To think my husband is being unreasonable

[householddog]

im on a diet since having a baby 9 months ago I wouldn’t really call it a diet just cutting out rubbish and making healthier choices. Last month my husband asked if I wanted anything from the shop. I said yes grab me something nice he came back with chocolate and crisps galore. I thanked him but said I couldn’t eat any of this as I’m eating healthy. He then said well what could he have got me and I said my favourite magazine a melon some nice bubble bath some flowers etc. I’ve done so well to loose some weight so far I’m not huge but the biggest I’ve ever been and since having the baby I had resorted to sugar to keep me going and relying on snacks for fuel. Today he text me while I was in the middle of dealing with the baby and preparing dinner to ask if I want anything so I text back saying yes please a treat would be lovely surprise me. I had to rush off as baby was crying and then left my phone up stairs so couldn’t say what I wanted. Hes come back with chocolate galore again profiteroles Pringles and sweets. I said I can’t eat any of that but that I appreciate the thought. I’ve had a hard day with the baby I’m also in a lot of pain with my period on codine and taking morphine when he’s home to keep an eye on the baby. I just wanted a nice treat and he’s done it again. He also randomly brings home junk and offers it to me and I say no. I haven’t fully restrained myself I had some cake at my mums birthday I also had some pudding when out just us too for our anniversary. But I’ve made it very clear that I’m being really determined at home. He says I’m being unreasonable and how was he to know as I didn’t say what I wanted

I'd find it infuriating OP, but you both need to work on your communication.

If he's not getting it right then you either say what you want, or tell him you want nothing. But also take some time to communicate to him that you don't feel listened to - or supported with your weight loss attempts.

My husband is awful for snacks etc. He eats terribly, and I find it very hard to resist the endless supply of snacks. I've resorted to mounjaro for exactly that reason - previously I just didn't buy it, but that's not fully in my control now. Eating it or not should be within my control too, but I find that bit harder 😆😆

Also, from the other side, I ask my husband if he needs anything from the shop and he often says 'surprise me', or 'get me something nice' and is never happy with my surprises and yet never tells me what to get or what I should have got. Pisses me off.

Kindly OP, and from a woman with three brothers, you’re expecting him to think like a woman. He’s a man and he thinks like a man.

A woman might think “Oh! I know Household is on a diet and has been talking about it a lot so I will think of something thoughtful to get her that isn’t food!”
A man will think “Oh, she’s been on a diet but wants a treat! I’m glad she’s giving the diet a break today. I’ll get her ALL KINDS of food so that she can pick any treat she likes!”

You really do need to just communicate more clearly. He IS trying to do something nice for you. He just doesn’t understand that this isn’t the “nice” you want.

Or he’s trying to sabotage your diet, but you haven’t said anything that indicates that so I won’t jump to it.

YABU

You should have been specific. I think most people would have come back with similar to what your DH bought in these situations.

Kobayashi Maru

But how is it being witless when she doesn't give any idea at all of what she wants?

Even a category would help: some chocolate; some crisps; some fruit; some flowers; some wine; some luxurious bubble bath...

She doesn't have to state the exact barcode number; but how mad is it to deliberately give somebody a very vague request and then complain that they didn't get you exactly the kind of thing that you wanted, but didn't bother to ask for?

It just reminds me of the people who don't ever vote at elections, yet still get angry when the people who do bother to vote choose a different party/candidate than they would theoretically have done!

"A healthy treat" would've been a better answer.

Has no one here has experienced endometriosis or adenomyosis? It's so painful without pain meds it makes me vomit.

Yes, it's horrendous. I was prescribed morphine too. The menopause was like getting my life back. I'm genuinely pleased for people who have not experienced it and cannot imagine needing morphine for "period pain".

OP you are being very unreasonable, you feel let down by your husband because he's not a mind reader. I understand it would be great if he had retained things you had previously told him but you seem equally unable to learn from experience and keep expecting him to.

If you leave the choice of treat to him you are disappointed so you need to choose; disappointment or something you would actually like, one of those choices requires you to speak up.

