To think my husband is being unreasonable

[householddog]

im on a diet since having a baby 9 months ago I wouldn’t really call it a diet just cutting out rubbish and making healthier choices. Last month my husband asked if I wanted anything from the shop. I said yes grab me something nice he came back with chocolate and crisps galore. I thanked him but said I couldn’t eat any of this as I’m eating healthy. He then said well what could he have got me and I said my favourite magazine a melon some nice bubble bath some flowers etc. I’ve done so well to loose some weight so far I’m not huge but the biggest I’ve ever been and since having the baby I had resorted to sugar to keep me going and relying on snacks for fuel. Today he text me while I was in the middle of dealing with the baby and preparing dinner to ask if I want anything so I text back saying yes please a treat would be lovely surprise me. I had to rush off as baby was crying and then left my phone up stairs so couldn’t say what I wanted. Hes come back with chocolate galore again profiteroles Pringles and sweets. I said I can’t eat any of that but that I appreciate the thought. I’ve had a hard day with the baby I’m also in a lot of pain with my period on codine and taking morphine when he’s home to keep an eye on the baby. I just wanted a nice treat and he’s done it again. He also randomly brings home junk and offers it to me and I say no. I haven’t fully restrained myself I had some cake at my mums birthday I also had some pudding when out just us too for our anniversary. But I’ve made it very clear that I’m being really determined at home. He says I’m being unreasonable and how was he to know as I didn’t say what I wanted

Yeah, melon . I love a melon, but it's food, not a treat.

If I asked my dp to bring me back a treat and he brought me back a melon… well… 😂 I do get it thought OP. If he cared enough to listen to you when I’m sure you’ve spoken about the healthy eating he would know you’d not want junk. Saying that I do find men can’t really think outside the box in those circumstances so I’d definitely write a list and say, when you ask if I want a treat… bubble bath, a magazine, fruit etc would be great.

Is he overweight? Is he trying to stop you eating healthily in other ways?

He was doomed to fail with your answer. Just say next time I want melon

You’re the problem. Say you don’t want something or be specific. Also, stop demonising food, you’re clearly winding yourself up about it. Only having a tiny piece of cake vs a normal size piece is hardly going to make a difference. If you want to make truly lasting differences you have to balance it, we eat healthily but I’ll also happily demolish a packet of walkers sensations and wash them down with some wispa bites on a Friday night. The odd day of some treat is a good thing.

When DS was about 3 months old I had Reynaud's syndrome in my nipples, mastitis, a baby that wouldn't sleep or be put down, and I'd had a bit of a cry to DH because I was turning into a hob nob and the myth of the weight falling off with BF was a fallacy. A few days later he came home from work and said he'd stopped by the nice farm shop and got me a treat, I was simultaneously delighted and upset because I knew it would be something tasty that I'd hate myself for eating. He pulled out a huge punnet of strawberries quickly followed by a large bar of chocolate, he said the strawberries looked really good I thought you might want some and I know you're trying to be a bit healthier, but then I thought I could dip some in chocolate for you because that would only be a little bit, or you can just eat the chocolate and put the strawberries in the fridge, whatever you want. In that moment I remembered why I married him 😂

Go easy on him OP a treat in that context usually means food we don't eat all of the time

If I was him I'd stop offering! Life shouldn't be such hard work.

OP you already told your DH that you aren't eating crap and told him exactly what he could have got you last time - magazine, melon, bubble bath.

Given this, he's fucking thick to get you the exact same thing he got you last time, that you told him you couldn't have but already gave him alternative options.

And I don't even think that's harsh. Those saying tell him what to get? She did!! Just not in that specific moment!

Jesus people. How do some people even adult?

Not being funny, but you’ve got to much time on your hands if that’s all you’ve got to be bothered about.

@Thegreatescape12345 I may be shit at adulting sometimes but I'm very glad dh knows I have good intentions and loves me enough to see past my occasional lapses. I think that's more mature than assuming bad intentions

Yep, and it’s worrying how many people are not picking up on this. Just goes to show how much men not being able to do basic domestic related tasks has become normalised.

The first time OP was specific was on her but she said clearly he asked what would have been a good choice and she gave him options. She’s also said he is consistently buying junk and she is telling him she can’t eat it. This sounds like someone who is deliberately ignoring her diet requirements. And if he is genuinely forgetting he needs to fix up. The bar is in hell with many of you.

I haven’t touched chocolate/crisps/cake/sweets since my surgery 2 years ago, haven’t binged/failed the healthy eating plan yet. I’ve explicitly told my Dh no treats like this. He knows (although he brought home cereal containing chocolate the other day for me, he’s ended up eating it) to get fruit or a lovely low fat treat/protein bar etc. Tell him, OP! I’m surprised he’s done this twice.

