I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

He is waving 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩at you. Dump him now and save yourself years of his sulky behaviour down the line. Definitely do not have DC with this baby.

He's behaving very strangely.

I'm bi myself and have had one Lt relationship with a woman and am now in a lt relationship with a man.

I told my DH soon after we started dating and he's always been fine with it. He knows I'm fully committed to him. If he'd behaved at all jealous or unhappy with me I would have taken that as a massive red flag.

Oh for lord's sake I fancy Kelly Brooke and I've been heterosexual all of my life.
If people need proof of 'health' they can get a test.
We cannot change our past but owe no one disclosure unless it puts them at risk.
I could decide tomorrow that the ladies are for me (I generally dislike men so that wouldn't be a stretch) but by Saturday I can quite legitimately change my mind.
The OPs boyfriend is a dick and I'll say a classic LTB.

I think you are spot on here OP. Yes sure he's entitled to feel how he feels but it is the behaviour here that is so worrying.

First, the silent treatment is horrible and passive aggressive and gave you no chance to work out what was going on initially, and he has form for this by the sounds of it.

Secondly there is the mind-reading element: he has assumed he knows what that kiss meant to you from your facial expression, is acting as though he knows your thoughts better than you do and is therefore not going to believe anything you say. That doesn't bode well for the future either.

Then there is the fact that by accusing you of this and refusing to take your reassurances on board he's put you in the position where you feel you have to defend yourself for something that, as you say, was not wrong in the first place. Silent treatment, withdrawal, accusations etc all create a dynamic where one person can end up feeling they need to constantly prove their loyalty, beg the other person to trust them or stay with them, and becomes a tool of wielding control.

And of course his line about competing against men already and not wanting to compete with women too implies a lack of trust in you in general. Implicitly he has to compete to keep you - he is suggesting your head could be 'turned' at any time and he is constantly fighting a war against others to keep your relationship going. That is a pretty paranoid and objectifying mindset.

So urgh, not great.

And of course one kiss doesn't make you bisexual, and even if you were bisexual, that wouldn't stop you being able to commit to loving a man and being loyal to him - of course. So there is possibly homophobia here too / buying into an idea that bisexuals are all sluts or something.

Irrespective of his weird controlling comments (that he has enough to worry about competing with other men!?) giving you the silent treatment is abusive. I'd be having a serious think if that's how you want your relationship to look in the future. Or if you'd rather leave and find someone who can discuss their feelings and issues without accusations or dramatics. It would get worse if you had kids as now you can ignore it or walk away...when people have kids they desperately try and keep things normal so have to over compensate for having a shitty dad as well as deal with the silence themselves. Please don't buy a house or listen to empty promises of change, if you bring it up with him. Patterns of behaviour like this are engrained usually though someone's upbringing, they don't have the tools to deal with feelings or conflict healthily and it needs serious willpower, effortz and therapy to unpick

The silent treatment is a huge red flag. The homophobic comments are also a red flag.

I also kissed a couple of female friends when I was around the same age. Am I gay? No. Have I been married for nearly 2 decades to the same man? Yes. Was I ever truly attracted to the friends that I kissed? No.

We all experiment with things as teenagers, be it booze, smoking, sex and sometimes kissing same sex friends! Sometimes it is an indication of a path you might travel as an adult and sometimes it is literally just testing the waters with “adult” things to see how they feel. Most adults would understand that, whereas your DP clearly is too immature to consider this as a possibility.

I'd leave him just for the sulking and silence tactics. It's so bloody childish.

The crux of this is nothing to do with who kissed who, or for that matter who has had sex with who. What happened before a relationship came about is nothing to do with a current partner.

Bloody hell. Do not buy a house with this man. He’s a walking red flag. A man who kicks off about a snog you had at a party 11 years ago before you met him is not a good man.

Yep, totally agree with this. Absolutely bizarre behaviour and it’s definitely his issue, not yours. I’d consider it a massive red flag. Tell him you were being honest, it’s absolutely not a big deal and ask him to explain why it makes him feel so uncomfortable. Unless he comes up with something really convincing (maybe his mum went off with another woman) that he wants to work on, I’d be rethinking your whole set up.

