I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

Men (and women) conceal their homosexuality because of homophobia. If you’re worried about having a partner who’s secretly gay, you could most effectively combat that by getting involved in allyship/activism that aims to create a society where people don’t feel the need to be closeted, not by fretting about one same-sex kiss as a teenager.

Blimey. I am shocked at some of the replies here. I thought the younger generations were more open minded. It is not unusual for young people to experiment a bit. A kiss is nothing.

OP, it is not a normal reaction and is a huge red flag.

I really think this reaction should provoke a rethink about whether this the right person to get even more involved with. Imagine trying to resolve any disagreements with him if this is what you get. Hopeless!!!

You have two issues here.

Firstly, there are a lot of people who wouldn’t be thrilled to find out their partner had had a same sex experience and who would in fact end a relationship because of it.

Personally I don’t care what sexuality anyone is, but in terms of my own relationships, I am a heterosexual woman who is attracted to heterosexual men, so finding out my partner had had a same sex experience would be a dealbreaker for me in relationship terms. But on MN being heterosexual is considered a taboo and if you’re not prepared to sleep with a bisexual person then you’re apparently phobic.

I forget the exact number, but I have read studies by reliable sources that a massive percentage of children growing up considered homosexuality. but that contradicts everything which says that sexuality isn’t a lifestyle choice, that people are born to it. If you’re saying that people are considering homosexuality, then that just leads into the argument by many homophobes that gay people have chosen to be that way and as such are ripe for judgement and discrimination.

Re the silent treatment, I wouldn’t stand for that. So regardless of what it was over I would get rid of him for that alone.

Very well said.

@PlutoCat I find it saddening as well.

@Never2many When us humans reach puberty and even before, when those hormones are all over ths shop. Yes a massive amount of children have been curious about the same sex as well as the opposite. They have perhaps compared, touched etc. This society that says that is dirty and wrong does more harm by instilling mental issues that really needn't be there.

I will readily say that we are all, even if it is just by a tiny fraction, bisexual.

Out of interest OP do you have a important event coming up ?

I came for advice on here about 9/8 years ago about my 'boyfriend'
Your post reminds me of mine.
I came on here to ask for advice everyone told me to get rid of him he was abusive.
I didn't listen carried on dating him it was the worst years of my life and I'm still living with the after affects, I have PTSD panic attacks and depression and I have not been with a man since.
Please get out while you can.
They all have the same textbook.

It's absolutely fine if he doesn't want to be with someone who is bisexual, or for any other reason related to a person's sexuality or personality, of course, and anyone who disagrees with that gives off a definitely rapey vibe.

But you clearly have stated you are not bisexual and are not interested in being bisexual, so it is a bit weird that he is reacting so heavily to one kiss decades ago.

I am struck by him asking if your parents ever thought you'd be a lesbian, what a strange question. It sounds like there is more to this, and he has some other stuff going on.

That's not any excuse to lie to a partner though, that is rape by deception. Yes, it definitely is. If a person knows they are homosexual and lies about that to trick another person into a relationship, they are now (definitely) engaging in rape by deception.

"Rape by deception involves obtaining sexual consent through false pretenses, where the victim would not have consented had they known the truth. This can include lying about identity, medical conditions, or other relevant information that significantly impacts the victim's decision to engage in sexual activity."

My sympathy for lesbians and homosexuals who feel they have to hide their sexual orientation does not extend to trying to justify rape by deception.

I thought everyone had kissed their mates when drunk? 😂

He's looking for an excuse to leave you, let him use this one and get your savings out.

Also want to add I don't think it has anything to do with it being a woman.
He wanted to cause this and you kissing a woman was the perfect excuse.
Remember OP abusers only look for ammunition to use against you, even he does 'forgive' you, it'll be stored somewhere and the next time he needs a excuse to give you the silent treatment he'll use it !
It's never ending, you'll be in fight or flight mode constantly in this relationship.
I feel for you I really do.

He doesn't sound like a good partner to you anyway and this is a massive overreaction to a kiss when you were 17. His jealousy is clearly a huge issue.

Run and don’t look back. Even ignoring his extreme response to a single teenage kiss, the days of silent treatment and his talking about how hard it is for him to ‘compete’ with other men for you strongly suggests a paranoid and controlling personality. It will only ramp up over time - especially if you live together or, worse, get pregnant. He will make your life a misery, OP.

if information like this makes him behave like this, imagine what how he would react to something actually serious. Too much drama.

@Thegrants He treated you badly. Getting angry at you, giving you the silent treatment and the revelation that he is worried about having to compete against other men for you are all massive red flags. 🚩 🚩🚩

This! OP, set aside the specific topic and look at the behaviour. This is not someone emotionally and communicatively mature enough to start a shared life with.

Oh dear, definitely not. I've never had the faintest desire to kiss a woman, and had a couple of friends give it a go with me when I was much younger, which I firmly quashed. It didn't bother me at all that they wanted to try, but I had absolutely zero interest in the experiment.

It is extremely unlikely (to put it mildly) that failing to disclose a gay history would count as rape by deception, which has a very narrow set of definitions closely connected to the act of sex itself. Failing to mention a long-ago, one-off teenage same-sex kiss would absolutely not meet the criteria www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-6-consent

I wasn't in any way implying that the OP is practicing rape by deception.

I stated very clearly and quite correctly that if you hide the fact that you are a homosexual or lesbian to dupe a person into a relationship you are practicing rape by deception.

And that is a fact.

It’s not totally fine if he’s uncomfortable about it though. It says that he thinks at some level that he owns you and always has, so your past behaviour (at 17!!!) even in something so innocuous as a kiss, is something he’s entitled to be angry about. He’s not entitled to anything here, and you should be furiously judging him as well as being clear that you did nothing in the slightest bit wrong.

either way, you should end it with him.

Also, the BF has decided to label you as bi/lesbian after one encounter many, many years ago. Who is he to label who you are attracted to? That in itself would give me the ick/be a huge turnoff and ultimately ending the relationship.

Leave him

No, it isn’t ’a fact’. Rape by deception is a narrowly defined offence and failing to tell a partner that you have a gay history doesn’t meet the criteria.

jealousy over a teenage kiss ? that’s not normal. This entire reaction is bizarre and over the top. Think carefully. He is extremely childish.

hes 34 ffs and he’s giving you silent treatment for 2 days ?

Only if you’re insecure and frankly biphobic or homophobic. I’d have questions, but I wouldn’t leave my husband nor would I tell someone else to. Is no one allowed to experiment? Or make a mistake in our youth?!

What a prick