on him. It’s up to you.

He threatened to.

Due to the court order he wasn't allowed to contact me.

I believed at the time he'd left me permanently as I wasn't allowed (legally) to contact him and vice versa. We're now trying to fix our relationship because there is far more good than bad.

Does that clear things up?

There's an element of you needing to take responsibility in this situation. Nothing is changing.

I'm not dependent on him whatsoever, if you mean financially. The opposite! It's just quite difficult having had an upbringing like mine leaving someone who shows you love (even if it means essentially funding our entire life)

I know it's usually difficult to leave an abusive relationship, for so many reasons, not just practical/financial. But the fact that you DO have the finances, and no ties in terms of children, means you can 'just leave'. Report him to the police, and get yourself a hotel or Airbnb for now.

Otherwise you will get less and less understanding, the more you post.

I know this but it's easier said than done. My ex beat me for nearly ten years and had control over all my banking/finances. H has only hit me a few times and takes my card to buy things or transfer money to himself.

I've never had better and have zero self esteem so I just want some guidance!

For those on this thread referencing my previous threads, yes, I'm from a traveller family and so I don't necessarily know exactly what's 'normal' in relationships or general life. All my friends (and obviously family) have the same experience hence why I'm asking here!

You've been given lots and lots of fantastic advice - how much have you at least looked into?

This is really sad OP. How is there far more good than bad in this relationship?

He's abusive in every way. Physically, emotionally, financially.

You don't have to live like this.

It might be worth reflecting on what love is. For me love means not being physically violent and hurting someone. It means being able to be myself with someone. It means someone trying to big me up and support me, particularly when life is hard. It is about working as a team. It’s about being kind and respectful to each other. It’s about trying to look after each other and feeling safe.
I don’t think that’s what I’m seeing in what you describe or anything even close to it. The fact that this man is marginally better than your ex does not mean he’s the one to stick with.
would you want your sister or a daughter to be with someone like this?
Its ok not to be with anyone too.
I know it’s really hard to get out of this kind of relationship. But I echo what a lot of people have said. This is not love and you deserve much much better. You have options and need to choose you for your future self.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Absolutely. Get away from the monster

https://women.travellermovement.org.uk/

Please contact them for culturally sensitive help.

I've been in touch with every single charity etc I can, I've been on various NHS and charity waiting lists for years for therapy. There is no help. At least not where I am.

I'll have to pay for it I suppose but the savings I had were earmarked for other things like visiting my sister overseas and maybe a festival - things to make me feel normal and happy! Just feel so sad right now.

Thank you, I'll read this properly later this morning x

I would be prioritising spending my money on getting away from my abuser which will immediately lift your mood. And free up money as you won’t be paying everything for a horrible freeloader. You have means, why are you planning to go to a festival and not paying for somewhere to stay that isn’t this hell?

OP mg husband has never hit me, never stolen money from me or taken my bank card. He provides for our family and is kind to me everyday. That’s the bare fucking minimum you should expect.

He’s also never pissed on the floor and I’ve never slipped in his urine.

If you go to A&E, tell them what happened; they will help you. I know from experience. They removed my ex who was sitting in the waiting room, and then found a refuge place for me. Do not worry about friends; it is all confidential, and it has been said they would be proud of you.
Take with you a small bag with any documents, passport, driver's license, bank book, a couple of changes of clothes, and some cash. The police will help you get the rest back later.
Just go, please.

I am really sorry that you are going through this ABUSE .
If you can, get some things together, money, cards, passport, clothes, phone, any other documents.
Get yourself to a&e - ask to speak with someone privately and explain your situation. Do not tell him that you are leaving [ this is when further abuse can happen) ask a friend to be with you,

Check into a hotel, away from your house, so it's not obvious where you are for him to come and find you.

You seriously need to get out of the relationship, it's domestic abuse and you have done nothing wrong.

Good luck. Take care