I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

You haven't been together that long really, so I would be getting a Claires law request on him before you move in together.
He could be revealing his true colours.

He needs to grow up!

Oh this old chestnut. This always comes up on (homophobic) threads like this and it’s a complete straw man because NOBODY is saying you should override your feelings and date/sleep with someone you don’t want to. Literally not one person thinks that. What we are saying is that it’s worth interrogating WHY you feel that way about a man or woman who’s kissed someone of the same sex, because it is born of prejudice. Self-awareness and critical thinking doesn’t mean you have to change your actions, especially when it comes to sex - as you said, nobody is owed sex or a relationship, and that I think everyone would agree with.

lets think about this logically though - if you’re dating someone and you have romantic feelings for them, then you find out they once kissed someone of the same sex as a teen and suddenly you get “the ick” or start making all kinds of assumptions about them that you attach negativity to, that’s prejudice. Kissing another man/woman is an entirely neutral act so the implied negativity is coming from somewhere else. Homophobia isn’t just actively disliking gay people - it manifests in many subtle and unconscious ways because of messages we absorb from many places and don’t even realise. As far as I’m concerned we should all be checking in with ourselves regularly if we find ourselves attaching negative connotations to certain demographics of people to ensure we’re aware of our biases.

tbh I shouldn’t have said it.

And there it is.

The start of how these controlling people work. Next time he asks anything you will have been told (without words) what he wants you to say.

Don't let there be a next time, please, end the relationship.

I would’ve laughed in his face and called him a pathetic little man, but then again I am bisexual.

Dump that guy, you deserve better!!

THIS. His jealousy is at an insane level.
RUN for your life.

You are young, you have time to meet someone who can love you properly and make you feel like your best self.

I would´ve laughed in his face and told him to get over it, but then I am 50 going on for 51 in 9 days and have little tolerance for fools.

This is great news. You know you need to end it, don't you?

His behaviour is really disturbing, particularly him saying that it's
“hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” His possessiveness, his insecurity, his lack of understanding about female sexuality, his cold-shouldering and sulking — it's a whole parade of red flags.

But great news that you can dump him without legal or financial consequences and find someone better and more secure and adult. Good luck: onwards and upwards.

He's been absolutely pathetic and I suspect he's just using it as a way to get you running around after him pandering to his will. I would say to him I'm sick of this ignoring me every time you hear something you don't like so we either discuss - this and move past it r9 th this time you can just continue to not speak to me at all and we're finished.

It's not really an experiment, just a surfeit of alcohol and hilarity.

Like others have said- this is about far more than kissing your friend at a party as a teenager. He's being controlling and abusive over a non issue that's non of his business, and it doesn't matter what the reasons are behind his behaviour (eg insecurity) it will impact you the same whether there is a reason for it or not. If it happens once, it will happen again over something else. Please please listen to your gut feeling, if it doesn't feel right, it's totally ok to listen, to do what's right for you. There is a wonderful life out there where you are loved, respected and appreciated- choose that life... good luck... x

Those red flags really are waving at you!

He is completely insecure and possessive. Don't go down this path.

He’s no good. You can do better. Honestly, his reactions is abuse and control and things will get worse. He’s trying to condition you and silent treatment is designed to destroy you and make you be the one that apologises and kowtows. It’s designed to break you.

Honestly, don’t try to make this work.

I agree that this is your warning. It has come just in the nick of time seeing as you don’t live with him or have kids with him. Life gets much tougher - and he is not a life partner to navigate that with if he goes silent for days. There is something wrong with a person who chooses and is able to do that. It’s abusive. And over absolutely nothing as well. You, as a teen, kissed another teen. A pretty basic every day occurrence.

When you get married, you need someone who will be your life partner and work as a team with you through thick and thin. Not have tantrums over nothing and then not speak for days.

Get rid. Or you will be the victim of this shit on an ongoing basis.

