I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

Sounds like he baited you to get info on your past. Collecting evidence to use against you down the line if he isn't planning on splitting with you. If you can save up and buy your own place before getting involved with anybody. Security is better than relying on another person.

Exactly. Carry on with life as normal. Don't enter into the 'please forgive me' dance. Let him sort himself out.

Please don’t waste your time and life with this man child. He’s obviously ridiculously immature and has a very fragile ego. You’re young and shouldn’t be putting up with the silent treatment every time you have a disagreement. He’s displaying controlling behaviour which I guarantee will only get worse once you live together. You are worth so much more than this mediocre man.

My mother made the choice to marry a man like this. Our whole family life revolved around my father and the mood he was in that day. My mother’s mental health broke eventually and she was sectioned for months. She even apologised once for not being able to be there for me when I was a baby like I was being for my babies as my Dad needed her (I don’t think she was apologising to me so much as sorry that she thought she might have missed out on something). When she was in hospital, I remember asking him for help for something minor and him deciding not to speak to me for days and days. He’d call me useless every time he was stressed repeatedly. We all played the love me, value me, be pleased with me dance. My mother called me a failure because I had the intelligence to pick a career that would make them proud but didn’t.

He was a wonderful, caring, thoughtful, deeply damaged (abusive childhood himself) man who tried very hard to not pass the damage on (he never hit us having been regularly and savagely beaten himself by his father) but he was like a 2 year old when upset and 2 year olds do not make great parents, especially when they’re the more stable of your two parents. Having your safe place to land be inconsistent and sometimes abusive messes you for life.

Goodbye to him then. Thank god you haven’t bought a house! Lucky escape!

His attitude to arguments is a huge red flag. Do not settle with this guy! Using silence as punishment and being unable to communicate are awful traits.

The silent treatment is so damaging, especially to kids. I lived with a dad who could ignore us for days if we did the slightest thing wrong and the effect on my mum, me and my sibling still persists to this day. It's emotional abuse.

You’re 28?

you dont live together?

ltb

This isn't even about the kiss - if it wasn't that, it would be something else. This is what these men do - find a reason to have a huff and give you the silent treatment. Any reason. Doesn't have to make sense, and usually doesn't.

It's about control and keeping you subservient to their wishes. It's about making you catch trains and beg.

End this now, because it only ever gets worse. In future, the first time someone gives you the silent treatment, tell them to pull themselves out of it or the relationship is over. And mean it.

It was something else last week/month. It was a kiss at a party yesterday. What will it be next week/month.

He may have a hang up about a gay kiss or events in your past that trigger negativity/jealousy/disapproval or it's just a power thing?

Either way these events, and particularly this, are red lights. I think you need to have a review of your life and future with him.

Talk to him, your family and friends.

If he doesn’t want to be with you over this, that’s his choice. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is besexual, not that I think one kiss as a teen with someone of the same sex makes you bisexual.

In your position I’d be dumping him anyway for the abusive way he has behaved so the rest really wouldn’t matter.

Leave now - get out. You’ll be getting punished by this fool every single year of your life with him. He is using this to control you going forward - he will start to isolate you from your girl mates by saying you fancy them. It’s an old trick but it’s effective, and grinds you down over time.

And when sober too 😃. At school we used to do “kissing practice” with certain girl friends. Allegedly to make us better kissers for the boys!

True!

… and a lot of us have shagged a friend at some point too 🥹.

I couldn't be bothered with someone so insecure. If he loves and trusts you he doesn't need to compete with anyone.

The fact it was a one off 11 years ago makes his logic even more ridiculous.

Do not buy, I bought with my now ex... bought a flat to move knto but having to live here till me and my dog can escape. It's hell, I knew deep down I should have never lived with anyone.

Once moved in it'll definitely get worse.

Please heed warnings of wiser women who have been there, done that and worn the tshirt!

Silent treatment for days and you don't even. Live together yet.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse you know?

Massive red flag on so many levels.

He's an idiot - none of his "reasoning" makes a jot of sense. He's possessive and territorial, and is unable to see life as anything other than a competition. If you're in a relationship, you're not "competing" with anyone else. And he's homophobic - we usually see the reverse of this, where homophobic women are repulsed by the idea of their partner kissing a man, but the underlying thought process is the same: same-sex attraction is gross, ew. That's not something you want in a partner.

Do not move in with this idiot. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life for grovelling everytime he takes offence at some new made up violation.

@Never2many You said: "But on MN being heterosexual is considered a taboo and if you’re not prepared to sleep with a bisexual person then you’re apparently phobic."
This is just such a load of poisonous, shit-stirring rubbish!

Being confused with the behaviour of someone is a sure sign of not being treated well and is the word women use before the penny drops about abuse.

You are confused because someone you thought cared about you is actually abusive towards you.

You don't want to be with that twat for sure. All the drama and sulking for a question he wanted answered.
Do yourself a favour and leave him.

Hey!! Unfair!!!

what have slugs ever done to you?

id say more house brick, but even then it feels like an insult.. to house bricks.

@Thegrants

stop wasting your life in thus dick splash!

no matter how long you've been together your life ahead of you is much longer, don't waste it because you've been together x years!!

you kissed a girl when you were 17, so what? It's such a non event. Imagine how the twat would be in a serious situation?

get out & look forward to meeting a real man. Not a bellend.

Oh god, don’t do this!! Leave, he is insecure, immature and controlling (with his silence). If you buy a house with him you’ll be back on here saying you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.

Except it isn’t.

Go on to any thread on MN where a poster finds out that her partner/date/man she wants to start seeing is bisexual. And there have been numerous of them over the years, and there will always be posters who go on to it and say that they wouldn’t want to be with someone who was bisexual. And those posters are always shot down and accused of being biphobic amongst other things. Without fail.

So if you think that this isn’t the prevailing response on MN then you’re wrong.

I’m definitely in the wrong as I kissed a couple of girls (no feelings just for attention as drunk, young and stupid) in my wilder years, but if my husband had kissed a mate I wouldn’t like it so there’s def a double standard on my part. I guess because I understand the context of my experiences.

It's a deeply immature way to respond to any difference of opinion.

Believe me, when you move in with someone and if you have children with them (or even try) there will be plenty of things to disagree with each other about, or ways to disappoint each other or miss each other off. If you can't deal with it like adults it's a LOOOOONG road.