To think my husband is being unreasonable

[householddog]

im on a diet since having a baby 9 months ago I wouldn’t really call it a diet just cutting out rubbish and making healthier choices. Last month my husband asked if I wanted anything from the shop. I said yes grab me something nice he came back with chocolate and crisps galore. I thanked him but said I couldn’t eat any of this as I’m eating healthy. He then said well what could he have got me and I said my favourite magazine a melon some nice bubble bath some flowers etc. I’ve done so well to loose some weight so far I’m not huge but the biggest I’ve ever been and since having the baby I had resorted to sugar to keep me going and relying on snacks for fuel. Today he text me while I was in the middle of dealing with the baby and preparing dinner to ask if I want anything so I text back saying yes please a treat would be lovely surprise me. I had to rush off as baby was crying and then left my phone up stairs so couldn’t say what I wanted. Hes come back with chocolate galore again profiteroles Pringles and sweets. I said I can’t eat any of that but that I appreciate the thought. I’ve had a hard day with the baby I’m also in a lot of pain with my period on codine and taking morphine when he’s home to keep an eye on the baby. I just wanted a nice treat and he’s done it again. He also randomly brings home junk and offers it to me and I say no. I haven’t fully restrained myself I had some cake at my mums birthday I also had some pudding when out just us too for our anniversary. But I’ve made it very clear that I’m being really determined at home. He says I’m being unreasonable and how was he to know as I didn’t say what I wanted

Oh for god’s sake of course you are not unreasonable and this has nothing to do with hormones. God the bar for men here is in fucking Hades’ sub sub basement.

My lovely husband waited on me hand and foot when I recently had surgery. Took my temperature every two hours, doled out my meds, arranged for every kind of treat and flower that I like to appear.

We are 35 years into this relationship but by five years in he had made a study of me and I of him. Of course he knew what I wanted for a treat—and I know what he likes. The idea that men are so stupid that they have to be given written instructions every time they want to treat you is just ridiculous.

Can I have him after?

Saying you want a treat isn’t communicating what you actually want and you are being unreasonable to expect him to interpret. It’s clear his idea of treat is chocolate so you need to communicate and be specific i.e. some fruit please - quicker to type if you are dealing with the baby than “ yes please a treat would be lovely surprise me” You are being unreasonable by not explicitly telling him what you want

😂 You are not alone!

I was sent home with morphine and a newborn after my second c-section. I’m sure OP’s doctor knows better than you what’s right for her.

You want your DH to buy you surprise gifts when he asks if you want anything from the shops. This seems a bit precious and princessy to me.

Forget the morphine ect now, just the treat bit.

Have you said in the last nine months or however long, that you're going to have some chocolate, cake, crisps ect "as a treat" ? Which hopefully you have. But had an unhealthy snack?
Only because you sound quite strict on your new diet.

I think when Im being healthy, things like a watermelon for example ARE a treat, (we don't have much money and fresh fruits out fave if it's in season/ local) but a whole one is a lot of money, especially if it doesn't get finished, and the ready chopped ones aren't very nice.

Does that make any sense? I'm still asuming it's like a Tesco express/ Morrison's daily type shop.
Really hope you're ok, just might be a bit overstretched and in pain. Unmumsnetty hugs xx

Bubble bath and magazines are "princessy"??
This thread is in the trenches.

Their standards are in hell and they are trying to drag OP's down with them. Put this same scenario in a work/professional context and let's see if they will still be talking about the "male brain" and its supposed inability to remember basic instructions.

This has nothing to do with the bar. In a work/professional context you would never get an instruction like "ooh I don't know, surprise me!" - and if you did, it wouldn't be on you if you got it wrong.

If I wanted something from the shops it wouldn't occur to me not to just SAY IT when asked.

And in a professional context you wouldn't think a man is incapable of remembering repeated requests. Because apparently most of you have missed the part where OP says she's told him repeatedly not to buy junk and he's done it anyway.
Yes it's useful to be specific direct when someone asks if you want something. OP could be more direct but also her husband simultaneously can remember she's said no junk repeatedly.
And this is absolutely about the bar being in hell for standards of men.

"Repeated requests" = a month ago she didn't want junk, but has still been eating it since anyway. I wouldn't take into account what someone requested from the shops (or didn't request) a month ago especially if they don't seem to be following any rules themselves.

More like the bar is in hell for normal standards of communication. He did nothing wrong.

Ah so you are like him. Got it.