I had sex with a male friend when I was 17. Actually we dated. He's my best mate. We go out alone. We go out with the kids. We go out with are partners. My H has NEVER raised an issue about it. We trust each other. So what if you kissed a girl and so what if you liked it.it wasn't during your relationship. He can feel how he feels nut his insecurity isn't your problem. I'd dump him and move on. You don't want a life with someone who doesn't trust you.

But we are not talking about someone paying for sex anymore than we are talking about someone robbing a bank.

You don't need to hide your past just because your boyfriend is a jealous twat. It's a non event he's being ridiculous.
You say he's got a tendency to sulk and give you the silent treatment, that's not a loving relationship.
Everyone has a past. I kissed my friend when we were about 21. I also had a threesome with a guy and another woman but it was years ago. My DH knows but he doesn't care.
I think you need to find a new partner one who doesn't judge you for what you did years ago and is able to talk about things rather than sulk and give you the silent treatment.

Please run now becuase believe me... this is the tip of a very large iceberg. I can see you're already taking on the blame, "Oh, I shouldn't have said it". BOLLOCKS to that. He asked, it came up, it's not some big shameful secret.

And this behaviur will just get wores and worse. Unfortunately, by giving in so spectacularly the first time, he learnt that you could be manipulated. The chances are that if you hadn't, he'd have discarded you then.

I bet he doesn't like you having male friends or colleagues, going out drinking with girlfriends or not answering his calls promptly either?

Some things in people’s past are relevant, you don’t get to decide they’re not for everyone else.

The biggest issue here is that OPs bf is abusive with the silent treatment and how he has behaved. But if he doesn’t want to be with her because of this, that’s a choice he gets to make. He doesn’t get to abuse her for it though. Thats unacceptable.

There are loads of things that someone could have done in the past that means I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with them. Everyone is allowed to not be in a relationship for any reason they want and that can include something that a potential partner or partner has done in the past. I wouldn’t date a man that I knew was bisexual, that’s my choice to make.

You can choose to end a relationship for any reason or no reason, including finding out your partner has kissed someone of the same sex years ago. The only issue, and it’s a big one, is how OPs bf has behaved. Silent treatment is abuse. On that basis, she would do well to get rid of him,

I really advise you to leave the relationship now. I wish to god that I had walked the first time my ex gave me the silent treatment. It was nearly twenty five year’s ago and I can still look back on it and kick myself I didn’t halt the relationship there and then, the first time he did it. The silent treatment as a weapon hides a myriad of other toxic behaviours that reveal themselves over time. The only thing that keeps me sane about it is our two, now adult, children, who I can’t regret. The relationship has left me with bouts of anxiety and almost nightly insomnia even though we split year’s ago. Those type of people cause such damage to people like me and, potentially, you (caring, empathetic, sincere etc). For your future sanity, dump him.

No it’s not! I wouldn’t date a man who had dated men (or wants to), I wouldn’t date a man who wants to be a woman either, or one who wants to be called they, or one who’s too fond of the booze or one who’s too obsessed with football. Everyone is entitled to their personal taste, but it’s how you behave about it that shows what your true character is like.

"I shouldn't have said it tbh"

The words of women everywhere that are vulnerable to abuse and with an abuser.

You are very vulnerable to abuse to have written that.

You are turning his abuse of you inwards.

So dangerous.

This is how women who are slapped and beaten think....."I shouldn't have set him off".

Turning a beating by a man into their fault.
So sad.
Text book victim behaviour.

What a weirdo. He’s also biphobic - even if you were bisexual he’s not competing with anyone because you’re monogamous with him. Except he seems to think that the only thing stopping you from waltzing off and shagging everyone that moves is him. Except he also gives you the silent treatment whenever he’s angry.

Chuck him back. He’s not a safe person for you. You’ll never be able to be vulnerable with him. What if he switches up like this after you have a baby? Freezes you out because you wouldn’t have sex soon enough or bc you give all your attention to baby or because you have less money?

Not a good partner.

It’s not homophonic/biphobic to not want to date someone who is bisexual. I wouldn’t want to because it’s a personal preference. You don’t have to conform to equality laws when choosing who to date. It’s actually really entitled to think everyone must be open to dating everyone without preferences or else you’ll call them phobic.