For real a lot of these replies is just squawking.

I lost a lot of weight when caring for 2 parents in different care homes, was driving 100's of miles a week, dealing with their care packages as well as doing a rather stressful job. I went down to 5 stone & a size 4. DH was very concerned about me & tried to get me to eat, but I had no time & was too stressed.

Parents died. All the rushing around stopped. DH fed me. I've now ballooned to nearly 10 stone & pushing a size 14.

I've said to DH that I need to get to a healthy 7 stone as I've never been this big & not happy. DH says 'yes I hear you, but I love you as you are' which is good.

But I'm not happy as I feel fat - I am fat. He does most of the cooking (he's a retired chef, I work so he does most of the cooking) I say can we just have a salad, no dressing with plain chicken - no skin, no sauces please? What do I get? Chicken in some delicious creamy sauce, potatoes, veg with salad as a side dish - also with a delicious dressing.

I've told him that he's a feeder & the only way is that I prepare our meals. That's not going to happen as he loves to cook. He's also considers it an insult to him that I got so thin & unhealthy as people used to comment on it & ask him why he wasn't doing anything about me being so thin - but at the time we were like ships that passed in the night as I was so busy.

WTF am I supposed to do?

Underrated comment and sums the situation up perfectly

Its him who sounds like hard work imo. OP told him only yesterday what would count as a treat, and he has completely ignored her. Is he trying to sabotage her efforts? Stay strong OP, you've done great. I hope he supports you in other ways, even if not re. food.

Attention seeking silly games.

I agree with this.

If you want a magazine, just say you want a magazine. It's really not difficult.

No bad intentions assumed - just thoughtlessness isn't it. Her partner hasn't listened to her, or considered what would be a nice treat for her. He's just got what he usually gets because presumably that's the easiest.

If my partner was trying really hard to lose weight and had done really well with it so far, and had also turned down a previous unhealthy treat because they didn't want to ruin their progress, why would any supportive or caring partner then decide to do the same again? If it were me I'd want to be supportive by helping them, and that means listening to them and treating them in a way you'd hope is both a treat, and supportive.

I get that an occasional lapse in judgement happens, and it may be well intentioned, but really? Why did he bother asking what to get her next time, if he was just going to get the same things she said she couldn't have again?

I don't understand it. Why do men have such a low bar when it comes to stuff like this? I don't feel like OP is unreasonable at all, but I'm obviously in the minority!

Exactly!

YABU. I hate people who say 'surprise me' or 'just get me anything, you know what I like'. These sorts of comments like yours set the other person completely up to fail as in your mind you know exactly what you want and what the buyer gets is never what you are thinking of.
There is no way if someone told me to get them a treat or to surprise them if I said I was at the supermarket would I know to choose melon, bubble bath or a magazine. Even if dieting most people's default would be something tasty like sweets, cake or chocolate.
I really doubt it is deliberate and sabotage as others are suggesting, but more just how most people automatically process things and words such as treat are often associated with unhealthy food, not wider gifts.
I agree you need to be specific about what food you want and to say pick me up a melon while you are there.
If you are wanting a more romantic gesture (flowers) then that is a different conversation and maybe worth dropping in hints at other times. To me it would be weird to say buy my flowers if someone asked me if I wanted something from the shop, but to mention previously it would be nice to have flowers in the house would be ok to say (and hope it is one day remembered).
However I am quite specific about gifts and do have a list I will get my DH to buy from...and normally if we want something from the supermarket it's usually something boring like remember the toothpaste is nearly empty.

If DH text me whilst shopping and I asked for something nice he would get a posh little tub of icecream, or wine. He wouldn’t think bubble bath or fruit.
I’m trying to make healthier food choices and up my exercise as well but it just wouldn’t enter in his head to get something else because he wouldn’t see it as a treat.
Like others, I think you’re going to have to be specific or your poor DH is doomed to failure.

First off, I’m really sorry you’re going through endo period pain, OP. I don’t have it myself but I’ve heard it’s excruciating. Throw in sleep deprivation and a screaming baby and I’d not be thinking too straight either.

However, all of that is skewing your idea of what’s reasonable though, with all kindness. Your DH sounds like he's just trying to make you feel a bit better at a really rough point.

Congrats on your weight loss - it’s a tough journey! But also remember that he’s just a passenger on that journey with you and he’ll need a LOT more guidance than ‘surprise me’. Tell him what kind of things you want when he asks (if he does again!) and you’ll sidestep all of this.

Well at least he buys you presents which is more than you can say for most men.

You can get stuffed with your 'is that standard now' internalised mysogynistic crap.

I've had plenty of pain that I've been offered morphine for that's not been as bad as my period pain as someone with endometriosis and fibroids. So while it's not standard it's legitimately disabling pai .