What?? By who?
My DH (bisexual and has "kissed" a lot more men than I have) told me he has encountered this with women before we met but I didn't actually believe him.* Your boundaries are your boundaries I guess, but really, you'd tell a woman to leave her husband because of one kiss at 17? Surely most (many) people have kissed a member of the same sex, drunkenly or something, at least once? I know I have and I've only ever dated men.

He asked because he was laughing at a memory of his parents thinking he would be gay because as a kid he would write poetry and always asked for pens and pads for his birthday so that he could write stories and poems.

That is some fucking tragic toxic masculinity right there, no wonder he is messed up about this stuff. His parents sound fecking awful. That's really sad. Doesn't excuse him being a wanker to you though.

That he thinks he has to "compete" is stupid. There's enough millions of men in the world, I doubt adding women makes much difference. If you wanted to be with someone else you would. He sounds insecure but I guess I'm not surprised given the "poetry is gay" tosspot parents.

*edited to say I did believe him but found it really surprising.

Kissing a same sex friend as a teenager is not the same as finding the same sex attractive ffs. But it is absolutely bi/homophobic to feel differently about your partner because of it. This isn’t someone you’ve been on one date with, we’re talking about someone you’ve been in a relationship for a few years - if your feelings for them would suddenly change upon finding this out when they’re still exactly the same person, there’s only one reason for that. And it’s not for you to decide “not many people” would be happy with it. Personally I don’t think most people would care - or at least, they shouldn’t.

It IS homophobic!

He gives her the silent treatment every time they argue though. So it’s not confined to this one argument. By your logic of judging someone for something when they were 17, I hope it does make him want to dump her because he’s an abusive twat.

SalfordQuays · Yesterday 20:20
I have no opinion on men kissing men or woman kissing women, I don’t find it gross, I don’t find it anything, I don’t think about it. But I don’t want to kiss a woman because I wouldn’t find them sexually attractive. And I don’t like the thought of my partner finding men sexually attractive. I don’t think many people would be happy with it if they’re honest.

@SalfordQuays gay isn't catching you know? Why would you care? What "type" of man is attracted to other men? There isn't one. You do you, but I think it's prejudice.

And I think you're wrong that most people would care. I'd say this is generational but I'm 39 so not that young. I don't think any of my friends would care.

So a teenage girl kissing her friend on one occasion, just for fun/having a laugh would raise doubt that she was bisexual?

Girls do this in clubs when they are a bit drunk, for a laugh, to attract male attention, or just having an affectionate moment with a friend. It's nothing to be ashamed of or kept secret. It certainly doesn't automatically mean that they are gay or bisexual.

He's batshit. What would he do with a partner who'd had several partners beforehand, not always opposite sex? He's weird. The past is past, put it behind you. What you did in relationships/friendships before you set up with him, or he did before he set up with you, is totally irrelevant to you now - you are who you are and it is partly what you did in the past that makes you who you are. I think, though, he wants to dump the relationship. So dump him, he's a mardy sulk.

I don't agree. If someone I was dating told me they had paid for sex before we met, then the relationship would be over.
Relationship are choice and any reason is fine to end or not start it.

But it is his behaviour here after the argument that is unacceptable. This will only get worse, he tested you in the beginning and you put up with it. This will only get worse.

Can people stop focussing on whether they’d be ok with their partner kissing someone of the same sex when they were 17, and focus on the absolute CREEP that is abusing OP with the silent treatment? He could have said to her “that makes me a bit insecure, could we talk about it” but no, he’s chosen to punish her for it instead.

I'm nearly double your age and I wouldn't care about it either.

(Updated for poor arithmetic!)

please get out of this relationship OP before you’re tied to each other by kids and a house. He will be an absolute nightmare if he’s already acting like this. Dont let him worm his way back in by being on best behaviour either. He needs therapy most likely but it’s not your responsibility. Sorry 😔

It is not for anyone to determine what an individual should feel when it comes to wanting to have sex with people.
No one is owed sex or a relationship, the desire to force people to go against their instincts due to the threat of 'phobia' is extremely damaging.

Id dump him. He sounds homophobic and very insecure.

I definitely agree. It's just a step away from being called transphobic because you don't want a relationship with a man who doesn't have a penis and was born a woman.

He engineered an argument so that he could punish you.

Have things been going well for you recently?