Just need some assurance I didn't do anything wrong - Content Warning concerns DV.(added by MNHQ)

[Andoutcomethewolves]

About an hour ago I went to the bathroom and when I came back my H was spreadegeled over the entire bed so there was no room for me. I shoved him a few times (not hard, just jiggling his shoulder and prodding his arm to try and wake him up) and ended up shouting at him to move to one side or the other so I could actually get into bed. For context he does this to me regularly - it's a small double and easy to take up too much space but whenever he says it to me I just move. Or I usually go and sleep on the sofa but I currently have a fractured coccyx which is really sore and have important work stuff to do tomorrow so a proper night's sleep in a comfortable bed was really important.

He eventually woke up, screamed in my face that I was a bitch and punched me, hard, on my fractured coccyx multiple times. I'm now in so much pain I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Apparently I deserved it because I shoved him and asked him to move to the other side of the bed. Meanwhile he's now happily snoring away.

I'm honestly so upset. And he's going to expect me to do the work stuff tomorrow (well, today) as I'm the breadwinner.

I want to escape this relationship right now but I don't know how.

First of all- you don deserve this and no one else’s opinion in your life matters if they condone DV.

step one- you need to go to A/E or minor injuries and just tell them what happened, to check your back isn’t damaged. You don’t want to be left with permanent damage. Some of it will be taken out of your hands if you tell them.

then you need to organise somewhere safe to stay for tonight. It could be he’s taken away by the police or you find somewhere. But you need actual DV support. People mention the Freedom program aswell- to break the cycle of thinking this behaviour is ok/doubting yourself. So once you are able, probably good to do that, get on the counselling list via GP- future proof yourself. You may have to let friends and family go if they are unsupportive but that’s something to worry about later.

for the next 24 hours all you need to do is check your back is ok and not get punched again. @Andoutcomethewolves im sorry this is happening to you.
i don’t know why some people on this thread are kicking you when you are down.
people are so arrogant to think it couldn’t happen to them but it can happen to anyone over time. Chin up mate- you’ll get through this but you’re in real danger so start speaking to anyone eg healthcare people , women’s aid etc to get as much help as you can.

@Andoutcomethewolves we are trying to be kind but your posts keep changing and it's hard to keep track, if you are needing help then leave now, call the police and have him removed or phone womens aid, if your friends work there they will surely be supportive as that is literally their job

I don't think anyone is being unsympathetic to OP's situation or disparaging her account of living with DV and her toxic upbringing. Nor is anyone claiming that leaving such a situation is easy – it can take abused women many years to pluck up the courage to leave. But OP doesn't want to help herself, as her multiple threads have proved time and time again. Every suggestion is shot down. Which is obviously her right to do, but you can see why PP are frustrated.

Oh OP, I remember your previous posts. I'm so sorry you're still there and it's got worse.

I thought you'd left him a few months ago?

I think people get frustrated because you have a house, so they think you've got somewhere to go but you won't consider it. But I understand it's not that black and white.

I think (but could be wrong) the fact that you own a property but rent it out would prevent you from getting any sort of social housing by yourself. If you have savings, you need to use them to rent privately. I know it will deplete your savings, but you can earn more money. Your safety has to be your priority.

I left my ex husband six years ago with a suitcase and not a penny to my name. It took two years to even start to get back on my feet financially, but I dont regret it for a second. I started with a room in a shared house for six months, it was depressing but ultimately better than living with an abuser.

You only get one life OP. Am I right in remembering you have a serious long term health condition too? Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

You say you're not working at the moment, so you aren't tied to that specific area. And you do have savings. You are in a better position than many women who have to leave abusive men, although I know it may not feel like it right now.

What about looking for a long term holiday rental type place for now? It's over a month before school holidays start so you should be able to find something quite reasonably priced, preferably as far away from him as possible. Give yourself some proper space to think about your next steps.

You CAN do this OP. You have options. I really hope you leave him, today.

Op that attack was EVIL!!!!! Punching your already broken back???? Just call the police now and get him out YOUR house then worry about the rest later. Criminal charges for DV will go a long way to protecting you. You should know better as a lawyer that to listen to bully boy threats and honestly, even if he did take all your material possessions you’d be better off on the street in your underpants than in a house with this animal. God op this is not the life an intelligent, nice woman should be living. Stop thinking so much and ACT, get help now and don’t live another minute in this. It’s scary pulling the plug but once you do, you’re on your way to a happier life. Don’t underestimate how bad this is, literally couldn’t get worse now, go! Good luck

Phone the police and report him

You’re not weak, you’re damaged. By this man. He is an unemployed, alcoholic, violent, using cunt. To punch you repeatedly in a broken coccyx is one of the most appalling examples of abuse I’ve read on here. Just utterly despicable.

