I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

Take this as the point in your life where you look back relieved or regretful at the decision you made.

I know we're a bunch of internet strangers with a tendency to chant "leave the bastard" but this really does feel like a time when that's some pretty solid advice.

Consider this all very carefully, as soon as you're living together, owning houses this all becomes so much harder to unpick.

Do not buy a house with this man.

Silent treatment is horrible and abusive. Not something you want kids around either.
Run while you still can please don't waste time on a man that is jealous of a snog years ago at a party before you met.

I read your title and thought, you cheated 11 years ago and just found out now 😅 he'd atleast have a reason to be upset then.

Repeat do not buy a house with this emotionally immature jealous individual

I know, that was my immediate thought. I was angry and we had an argument. I was meant to be staying at his again tonight but after our argument I have gone back home. But I have an urge to just go back and sort it out but I won’t because that’s what I always do. He did the same thing once two years ago, we had only been together 3 months and he stopped speaking to me and I was at uni and so anxious that I got the train home and turned up at his door to sort it out because he was ignoring me. And now I know I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore but I am really upset and hurt by it

Yes this does feel like a moment when you can make a life-changing decision. You’re really lucky ‘just’ to be in a relationship with this twat and with no financial ties or DC.

Seriously, if he ‘can’t look at you’ because you had one kiss at a party with someone many years ago, he won’t ever be happy with you living your normal life. Please please dump him.

Your ages scare me, tbh.

You're at the prime age to start worrying about clocks ticking, friends settling down and being left behind.

BUT... BUT...
Take the advice if women 20 years older. Honestly, you're so young! You have time. Read up on the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Don't make babies with a sulker who wants to punish you. That's not the way to have a joyful, fulfilled, interesting life.

Big red flags here I'm afraid.

Its radical insecurity and immaturity.

Wouldnt be too fast to launch into the "phobias" as (stupid and insecure) men tend to assess other men's "threat level" on a fairly constant basis - they cant do that with women because no man can ever offer the same things a woman can, so they get all uppity because they view themselves as unable to compete.. so view sexual contact with other women like the final boss level of threats to manhood.

Id suggest that he grows up, the wee prat.

Of course you're upset. But this is a pattern. He sulks, you fix. Break the pattern. You deserve that.

His behaviour is very concerning. He wants to control you by making you anxious, doubtful, desperate for him to stop sulking and come back to you. These are highly manipulative and coercive behaviours.

You move in with that, you have a child with that, it will be the biggest mistake of your life OP.

If he thinks you're going to end it, it's possible he will love bomb you back in. I think you've seen enough to know there's a problem with this one. We have examples of behaviour typical in people with very low empathy and somewhere further along the scale in narcissism than I believe you are. I will guess you're quite giving and appease him regularly.

You are not over reacting. You are not over sensitive. He is not a safe guy, emotionally at least, for you to be with.

The sigh of relief I gave on reading this was HUGE!

"He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” "
'Worry about', 'compete with' - this is not a healthy attitude, and it's likely to escalate. Jealousy is indeed the green-eyed monster - emphasis on the monster.

"And yes actually, if we ever have an argument he will just stop speaking to me for days unless I am the one to take charge"
This man is not an adult. He is a jealous controlling arse. Run.

(Edited for spelling, yes I am a pedant.)

This really is your sliding door moment.

He is someone who would absolutely terrorise you and any children.

He really is a walking red flag who needs to punish and hurt you.

I would be terrified if you were my daughter.

Don't go near him.
Absolutely expect him to come back with some shit that he was upset but will now forgive you, when he realises that you are on to him.

Two books to buy.

Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft

Women who love too much. Robin Norwood

Well worth investing in.

He's trying to make you 'the bad guy'. Either as a means of control or as his get out from the relationship because he's found someone else.

Tell him to pull himself together or leave forthwith. Him, not you.

Well. I couldn't stay with a tool like this. What a thick, insecure loser.

And a hell of a lot of straight women on MN!

Just find any thread that mentions a womans male partner having been with a male in the past or looking at gay porn!

They all say 'leave him, he is in the closet/ he will leave you for a man/ he's using you as a beard' etc

It will only get a lot worse, OP. I wouldn't be carrying this relationship on if I was you.

This

Well I wouldn’t be standing for his childish behaviour. He would gave a choice grow up accept it happened but meant nothing snd get on with life

or leave

do you really want to be with someone who is acting like this?

To add to the books list. “Attached” to work out your attachment style.

I think you are anxious.

Dont bother trying to work out his as his is just f*cking idiot. What a Man child.

Use this as both your warning and your catalyst to cease things with this man.

Yes, I agree! Good points

The only right reply is, 'oh well I guess that's that then, suppose you better pack a bag and leave if you can't look at me. It's shit but it is what it is - can't change it'.

Do not move forward with this guy. He's going to ruin your life.

I think you might look back on this and be grateful it happened. This is a huge red flag (along with the silent treatment) and the fact you're not living together, not married and don't have kids is a blessing and allows you to cut your losses and find a partner who has enough emotional bandwidth to communicate effectively (instead of stonewalling) and who doesn't feel threatened by events that happened before you even knew them.

You're 28. Go find the person you deserve because he ain't it!!

OP, my ex would be the person who said stuff like this. We have to co parent a child now.

It destroys your soul having to try and communicate as a person who is not like this, with someone who is off the scale with narcissistic like behaviour.

Please get rid of this one.

He will use this as an excuse to "not trust you" to go on nights out and weekends away with your friends. Perfect excuse to assess more control...

If I told my DP that I’d done something like this at 17 they’d either roll their eyes or laugh, possibly both. He’s massively overreacted to something that has absolutely nothing to do with him. Cut your losses and find yourself a grown up, non abusive partner. You’re still so young, don’t waste time on a walking red flag.

So what he's actually saying is that he'll sulk and disappear and harangue you into not leaving the house or having any friendships whatsoever for the rest of your life because he 'can't' (ie, won't) trust you with anyone - and that you're inherently untrustworthy in any case.

That's not just a reason to run, that's a reason to take those savings, get a Ring doorbell if you haven't already, change your phone number and make it clear that he is never to darken your door ever again.

And if it means he accuses you of already cheating or planning to cheat, sod it. Let him.