I kissed my friend 11 years ago and DP has reacted badly to it

[Thegrants]

To get straight to the point… DP and I were having a conversation last night and he asked me if my parents ever thought I would be a lesbian. I said no but some of my friends did because when I was 17 I kissed one of my other friends in the group at a party.

He completely changed. He went silent, went downstairs, and when he came back up he turned the light off without saying a word, got into bed and turned his back to me. I tried asking what was wrong but he wouldn’t speak to me. I left for work today and he has ignored me all day. I got home at 4 and he was working from home and we spoke about it. He is saying he doesn’t want to be with someone who is bisexual because it’s “hard enough having to worry about and compete with other men, never mind women as well” I told him I am not bisexual! I am straight, I was 17 and at a party and that’s literally it…?!? I don’t understand what the problem is. He asked me the question and I answered. He is really angry asking me if I enjoyed it and he can’t look at me the same. I said I haven’t done anything wrong, I won’t be punished for something that I did before we met that I can’t possibly change. I asked him what exactly he wants me to do about it and he said he doesn’t know but he can’t look at me. He said that because I answered his question with a smile on my face that means I enjoyed it and think fondly of the memory.

this is an over exaggeration right?! He is being insane?

He has a very low level of comprehension, if any at all. Surely you’ve had inklings before that he doesn’t understand how you operate/ who you are?

You seem to be very biased against straight people who are only attracted to straight people.

He’s a twat

The vast majority of people are only attracted to the opposite sex. What is being misconstrued is a completely innocuous act carried out as a teenager and branded as making the OP bisexual.

You will thank your lucky stars one day that you found out he's an abusive, controlling little prick before you moved in with him or worse.

He’s not a keeper. If someone shows you who they are, believe them x

I'm bisexual and sadly when disclosing my sexuality to potential male partners in the past the reactions are usually a toss-up between this (offensive stereotypes about bisexuals being less faithful, needing to compete with women AND men now, which.. if I'm in a relationship with you there is no competition because I'm a faithful partner and sexual orientation doesn't effect that) or immediate fetishization with intrusive questions about my experience with other women and requests for threesomes.

I know you're straight so his reaction will sting less and feel less personal, but it's still a pretty clear indication of how close-minded he is and the sorts of views he holds about people different to him. I wouldn't want that for a partner, even if I were straight.

The thing is though straight people can be attracted to bi people or even gay people, because people don't wear signs disclosing their sexuality, you won't always know. "Attracted to" and "want to be in a relationship with" are two different things though. If someone can't get over finding out someone they are dating is bi, then obviously it's best for them not to be in that relationship.

In OP's case she kissed a friend once as a teenager, that does not a bisexual make.

Think I can hear the world’s smallest violin playing in the background. Hope you’re ok @DiamondThrone! we do realise you’ve been through a lot!

Good try at being cutting! Bless.

I dated a man once who told me he’d gone to a gay club year’s earlier with friends and had a slow dance with a guy. I didn’t say anything but it made me wonder if he might have leanings (although he seemed pretty straight to me so maybe bi). Anyway we broke up soon after over something unrelated but had he said he was gay/bi I would have ended the relationship (it was a fairly new one). We could have been friends as I’m not bothered about someone being gay but not on a romantic/sexual level. I don’t need to examine the whys or whereforths, a gay or bi man is simply not my cup of tea to date, the same way a man is not a lesbian’s cup of tea to date. I’m not homophobic, my kids were told that if they were gay it was never going to be an issue and they could be gay (or bi) freely (they’re not gay as it happens) but they knew home and family were a safe place for them if they were.

He sounds gay to me.

@ThatNimblePeer I’m not that fussed to be honest. It’s not my partner who kissed someone who’s the same sex!

@Soal You might not care but I would. I wouldn’t be a dick about it like OP’s boyfriend, but I’d definitely have some thinking to do.

I find it odd only to be into straight men, why wouldn’t someone be into any men and obviously limit sexual relationships to men who are into women? Surely it’s just what are you into? Men. Not what are you into - men, but only those who never ever find other men attractive. That just doesn’t seem a ‘type’ like masculine short muscular nerdy hairy sporty bookish are all types people like.

No that’s not how it works.

You can be into men but not those that are violent
You can be into men but not those that support Trump
You can be into men but not those who are lazy or unambitious
You can be into men but not those who are obsessed with football or golf
You can be into men but not those who also like sleeping with other men

You see how that works? Not odd at all.

Hopefully that thinking would be about internalised homophobia and toxic, antiquated gender standards which deem any man who's had any sexual contact with another man to be defiled and un-masculine!

It sort of is though? In that you have no idea whether any given man has had a sexual experience with, or sexual thoughts about, another man unless they tell you. So it's irrelevant to whether you're attracted to them.

If you fall in love with someone over many years and can fall out of love with them over the idea that they once kissed a man, I'd suggest that's because your feelings weren't that deep to start with (or, your feelings of homophobia ran deeper than your love).

Well I’d also have no idea if they’d robbed a bank or mugged a granny unless it came to light, would I?

I said I wouldn’t date a man who wants to (past, present or future) date/sleep with another man. I didn’t say I’d break a happy long marriage up because he kissed another guy thirty five year’s ago or whatever. I am allowed though to not want to date bi men in the same way I don’t want to date a smoker or someone with face tattoos. There’s not some bi man crying in the corner because Bunny doesn’t want to date them (I don’t want to date anyone to be honest). Now I’d be more than happy to share my home and life with a gay or bi man as a non-romantic companion as I’m off romantic/sexual relationships for good now anyway.

Haven’t read the entire thread but sympathising with you, OP — my stbxh is super homophobic and reacted similarly to me being bisexual.

the ironic thing with your partner is that he’s worried about having to compete with imaginary men and women, but the biggest threat to the relationship is him being (as a previous poster so neatly termed it) a massive fucking walloper.

you deserve better than this man-baby. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt, but you’ve done nothing wrong x

He sounds absolutely crazy. He just wanted to pick a fight. The only responsive somebody is sulking like that is just get out of their way and if possible leave them. They never change, people like that. I hope your savings weren't in a joint account.

It sounds very much like he is the one being unreasonable and I would not be surprised if he's banking this to excuse something he's done in the past or plans on doing in some infantile act of vengeance. He sounds a very immature and pathetically insecure little man.

This sort of behaviour will not change and you need to decide wether or not you want this to be a part of your future life because you'll get to the point of being afraid to say anything incase he goes off in a sulking mood.