He eats crisps and chocolates as treats, and you were also eating a lot of this until recently, so that is his default when you say "something nice," or "bring me a treat." And he probably thinks that because you are on a diet that you might want something actually nice, since he knows you enjoy those things. No one on earth would think you'd want a watermelon. You need to be specific if you want particular things that fall outside the realm of what are treats to most people.

He is thick and also sabotaging you. Get your own treats and consider your future with this thoughtless lemon.

I agree you're going to have to tell him what you actually want. Melon is not a 'treat', it's just nicer the average fruit.

If I were on my period and asking for a treat my partner would absolutely buy me a KitKat, a box of Magnums or a doughnut. Regardless of being on a diet.

It’s surely not that difficult to say, ‘a treat but nothing fattening’, thus signalling you’d like him to get something other than chocolate or crisps. ‘A treat’ in our house ALWAYS means something edible even if I’m on a diet.

Men often say they don’t understand women so the best thing you can do is say what you want and not leave him to guess.

OP if you want something specific you have to say.
But also I think your expectations are unrealistic - surely when someone is popping to the shop & asks if you want anything the general expectation would be a snack or drink? I wouldn’t ask for flowers in that situation!
Also your DH is being thoughtful by texting / asking you which should be appreciated in itself

I think yabu a little yes op.
If my DP was at the shop and he asked what I wanted and I said 'get me something nice' or 'a treat', he would absolutely get choc or a sweet treat.
But he's asked me sometimes, and I've said 'ooh yes, I'm craving prawns', as sometimes I do.
If I'd have said bring me a treat, I know I wouldn't be getting prawns 😜... you do have to be specific definitely.

I don’t think you are unreasonable lots of men don’t like women taking control of their lives. He knows you are dieting & proceeds to bring junk not for the first time. If he was unsure what to get why didn’t he ask?

A "treat" is something you wouldn't normally have. So it stands to reason if you normally eat healthy food then a treat is unhealthy food.

Yabu to be angry at Dh and you should apologise to him, and be clearer about what you want in future.

I’d find it really annoying if I was asked to pick up a ‘treat’ or ‘something nice’ for someone who was on a diet, with no guidelines whatsoever about what was diet-friendly and also considered a treat. Sugar free gummy bears? Asparagus??

Non-food items would not occur to me at all.

Also anyone who says ‘surprise me!’ makes my heart sink. There are just infinite ways for a person to fuck up.

You need to remember that men are so different from women and a lot of them need help with things like this!

I am a massive chocoholic, but when I got pregnant I went right off it and instead just fancied ice lollies all the time. I talked about it SO OFTEN, how much I missed the desire for chocolate and the enjoyment of it, etc. For months, my boyfriend still brought me my fave chocs back from the shops every time he went, and they would remain unopened, but I thought the gesture still was very sweet. He was thinking of me.

I think you mostly went wrong with the second time. First time you expected bubble bath or a watermelon- such random “treats” but you had faith in him. He got it wrong, (unsurprisingly) but then when he asked you today if you wanted anything, you didn’t learn from the previous time and still expected him to know what kind of treat you wanted. Just tell him what you want next time, not hard.

Let’s make this easier. If you don’t want the chocolate, send him over here. I will oblige.

I was thinking that he could have remembered all of the previous things OP has said about her diet and taken that into account when choosing.

ok so nice drip feed about the endo. Sorry that it's so bad for you

But you know him. So give him a list so next time he asks, tell him to pick from the list. If he doesn't pick from the list tell him a) to stop trying to stabotage your efforts and b) to stop asking if you want anything.

You’re being a bit of a dick, in the nicest way possible.

Yes. Why not dump the person you had a child with, have them part time, reduce your income and re enter the joy of dating then possibly having to blend families and face your ex doing the same over and over couple of misplaced chocolate bars. What a completely proportionate and rational response 🤦🏽‍♀️

Being on a diet doesn't mean the OP can never eat chocolate or crisps. This is why so many diets fail. People stick far too rigidly to it and then are surprised they put all the weight back on when they stop dieting. It's far better to make healthy choices part of the routine and allow some leeway with choclate, cake, crisps etc.