It’s really, really not funny.

OP. You’re a lawyer. I think your trauma bond to this piece of shit is consuming you. He is taking everything from you. Everything.

By staying, for so long, seem to be unable to leave, or to even really want to leave. But your incessant posting and highly, highly recognisable story means you do want to leave.

You just have to stop making excuses, face the abject and understandable terror and call Women’s aid. And the police. Everything is yours. Get this piece of toxic shit out of your home and your life. You only get one go. One life. Don’t let this man be it.

I haven't spoken to my my mum since then. I know she'd still have me in their spare caravan though.

Why are you deliberately going out of your way to try and kick someone when they are down? Please just stop, it's really uncomfortable to read.

Bore off with your sanctimony.

🙄

Please stop piling on. Have you ever worked in a women's shelter? People go back to abusers again and again. It's not their fault. They are mentally and emotionally trapped. It takes strength to leave and it's not easy to do.
OP. Take one step. Go to hospital.

It takes people a very long time to leave an abusive situation - you need support and counselling - women's aid can help - look up the freedom programme too. You need support to leave him - it can be done -

ok im confused....

I currently have a fractured coccyx which is really sore and have important work stuff to do tomorrow so a proper night's sleep in a comfortable bed was really important.

I don't have a job right now and although I have savings

Go to the police.

hold up…. I was on the thread where you say you feel sorry for your “definitely not abusive” DH because due to difficulties in your past, when you are “triggered” , you tend to be very volatile?

This confused me too... haven't read any previous threads (that I know of!) But still confused

OP, you need to get your lawyer hat on.

From what I’ve read on this thread alone you’ve had a very troubled and trauma filled upbringing. All of that changes how you deal with life and due to a variety of factors your has come out as excessive people pleasing and a blindness to abuse.

Your DH’s abuse is not your fault.

Your family’s dysfunction/abuse is not your fault.

You have gone through life with a skewed ‘blueprint’ of how to deal with relationships so you can’t do it in a normal, healthy way. That is not your fault. It can be fixed.

In spite of all that you’ve been through you’ve qualified as a solicitor. I’ve done that and I know just how hard it is without everything else you’ve had to deal with. That means you have got amazing strength in you and you can use that to leave.

I’m sure it feels like you’re in the middle of a storm, but you can find your way out. All you need to do is deal with one thing at a time. Don’t know what law you practice, but whatever it is you will need to identify the issue then find the solution. You take it step by step and analyse the potential outcomes of each step, anticipating what may happen. That’s what you need to do here.

You don’t need to do this on your own. As a pp said, call Women’s Aid etc and just say you know some people there so could you speak to someone else. Please call someone. They will help you see through the fog so you can find a way out. If you live with a constant barrage of problems you’re always in fight/flight mode and that’s exhausting. Instead of being at the frontline fighting the next battle you need to take a step back and get a new plan of attack. Give yourself some space to find a solution. Take your time and don’t do anything rashly. Don’t say anything to your H until you’re ready to leave and have everything in place.

Good luck (and if I were you I’d have a break from relationships and spend the money you’d usually spend on him on healing yourself. Therapy, yoga, shopping…whatever it takes. You don’t actually need a man (they don’t always add much to our lives!)).

If you are annoyed by this, just leave these threads that are annoying you so much. Your input isn't compulsory. If you don't believe a word that OP says, report the threads to Mumsnet. Don't keep derailing a thread with an OP that is probably genuine, even though she hasn't yet taken other posters' advice on board.

If OP has had an abusive childhood, it makes her much more vulnerable and susceptible to abusive relationships as an adult.

Interviews

Honestly the rest of the story doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that he physically assaulted you. You could have been stood screaming in his face or throwing his most beloved items in the bin. Nothing justifies violence and people should always choose to walk away from a situation.

This behaviour is not ok or acceptable in any terms.

Please, please find some help.

OK so now is the time to leave. Report the assault to the police, and leave his flat.

I really don't need you to school me. Please just ignore my posts if you don't like them