I get what you're saying, but the point I'm making is even if my healthy eating DH said 'bring me back a treat' I'd think he's wanting a food treat, and specifically not a healthy food treat or he'd ask me for fruit and yogurt.
Being a healthy eater doesn't mean you never want a few squares of chocolate or an ice cream. And I'm saying this as someone who's lost 18 pounds so far with healthy eating and exercise but I do still enjoy the odd treat. Life's too short to never have chocolate.

Why not tell him he's lovely and please get me a bunch of flowers be straight to the point . It does work

Do explain to me why the onus is on someone to remember that a month ago, their partner didn't want junk, but she's been eating junk since anyway, and she didn't bother to specify what she wanted...

... rather than on the partner to say "I would like a melon please, no chocolate"

"This thread is in the trenches."

Yes, really.

It's not unreasonable to expect your H to remember you're on a diet - especially when he can see with his own eyes how strictly you've adhered to it - and to know what a treat/something nice looks like to you, when you have literally literally told him weeks earlier:

"Last month my husband asked if I wanted anything from the shop. I said yes grab me something nice he came back with chocolate and crisps galore. I thanked him but said I couldn’t eat any of this as I’m eating healthy. He then said well what could he have got me and I said my favourite magazine a melon some nice bubble bath some flowers etc."

That he did it AGAIN is a clear sign that he is thoughtless, which means: "not showing consideration for the needs of other people."

OP's his wife. He should be attuned to her enough that he knows what she means. She shouldn't have to repeat herself in this situation. I bet he wouldn't have to tell HER twice what a treat to him means.

This thread sure has brought out a lot of himpathizers.

And a lot of ignorant people who have no idea that period pain when one has endometriosis is agonising enough to require morphine.

And women racing to call other women "princesses" for expecting kind, thoughtful behaviour from their spouse. The bar for male behaviour is a tavern in Hades for these women.

SMH

Nah bollocks to this. "Attuned" is just a euphemism for "he should be telepathic". The thoughtless one is the one who doesn't use her words to specify what she wants when asked.

DP and I ask each other if we want something from the shops most weeks. I couldn't tell you what his reply was last week let alone last month. If you want something specific the onus is on you to request it, not to expect anyone to be "attuned" to you.

If a man asked his wife to bring him something nice back but didn't specify what, then moaned about it, we wouldn't be telling her she'd done anything wrong. The bar is in Hades if you accept poor communication from your partner.

It's possible because he thought you made an exception for your mum's birthday cake, that you wanted another sweet treat.

It sounds though from your updates that there is a bigger issue though. Do you think he is trying to sabotage your diet?

If my DW was in pain and asked me to get her something nice or a treat, I know what she’d say if I turned up with a magazine or a fucking melon 😂

On both occasions he bought you something 'nice' and a 'treat'. It just so happened that your current definition has changed and you failed to inform him of your changing thoughts.

Sometimes you've got to feel sorry for the man

Even as a woman I would not think about magazine, bubble bath or fruit 😳
If DH, who is on a diet, told me "something nice/treat" he would get marinated chicken wings and/or paprika crisps....

Just be clear as pps said. The fact you are on a diet is your thing, not his. Just say what isle you want stuff from. Clarity saves sanity.

Just to add re sabotaging. Sounds like he is eating as before, so I don't think he is sabotaging. He is not the one on the diet.

Congratulations on your baby, and taking care of yourself.
Please give hubby a break.
Daddy would ask Mammy what she would like for Christmas or birthday - she would always say 'oh nothing, just a nice card'. One birthday he did just that. She was upset. So I pointed out 'but Daddy has done what you asked him '.
Please give hubby a break.
Write a little note of what you like - a real mixture of things. Then he can treat you with a surprise.
You love each other enough to have a baby together - please don't fall out over choccies or Pringles!
Blessings to you both and your baby. xxx

So he got it wrong and you gave him acceptable suggestions like a melon or a mag or bubble bath. So he had a list of possible ideas for the future. So he offered again and you said "yes please" and he again bought the stuff that you said last time you couldn't eat.
He's being an arse. He knows what you don't want and yet he bought it again. He's not supporting you He's trying to sabotage your diet. Why do we let men be so useless?

He could have bought you a mag. Or a plant or flowers or nice handcream, it doesn't have to be food.
YANBU
He knows he shouldn't be eating rubbish.
You are allowed to determine what you eat. If you ate pudding on your birthday that's your call and no one gets to call you out on it.

You are doing well. It's really hard to be tired and deal with it. Totally on your side. You got this, lady!

"get me a treat" says to me "get me something yummy like chocolate". If this is upsetting you this much then you need to make it very clear, when he asks you, what exactly you want.
That's very unfair on him.